Yohannes,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and thanks for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to throw your hands in the air, say “what is going on”, and try to find a path of happiness, freedom. And then to reach out to us, looking for a hand… what a great start! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When the emotional weight of “our cost to others” becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. You see yourself as baggage, a burden, but that’s just not how it is. We believe in you, see your troubles, your attempts at finding your groove, and make a conscious investment. For you, and for all that will be helped by your precious light, once you do find your groove. And remember, slow maturing wines are often the most delightful. 🙂

Now, about that feeling of heaviness,of hopeless “no way out”. That’s actually your strength, all twisted inward, grabbing at all the stuff you do that you’d like to do better. The good news is it heals, as you find a bit more balance, what is weight now becomes muscle.

The path of joy is unique for each of us, custom, a dance between our situation and our heart, so any specific “go here, go there” doesn’t help as much. Consider though, try to make each moment, when you can, a helpful moment. Is there a mess? Clean it up. Someone stuck? Give them a hand. See a need, fill a need. Small things, maybe doing some laundry, some dishes. Don’t worry if you “don’t have the energy”, or feel like it means nothing. That’s false. The small things are everything, and the energy grows along the way.

As you take small steps, gentle steps, consider a simple mantra of humility. “As I do this, may I honor the investment from others, for my benefit and theirs.” Its OK to be doing it selfishly, really only because you want to feel better. It usually starts like that, no biggie. My teacher explained that selflessness grows as the self becomes content. We start doing good deeds because we want to feel better, and once we feel better, we do good deeds without any specific need, we do them “just because”. 🙂

Next, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Even though it appears that the shadow is held together “out there” somewhere, such as finances, education, independence, career, and so forth, its actually all held together in our brain, through painful mental cycles. As we practice metta, these cycles break apart, our kind intentions create a spacious and smooth mind. Thoughts go deep into the subconscious mind and we begin to feel happy feelings. Consider “bhante gunarantana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Its OK to need a raft, just keep rowing, it gets better. 🙂

Finally, you seem more hopeless than suicidal, but if there is a lot of thought of ending your life, please get some professional advice. Many countries have hotlines and support groups, and they would love to help. Its normal to need a lot of help to stand up, find our balance. Check with a doctor, perhaps, find out if your chemistry is in balance. Check with a nutritionist, or a health nut, see if maybe you’re missing some vitamins. Reach out, explore, ask for help when you need it. Its OK, not a burden, we all need help from time to time.

With warmth,
Matt