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  • #64921
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The though has crossed my mind from time to time. The peace of death and its freedom. Being alive doesn’t feel ideal for me anymore. Too much pain, far too much pain. I never would’ve thought my life would’ve taken this turn towards the morose, I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. Unemployed, uneducated, a burden to countless others. I am not saying that life isn’t beautiful, it’s worthwhile if you have something worth living for. I am slowly looking for the way out, a way to end the pain of this life. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.

    #64925
    lamb
    Participant

    Hello Yohannes. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. There is definitely a lot you can give and sometimes it’s hard to see this when we are upset. It’s worth talking to a counselor/ professional about. You’re in a difficult place now but it can only get better from here. Please stay strong and seek the help you deserve.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by lamb.
    #64937
    Matt
    Participant

    Yohannes,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and thanks for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to throw your hands in the air, say “what is going on”, and try to find a path of happiness, freedom. And then to reach out to us, looking for a hand… what a great start! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    When the emotional weight of “our cost to others” becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. You see yourself as baggage, a burden, but that’s just not how it is. We believe in you, see your troubles, your attempts at finding your groove, and make a conscious investment. For you, and for all that will be helped by your precious light, once you do find your groove. And remember, slow maturing wines are often the most delightful. 🙂

    Now, about that feeling of heaviness,of hopeless “no way out”. That’s actually your strength, all twisted inward, grabbing at all the stuff you do that you’d like to do better. The good news is it heals, as you find a bit more balance, what is weight now becomes muscle.

    The path of joy is unique for each of us, custom, a dance between our situation and our heart, so any specific “go here, go there” doesn’t help as much. Consider though, try to make each moment, when you can, a helpful moment. Is there a mess? Clean it up. Someone stuck? Give them a hand. See a need, fill a need. Small things, maybe doing some laundry, some dishes. Don’t worry if you “don’t have the energy”, or feel like it means nothing. That’s false. The small things are everything, and the energy grows along the way.

    As you take small steps, gentle steps, consider a simple mantra of humility. “As I do this, may I honor the investment from others, for my benefit and theirs.” Its OK to be doing it selfishly, really only because you want to feel better. It usually starts like that, no biggie. My teacher explained that selflessness grows as the self becomes content. We start doing good deeds because we want to feel better, and once we feel better, we do good deeds without any specific need, we do them “just because”. 🙂

    Next, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Even though it appears that the shadow is held together “out there” somewhere, such as finances, education, independence, career, and so forth, its actually all held together in our brain, through painful mental cycles. As we practice metta, these cycles break apart, our kind intentions create a spacious and smooth mind. Thoughts go deep into the subconscious mind and we begin to feel happy feelings. Consider “bhante gunarantana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Its OK to need a raft, just keep rowing, it gets better. 🙂

    Finally, you seem more hopeless than suicidal, but if there is a lot of thought of ending your life, please get some professional advice. Many countries have hotlines and support groups, and they would love to help. Its normal to need a lot of help to stand up, find our balance. Check with a doctor, perhaps, find out if your chemistry is in balance. Check with a nutritionist, or a health nut, see if maybe you’re missing some vitamins. Reach out, explore, ask for help when you need it. Its OK, not a burden, we all need help from time to time.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64991
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Yohannes, so sorry to hear you are feeling so down, and hopeless. Always try to remember that you are a unique person in your own right regardless of job title, qualifications etc. Feeling a burden to others happens a lot to people who are feeling depressed, I bet if you asked your friends and family to write down at least one good thing each about you they would be able to think of great qualities you have immediately! Perhaps you could do a little voluntary work, it is surprising how much it can help a person feel better by giving to others, and is a great way of meeting people and feeling valued. Share your thoughts and fears with someone you can trust, or speak to a counsellor or minister, whoever you think you feel comfortable approaching. It is the pain of your emotions that is making you feel like this, and I bet it is not at all a reflection of the true you. In the words of a song…….keep smiling, keep shining, :-). We are all out here rooting for you and ready to give some moral support if you need it, don’t give up, things will change when you least expect them to !!! Good wishes and smiles – Sarah Jane

    #64994
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you all for the kind words and loving thoughts, it means a lot. I’ve been struggling for a long time with these thoughts and to be honest it’s just getting worse day after day. I’ve always had high expectations for myself and up until this point, I haven’t accomplished much. Being 31 years old with no job, education or any real family is tough to deal with and every day it gets harder to get out of bed. My girlfriend has been great thoughout all this. She’s been supportive, loving, caring but I know she will only be able to handle so much before everything that I am going through starts to weigh on her. It’s no fair for me to put her through this because she has so much going on for her. She has a Phd, she just got her dream job teaching at a college and then there’s her boyfriend, just getting by everyday with nothing to offer in return. As a man, this hurts. It hurts not being able to give back what she has givin me. If she decides one day to move on with her life I cannot blame her because she has done all she can for me and again Ill be left with nothing. I’ve messed up a lot of things in my life, a lot of good things and I am done fucking up. Maybe I wasn’t born to live this life. I can’t tell you where Ill be tomorrow, next week, next year even but I can’t continue to feel like this anymore. Life it to be lived and I am almost done fighting. I just want people to know that I tried and this battle within myself is not in my favor. I just want the pain to stop. Not just for me, for everyone so they can move on and so I can finally find peace.

    ama

    #65008
    SIngh
    Participant

    Yohannes,

    Life is precious, don’t you dare give it away and give up. Just because you lost doesn’t make you a loser, just because you failed doesn’t make you a failure. You have so much to offer as a human being. I myself find the BIGGEST satisfaction in life in going to the east-side of my city and volunteering there for the homeless by serving food at a shelter for different organizations. There I meet people who are at the pits, who are going through tough times too but don’t give up. You have a family, you have a girlfriend, you have so much to live for given just that.

    Get up my friend, believe in yourself, tell yourself everyday, not matter hard it is, that you believe in yourself. Because when you hear it you start to believe it. And when you believe it, then there’s nothing that you can’t face in life.

    Listen to this, I listen to this everyday and it reminds me to never give up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3MxMfzWfbE

    Remember this one thing, and this isn’t some cheesy crap I’m telling you just to make you feel better, its the truth:

    The biggest challenges are made out for the strongest people.

    Don’t you dare quit on life, there are people out there in this world, some you’ve already met and many others who you haven’t that need you and will need you.

    You can be an inspiration, to yourself and to your community and loved ones, the ONLY way one could ever truly let down their family is if he/she gave up on life. But you’re not going to do that, because you’re going to realize that you have so much to offer and you’re going to get up and carry on living and becoming better and better. The fight that you got to fight is in your mind, its not in your cheque book, its not in you job, its not in your clothes, its in your mind. Conquer your mind.

    Much love,

    Singh

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by SIngh.
    #65019
    Aloma
    Participant

    Dearest Yohannes,

    My heart is breaking for you and the light that you don’t know you bring to this world.

    A little over a year ago- I lost my little brother to suicide. He took his own life because he thought that we (his family, his friends) would be better off without him. We aren’t. Our family was devastated and my world is shattered. When I think of this past year, most of it was a blur and I don’t know how I made it through. I’ve been going to counselling and met mothers, fathers, siblings, and children of people who took their own lives. They may still be breathing and living but their lives stopped and changed forever when they lost their loved ones.

    The reason that I tell you this isn’t to give you guilt but to share my story, and to share with you my hope for you and people who are hurt and in pain. I don’t have all the answers but I can share with you what I have learned about my brother and suicide over this past year.

    My brother was a very sensitive, kind, and considerate person. From what you’ve written, I know you are too. Sensitive people care to a point where they can become immobilized by thinking of the pain that exists in this world, and pain they are experiencing. 1. Accept that you are a sensitive person. There is nothing wrong with this, except that you will be very hard on yourself and extremely kind and forgiving to others. I can guarantee that you accept the shortcomings and faults of others quickly, but are slower to forgive yours. You see the good accomplishments, good traits, good everything about others but maybe not in yourself.

    You might ask yourself: why should you be kind to yourself- when you feel so broken and hopeless? The answer is: Just because you are alive. A counsellor gave me this answer a couple of months ago- and I didn’t understand it at the time but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. It’s not the number in my bank account, my accent, or my weight or height that make me a person. If we removed all of these things: talent, intelligence, skin colour, beliefs- without them we are all still human because we share the same hopes, and fears and have the same needs. We all need to feel and give love, we need to laugh and feel secure. 2. You deserve to be happy, and should be kind to yourself, just because you are alive.

    What does success mean? What did it mean 30 years ago? 100? What does it mean to someone who was born having everything? What does it mean to someone who was born with nothing? Just as an example: does the Queen of England feel happy and successful? Or does she wish her path hadn’t been chosen for her? I read a quote/or saw a movie- I can’t recall which it was or where- and came across this touching thought. There is a group of young children who have grown up together. The main character, a young boy is troubled that one of his friends is disabled and tells his aunt how other people make fun of the child with the disability. He asks her why God made his friend with a disability. The aunt answers: Maybe God doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with them the way they are. I don’t mean to offend you with reference to God if you’re an atheist or believe in many gods- but this observation is true without a deity. There is nothing wrong with someone until we believe they are limited somehow. 3. Your success and happiness belong to you. Don’t give it away to a person, thing, or ideal that won’t treat it with care.

    And last of all 4. We are all struggling with you. Maybe we just overcame a struggle or will be challenged in the future. This world holds so much joy and so much sorrow. Especially in the things we can’t control: where we were born, the experiences our parents had, war, natural disasters… Our society has a way of painting the world rosy- we grow up reading fairy tales and graduate to top 40 lists. Maybe it’s just the media’s way of letting us escape from the frightening news stories we fall asleep to- but it’s not real. Everyone faces challenges. The good thing is that challenges pass too. That’s the one thing that God/mother nature does consistently- times of famine are replaced with change and growth. You are in a time of change and growth. Your 30s can be scary- you leave your irresponsible 20s behind and face real adulthood and responsibility for the first time. Don’t be immobilized by fear. Remember your sensitive self? Your sensitive self in combination with this vulnerable part of your life can lead you to dwell in fear. But the whole world would grind to a halt if everyone dwelt in this fear. You look at some people who optimistic, charming, or lucky. Whatever you call it, they just seem to have a good life or deal with setbacks better. But remember that we are all struggling- you don’t know what that lucky person is dealing with, or is going to go through. You don’t know what that optimistic person went through to get that way. There is nothing wrong with the way you were put together- or the choices that you made that led to your existence and experience in this moment. It just presents you with different challenges. But you can overcome them.

    In the same way you would respond with love to your girlfriend or someone else who was asking you for help- respond with love to yourself. Recognize and honour your sensitivity by giving yourself a time to worry and then time to stop worrying. Realize that your thoughts can run away yet get nowhere like a hamster in a wheel. You have to give yourself time away from the hamster wheel. In your moments of strength or when you’re feeling less weak, talk to someone about how you were feeling. Tell someone how you were feeling and that you were thinking of suicide. The world is becoming more aware of the struggles and situations that face people who are feeling like taking their lives. There are people who care, and who are trained to help you see a way out when you can’t. This is the Canadian Mental Health Association Toll free 24/7 number 1-888-787-2880. If you live in the US, you should still be able to access them. Other ways you can take a break are: Force yourself to get out of the house or just go to a different room. Eat out if you’re always staying in- stay in if you’re always eating out. Read a book- read just one page of a book. Advise yourself the way that you would if you were talking to your girlfriend. If she was struggling with setbacks or fear, what would you tell her? Come up with strategies for yourself to get through the challenges that you are experiencing. Even if you don’t know how you’re going to get through today, the important thing is to think of something else and distract yourself, even just for as long as it takes to write down or think about overcoming challenges. Give yourself permission to change how you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to be happy. Volunteer to hold puppies, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or to clean up a neighbourhood. When you can’t commit to taking care of yourself- let your sensitive side take over in caring for others. Giving to others is the quickest way to find worth and meaning in the world. It will also give you something to look forward to.
    *Your perception can change. When you feel stuck or find yourself feeling weak or thinking of suicide- remember your loved ones- remember that you are worthy of happiness, remember that you own your happiness and success and you can change what it means to be happy and successful. It’s enough just to be alive. Remember that your struggles and limitations do not define you. You are so brave to ask for help and to talk to your girlfriend. You are so brave to face these thoughts instead of pretending everything is ok. You are a kind person to put others before yourself. You are worth more than you will ever know. The world is a better place because of you. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you for you to overcome this challenge and discover how strong and resilient you are. Yours in prayer, A. Mercy

    #65033
    Jacob
    Participant

    You are the master of your fate, you are the captain of your soul. Sometimes life is hard. It’s not the actions of “life” making things hard for you, it’s the act of living itself, which you are committing- and dying is also an act that you commit which could have negative consequences. You don’t know that death is peace. You’ll face either complete nothingness, or something even stranger. Life is long because it’s meant to be experienced. We don’t know why it’s hard, but sometimes even the act of being has consequences we can’t comprehend.

    Even in that case, you can control more than you think. Internalize your locus of control. Instead of focusing purely inside, to where you urges of suicide are, focus outwardly, and realize that you can change what you’re experiencing. Only at that point are you going to be able to feel better. If you really are out of control, like I am…stay calm, sit tight, and maybe ask somebody for advice.

    Changing your perception or waiting for opportunity to strike may not eliminate your pain. It doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes you need to smack life in the chops for the crap it pulls. Sometimes you need to sit down and deal with it calmly. Either option is better than depriving yourself of the experience that goes with living.

    #65047
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have never met any of you and probably never will but thank you. Being able to share my thoughts with everyone has be a huge help for me. I interalize everything, I suffer in silence because honestly I don’t know any other way. I was never the type to share my thoughts/emotions with other because I didn’t want to be exposed. My world perception is dark, almost evil. The fact that people who I don’t even know, have never met seem to care about my place in this world. I want to get better and I need to. You people are the bright lights that this planet needs. Again, thank you. Thank you for your love.

    #65071
    G
    Participant

    Yohannes,
    You ARE special. You do have gifts to offer the world. The world can’t function without you. Consider this, you had the strength to post this topic and reach out for help…someone somewhere is going to read this and realize that their struggle isn’t specific to them. They’re going to identify with you and it’s going to bring them comfort far greater than any degree or job you could have had. We all place so much emphasis on our achievements that are career based. Careers and education don’t mean an damn thing Yohannes. Don’t pile up so much unfair pressure on yourself. I have been in some extremely dark places..a lot like where you’re at now and you know what gets me out of them?? The friendly mailman at the post office, the panhandler giving me a smile when I give him a dollar, the guy at the gym who strikes up a conversation with me about nothing in particular, the girl in the elevator at work taking about how she wishes it was Friday. None of these people are rocket scientists, they’re just regular people doing the best they can. Please Yohannes, don’t hold yourself up to some kind of standard that doesn’t exist. I took a class on stress and anxiety reduction and 90% of the folks in it were doctors and lawyers, what’s that tell you?? Career and money mean absolutely NOTHING. I met a shoe shiner in New Orleans, he would make a few bucks a day, enough to live on and he was the happiest guy in the world..not because he was so successful but because he didn’t let life and comparisons get on top of him. I promise you Yohannes, you will bounce back and feel great, then you’ll fall back down and fell bad again…and so forth and so on. That’s life and that’s the way it’s supposed to be but you can reduce the negative reverberations by just doing the best you can and patting yourself on the back for doing so. And honestly, if you have trouble giving yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up about it, we all do it. I do it all the time but I try my best to stay mindful of the fact that I’m being hard on myself or I’m comparing myself to others, etc. The law of science and nature isn’t a theory, it’s a fact..nothing can stay the same forever. No matter how badly you get down on yourself, you will bounce back. That’s just life. I know we don’t know each other but I have so much love for you and your suffering Yohannes, but more than anything I believe in you. I really do. You’re stronger than you think my friend. Everyone who replied to you genuinely cares about you because you are an honest and sincere person who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. You probably don’t even realize how difficult that is to embody those characteristics. And as far as what you can offer to your girlfriend…you can offer her your honesty, your heart and your caring. In this world, those are the hardest things to come by and you appear to have that in spades my friend. You should be proud of yourself. Sending you lots of love and strength my friend.

    -G

    #65159
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Yohannes,
    don’t be so hard on yourself, it is an illness when you feel this bad, and if it was someone else with a broken leg, or some other condition like diabetes you would be doing your best to help them! It is now your body’s turn to help yourself, be kind to yourself, and realise we are all out here thinking of you and hoping you will feel better very soon. Take good care of yourself and do as many kind things for you yourself as you would for your friends or girlfriend, I am sure she just wants you!!! Give yourself a big hug from all of us out here and if necessary see your doctor for some help too?
    Best wishes for better days 🙂
    Sarah Jane

    #65225
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks for your kind words. I am going to seek help for my depression before it becomes a fatal issue. You people are amazing and I can’t express the graditude I feel. Changing is my only hope for survival so that’s what I am going to do. Thanks again.

    #65278
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi Yohannes,

    You have got some excellent advice from the good folks above.

    Please read the book ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron – here is the link to her website which also has a self-test:
    http://www.hsperson.com/

    GOD Bless !

    #65394
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey everyone. I am taking to heart the advice you all have givin me and I am taking it day by day. Bottom line is I am desperate these days. Being overwhelmed with so many things at once breaks me down every day I get out of bed. My dog is the only reason I haven’t done anything stupid because I am all he has and vice versa. My girlfriend is great but she doesn’t need me because she can take care of herself. You all have been so positive and so supportive of me and for that I am grateful. I have nothing left in me, everyday it’s harder, it gets worse. I can honestly say that I’ve hit bottom. It’s a struggle for me not to hurt myself, not to act on what I think I should do. I am trying to fight back but I don’t know how much longer I can.

    #65425
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Yohannes,

    If your dog is the reason to keep breathing then please keep breathing for him – pets are our Angels here on earth !

    Just try to take it one day at a time and do not think further than that – if you do, you will overwhelm yourself with concerns about the future.

    Please treat your depression – here is a link to get you started:
    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/treatment_strategies_depression.htm

    If you feel suicidal you can chat online to a person that will listen – here is the link for that:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

    There are days when we feel like the darkness will never go away but the sun always rises ! Please listen to this one song called ‘The Sun is rising’ by Britt Nicole – if not anything it will get you thru the day – here is the link:

    GOD bless !

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