Yohannes,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and thanks for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to throw your hands in the air, say “what is going on”, and try to find a path of happiness, freedom. And then to reach out to us, looking for a hand… what a great start! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When the emotional weight of “our cost to others” becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. You see yourself as baggage, a burden, but that’s just not how it is. We believe in you, see your troubles, your attempts at finding your groove, and make a conscious investment. For you, and for all that will be helped by your precious light, once you do find your groove. And remember, slow maturing wines are often the most delightful. 🙂

Now, about that feeling of heaviness,of hopeless “no way out”. That’s actually your strength, all twisted inward, grabbing at all the stuff you do that you’d like to do better. The good news is it heals, as you find a bit more balance, what is weight now becomes muscle.

The path of joy is unique for each of us, custom, a dance between our situation and our heart, so any specific “go here, go there” doesn’t help as much. Consider though, try to make each moment, when you can, a helpful moment. Is there a mess? Clean it up. Someone stuck? Give them a hand. See a need, fill a need. Small things, maybe doing some laundry, some dishes. Don’t worry if you “don’t have the energy”, or feel like it means nothing. That’s false. The small things are everything, and the energy grows along the way.

As you take small steps, gentle steps, consider a simple mantra of humility. “As I do this, may I honor the investment from others, for my benefit and theirs.” Its OK to be doing it selfishly, really only because you want to feel better. It usually starts like that, no biggie. My teacher explained that selflessness grows as the self becomes content. We start doing good deeds because we want to feel better, and once we feel better, we do good deeds without any specific need, we do them “just because”. 🙂

Next, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Even though it appears that the shadow is held together “out there” somewhere, such as finances, education, independence, career, and so forth, its actually all held together in our brain, through painful mental cycles. As we practice metta, these cycles break apart, our kind intentions create a spacious and smooth mind. Thoughts go deep into the subconscious mind and we begin to feel happy feelings. Consider “bhante gunarantana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Its OK to need a raft, just keep rowing, it gets better. 🙂

Finally, you seem more hopeless than suicidal, but if there is a lot of thought of ending your life, please get some professional advice. Many countries have hotlines and support groups, and they would love to help. Its normal to need a lot of help to stand up, find our balance. Check with a doctor, perhaps, find out if your chemistry is in balance. Check with a nutritionist, or a health nut, see if maybe you’re missing some vitamins. Reach out, explore, ask for help when you need it. Its OK, not a burden, we all need help from time to time.

With warmth,
Matt

Dearest Yohannes,

My heart is breaking for you and the light that you don’t know you bring to this world.

A little over a year ago- I lost my little brother to suicide. He took his own life because he thought that we (his family, his friends) would be better off without him. We aren’t. Our family was devastated and my world is shattered. When I think of this past year, most of it was a blur and I don’t know how I made it through. I’ve been going to counselling and met mothers, fathers, siblings, and children of people who took their own lives. They may still be breathing and living but their lives stopped and changed forever when they lost their loved ones.

The reason that I tell you this isn’t to give you guilt but to share my story, and to share with you my hope for you and people who are hurt and in pain. I don’t have all the answers but I can share with you what I have learned about my brother and suicide over this past year.

My brother was a very sensitive, kind, and considerate person. From what you’ve written, I know you are too. Sensitive people care to a point where they can become immobilized by thinking of the pain that exists in this world, and pain they are experiencing. 1. Accept that you are a sensitive person. There is nothing wrong with this, except that you will be very hard on yourself and extremely kind and forgiving to others. I can guarantee that you accept the shortcomings and faults of others quickly, but are slower to forgive yours. You see the good accomplishments, good traits, good everything about others but maybe not in yourself.

You might ask yourself: why should you be kind to yourself- when you feel so broken and hopeless? The answer is: Just because you are alive. A counsellor gave me this answer a couple of months ago- and I didn’t understand it at the time but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. It’s not the number in my bank account, my accent, or my weight or height that make me a person. If we removed all of these things: talent, intelligence, skin colour, beliefs- without them we are all still human because we share the same hopes, and fears and have the same needs. We all need to feel and give love, we need to laugh and feel secure. 2. You deserve to be happy, and should be kind to yourself, just because you are alive.

What does success mean? What did it mean 30 years ago? 100? What does it mean to someone who was born having everything? What does it mean to someone who was born with nothing? Just as an example: does the Queen of England feel happy and successful? Or does she wish her path hadn’t been chosen for her? I read a quote/or saw a movie- I can’t recall which it was or where- and came across this touching thought. There is a group of young children who have grown up together. The main character, a young boy is troubled that one of his friends is disabled and tells his aunt how other people make fun of the child with the disability. He asks her why God made his friend with a disability. The aunt answers: Maybe God doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with them the way they are. I don’t mean to offend you with reference to God if you’re an atheist or believe in many gods- but this observation is true without a deity. There is nothing wrong with someone until we believe they are limited somehow. 3. Your success and happiness belong to you. Don’t give it away to a person, thing, or ideal that won’t treat it with care.

And last of all 4. We are all struggling with you. Maybe we just overcame a struggle or will be challenged in the future. This world holds so much joy and so much sorrow. Especially in the things we can’t control: where we were born, the experiences our parents had, war, natural disasters… Our society has a way of painting the world rosy- we grow up reading fairy tales and graduate to top 40 lists. Maybe it’s just the media’s way of letting us escape from the frightening news stories we fall asleep to- but it’s not real. Everyone faces challenges. The good thing is that challenges pass too. That’s the one thing that God/mother nature does consistently- times of famine are replaced with change and growth. You are in a time of change and growth. Your 30s can be scary- you leave your irresponsible 20s behind and face real adulthood and responsibility for the first time. Don’t be immobilized by fear. Remember your sensitive self? Your sensitive self in combination with this vulnerable part of your life can lead you to dwell in fear. But the whole world would grind to a halt if everyone dwelt in this fear. You look at some people who optimistic, charming, or lucky. Whatever you call it, they just seem to have a good life or deal with setbacks better. But remember that we are all struggling- you don’t know what that lucky person is dealing with, or is going to go through. You don’t know what that optimistic person went through to get that way. There is nothing wrong with the way you were put together- or the choices that you made that led to your existence and experience in this moment. It just presents you with different challenges. But you can overcome them.

In the same way you would respond with love to your girlfriend or someone else who was asking you for help- respond with love to yourself. Recognize and honour your sensitivity by giving yourself a time to worry and then time to stop worrying. Realize that your thoughts can run away yet get nowhere like a hamster in a wheel. You have to give yourself time away from the hamster wheel. In your moments of strength or when you’re feeling less weak, talk to someone about how you were feeling. Tell someone how you were feeling and that you were thinking of suicide. The world is becoming more aware of the struggles and situations that face people who are feeling like taking their lives. There are people who care, and who are trained to help you see a way out when you can’t. This is the Canadian Mental Health Association Toll free 24/7 number 1-888-787-2880. If you live in the US, you should still be able to access them. Other ways you can take a break are: Force yourself to get out of the house or just go to a different room. Eat out if you’re always staying in- stay in if you’re always eating out. Read a book- read just one page of a book. Advise yourself the way that you would if you were talking to your girlfriend. If she was struggling with setbacks or fear, what would you tell her? Come up with strategies for yourself to get through the challenges that you are experiencing. Even if you don’t know how you’re going to get through today, the important thing is to think of something else and distract yourself, even just for as long as it takes to write down or think about overcoming challenges. Give yourself permission to change how you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to be happy. Volunteer to hold puppies, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or to clean up a neighbourhood. When you can’t commit to taking care of yourself- let your sensitive side take over in caring for others. Giving to others is the quickest way to find worth and meaning in the world. It will also give you something to look forward to.
*Your perception can change. When you feel stuck or find yourself feeling weak or thinking of suicide- remember your loved ones- remember that you are worthy of happiness, remember that you own your happiness and success and you can change what it means to be happy and successful. It’s enough just to be alive. Remember that your struggles and limitations do not define you. You are so brave to ask for help and to talk to your girlfriend. You are so brave to face these thoughts instead of pretending everything is ok. You are a kind person to put others before yourself. You are worth more than you will ever know. The world is a better place because of you. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you for you to overcome this challenge and discover how strong and resilient you are. Yours in prayer, A. Mercy

Hi Yohannes,
don’t be so hard on yourself, it is an illness when you feel this bad, and if it was someone else with a broken leg, or some other condition like diabetes you would be doing your best to help them! It is now your body’s turn to help yourself, be kind to yourself, and realise we are all out here thinking of you and hoping you will feel better very soon. Take good care of yourself and do as many kind things for you yourself as you would for your friends or girlfriend, I am sure she just wants you!!! Give yourself a big hug from all of us out here and if necessary see your doctor for some help too?
Best wishes for better days 🙂
Sarah Jane

Hi Yohannes,

You have got some excellent advice from the good folks above.

Please read the book ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron – here is the link to her website which also has a self-test:

GOD Bless !

Yohannes,

If your dog is the reason to keep breathing then please keep breathing for him – pets are our Angels here on earth !

Just try to take it one day at a time and do not think further than that – if you do, you will overwhelm yourself with concerns about the future.

Please treat your depression – here is a link to get you started:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/treatment_strategies_depression.htm

If you feel suicidal you can chat online to a person that will listen – here is the link for that:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

There are days when we feel like the darkness will never go away but the sun always rises ! Please listen to this one song called ‘The Sun is rising’ by Britt Nicole – if not anything it will get you thru the day – here is the link:

GOD bless !