Thank you all for the kind words and loving thoughts, it means a lot. I’ve been struggling for a long time with these thoughts and to be honest it’s just getting worse day after day. I’ve always had high expectations for myself and up until this point, I haven’t accomplished much. Being 31 years old with no job, education or any real family is tough to deal with and every day it gets harder to get out of bed. My girlfriend has been great thoughout all this. She’s been supportive, loving, caring but I know she will only be able to handle so much before everything that I am going through starts to weigh on her. It’s no fair for me to put her through this because she has so much going on for her. She has a Phd, she just got her dream job teaching at a college and then there’s her boyfriend, just getting by everyday with nothing to offer in return. As a man, this hurts. It hurts not being able to give back what she has givin me. If she decides one day to move on with her life I cannot blame her because she has done all she can for me and again Ill be left with nothing. I’ve messed up a lot of things in my life, a lot of good things and I am done fucking up. Maybe I wasn’t born to live this life. I can’t tell you where Ill be tomorrow, next week, next year even but I can’t continue to feel like this anymore. Life it to be lived and I am almost done fighting. I just want people to know that I tried and this battle within myself is not in my favor. I just want the pain to stop. Not just for me, for everyone so they can move on and so I can finally find peace.

ama