Hi Kate,

When I read your post my heart felt like it was sinking into my stomach. I felt as if I could “hear” the pain, confusion, loneliness and fear in your voice. This was several days ago. I’ve never written a post or a blog. Infact, other than Facebook, I’ve never written anything online. Your post has been playing on my mind because what you are going through is somewhat similar to what I have been through – picking up the pieces.

At the age of 36 I relocated overseas to pursue a career opportunity with the company I had been with for 7 years. I was single and 10,000 miles from home. 10,000 miles away from everything that was familiar and provided me with a sense of security and comfort. For the first time I was very much on my own. That is what I thought until I met the “love of my life” just 3 months after I landed in a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone or the culture.

Like me, he was an expat so I felt an immediate sense of comfort. After several months a friendship turned into love and a very happy relationship. I had only been in 4 other relationships and none of them lasted more than a year and I had never been in love before.

Less than a year into my relocation I lost my job and had a miscarriage within 2 months of eachother. I didn’t have so much as a single doubt that my boyfriend was going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with. So, I decided to stay and look for another job in my field.

5 months later my boyfriend moved in with me as I could no longer afford my rent nor break my lease. Being unemployed in a foreign country where I couldn’t even find a part-time job was terrifying. I had to drain my 401k to help make ends meet. It was worth it to me because I knew my boyfriend and I would get throught this and be together for many, many years to come.

After 6 months of being unemployed and just getting by I found a job outside of my field. I was willing to take the HUGE pay cut because being unemployed strained my relationship with my boyfriend. I though everything would get back on track once I began working. It did, but only temporarily.

Several weeks before my 2 year anniversary my boyfriend gave me a week’s notice, moved out and broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming.

Like you, my life seemed to have fallen apart in an instant. The future I was looking forward to was gone. Any sense of security and stability I had was taken away. I was 10,000 miles from home, beyond heart broken, feeling betrayed, without family and only had only made a few friends. Financially, I scraped by and at times couldn’t even afford food.

I struggled to get out of bed and attempted suicide. I learned from my friends and co-workers that he was out having fun and travelling. I could not afford to move home without a job so I stayed and tried to keep myself together. We were separated for 4 months when he and I started speaking again and I took him back.

I thought we had both learned from the experience, grown and the second time around we could avoid repeating history. The second time around with him lasted for 1 year.

Even though I forgave my boyfriend I could not forget how he left me, betrayed my trust and looked out for himself first. The sense of security I once had and the trust I once gave him never came back into the relationship. With eyes wide open I saw him repeating some of the same behaviours that he displayed before he left me. I decided not to see how it plays out and risk having my world rocked again so I broke up with him.

That was 3 weeks ago.

As I write this I am surrounded by packing boxes and suitcases. After nearly 4 (very long) years I haved decided to move home. Moving back home is what I need to do so that I can grieve the end of my relationship, focus on myself and re-engage in my career which is my passion.

I don’t have a job when I return home and will not be able to afford my own place. What I do have is a sense of security and comfort in knowing that I can handle whatever comes my way in life.

Through things I have done and sometimes things I haven’t done I’ve learned from this experience. I’ve learned:

-You can endure more than you think you can
-Yes, it is going to hurt like hell. Let it. Trying to avoid the pain creates more pain in the form of anxiety.
-Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow youself to fall into despair
-Going back to a relationship is not always the best option in order to go forward in life. You may wish you could go back but the reality of going back may be different than what you thought it would be.
-When you look to yourself for security no one can take that away – even if they leave you
-Surround yourself with family and friends (even if it’s via skype/email/phone). If I had done this perhaps I would not have fallen into such a dark depression.
-Therapy helps. I could not afford it, but feel it would have made things easier.
-Don’t read things that will bring you down. Read and watch things that will help you rise. Eckahart Tolle, Tony Robbins and Susan Jeffers are a good place to start.
-Go easy on yourself
-If you decide to stay or leave either choice can be undone which makes it less scary
-How you choose to feel determines if you can see the small things in life that can make you happy. Appreciate the small things because along with family and friends they matter the most.

Maybe I’ll fall in love again. Maybe I won’t. When you start to come out on the other end of the grief you tend to realize that being with somene is not the be-all and end-all in life.

Wishing you the best!