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divorce, sadness and the long road to recovery

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  • #64827
    kate
    Participant

    Hi

    Im going through the hardest time of my life. I recently relocated overseas for my husband’s career, which meant giving up my own and starting over. I struggled with the move, emotionally and professionally (took a HUGE pay cut) and it was tough. I became rather depressed and things got hard between us. Now we are heading to divorce. There’s no going back, it’s what he wants, no matter what i say or do.

    I am beyond crushed. My life seems to have dissolved, everything i knew, everything i planned. Ive been left in his country with no friends or family and wondering where i go from here – how do i move on? How do i put this chapter of my life to rest? It has been the most painful fw months. Ive sought therapy which has been a tremendous help. I’ve been prescribed medication to help me function. I am scared and feel hopeless for the future, and find myself stuck on thoughts of him, happily carrying on his day while i struggle to get out of bed. I KNOW this time is about me, about focusing on my life, and my happiness and my future and being content and in love with ME, and no one else. That this is now an opportunity for personal growth, love and discovery. I really believe that, but it’s so hard to let go of the fear…the fear that he was my one true love. That i’ll never find that again. That u trusted someone so implicitly and they can abandon you when things get tough. It’s felt very much like he came home, got what he wanted and i no longer fit into his new life, so goodbye. We went through hell to get me a visa, and now I’m here alone and wondering how to pick the pieces up.
    It’s not so simple that i move home – perhaps i can stay and create a new and exciting live here?

    I guess i need to know people recover from this…the only good stories I read are from those who instigated the divorce and were happier as a result. Ive never felt more abandoned and alone and i am scared for myself, my future and hate believing il never feel love or happiness ever again.

    thanks for reading

    #64829
    Archie
    Participant

    Dear Kate,
    Please don’t be so sad. You don’t deserve to be sad. You are very brave and strong because you gave up the securities that life had to offer you for the one person who was your love. But you not should give up on life just because that person abandoned you. You still have yourself! You are a very beautiful person who is capable of nurturing others on your own account. So why don’t you start loving and nurturing the most important person in your life- yourself! Take it as a new beginning. I know that you have been scarred for life. But these scars should be your inspiration.
    I know it’s very easy to put such advices in words but atleast you can try! I don’t know much about the world and relationships the way you do but I hope you see a new day with lots of sunshine and opportunities! Stay blessed!

    • This reply was modified 10 years ago by Archie.
    • This reply was modified 10 years ago by Archie.
    #64832
    Rituraj
    Participant

    Hi Kate, You situation sounds just like me. Its being an year and I dont know, how to forget those memories. But divorce is going on in the court and bad thing is that I am lawyer and ….im fighting for myself. Where she alleging all false allegations on me and whatever I did with my pure heart, that every single thing is now turned into bad intention, bad allegations. God! I somehow got used to it. But in the silence its pains. I dont think I will believe in love again. My relation was years long but just after marriage, its like “ah! i want to end it”…she never thought what I will feel and how it will effect my future, being that stage of live where my career is nothing and mounting tensions kill me.
    It feels like personal life is dead. Somehow I am alive; missing someone every moment.
    Well not talking about negative things, being a guy whose whole life revolves around beloved, personal life, love and was happiest to marry a girl whom I always loved, and it fell apart with allegations. blame game, etc.
    I learned that apart from all this Life has to be discovered, you have to find yourself, there are lots of things we need to know about us. We have to grow and make a new identity. Think its your rebirth and may be personal life is over but its only a tiny part.
    Believe in yourself, believe in God.

    #64902
    Whitelily
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    Your story sounds so much like mine, i was abandoned too by my husband after 8 yrs of marriage in a country where i had no family, we are still in the process of getting divorced , initially i lived in fear and pain and misery …worried about living alone etc .eventually i decided to face my fears , i told myself “well how hard can it be , i wont die , will i?? ” and thats when things changed for me .In the past year i have done so many things unthinkable, gone back to school, made good loving friends who support me more than family, rediscovered my old self , thats was killed in the marriage trying to please this person .

    its not easy to pick up the pieces after somebody rejects you , but you have to tell yourself everyday “I am a beautiful person and i deserve love and respect and if this is not the guy then someone else will come my way “.

    I am still single but i know i wont remain here forever ,one day true love will find me .The things that helped me most in coming out of my grief and pain are :”eckahart Tolle’s Power of now, Susan anderson’s book :from abandonment to healing and of course a daily dose of blog from Tiny buddha “.

    this is my frist post on tiny buddha , i have finally decided to share my experience and insight here , may help others in similar situations .

    only thing i will say is “never say die ” and dont give up on yourself , if you dont fight for yourself, nobody else will .

    stay strong sister.

    with love and warmth.
    whitelily.

    #65146
    Shell
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    When I read your post my heart felt like it was sinking into my stomach. I felt as if I could “hear” the pain, confusion, loneliness and fear in your voice. This was several days ago. I’ve never written a post or a blog. Infact, other than Facebook, I’ve never written anything online. Your post has been playing on my mind because what you are going through is somewhat similar to what I have been through – picking up the pieces.

    At the age of 36 I relocated overseas to pursue a career opportunity with the company I had been with for 7 years. I was single and 10,000 miles from home. 10,000 miles away from everything that was familiar and provided me with a sense of security and comfort. For the first time I was very much on my own. That is what I thought until I met the “love of my life” just 3 months after I landed in a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone or the culture.

    Like me, he was an expat so I felt an immediate sense of comfort. After several months a friendship turned into love and a very happy relationship. I had only been in 4 other relationships and none of them lasted more than a year and I had never been in love before.

    Less than a year into my relocation I lost my job and had a miscarriage within 2 months of eachother. I didn’t have so much as a single doubt that my boyfriend was going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with. So, I decided to stay and look for another job in my field.

    5 months later my boyfriend moved in with me as I could no longer afford my rent nor break my lease. Being unemployed in a foreign country where I couldn’t even find a part-time job was terrifying. I had to drain my 401k to help make ends meet. It was worth it to me because I knew my boyfriend and I would get throught this and be together for many, many years to come.

    After 6 months of being unemployed and just getting by I found a job outside of my field. I was willing to take the HUGE pay cut because being unemployed strained my relationship with my boyfriend. I though everything would get back on track once I began working. It did, but only temporarily.

    Several weeks before my 2 year anniversary my boyfriend gave me a week’s notice, moved out and broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming.

    Like you, my life seemed to have fallen apart in an instant. The future I was looking forward to was gone. Any sense of security and stability I had was taken away. I was 10,000 miles from home, beyond heart broken, feeling betrayed, without family and only had only made a few friends. Financially, I scraped by and at times couldn’t even afford food.

    I struggled to get out of bed and attempted suicide. I learned from my friends and co-workers that he was out having fun and travelling. I could not afford to move home without a job so I stayed and tried to keep myself together. We were separated for 4 months when he and I started speaking again and I took him back.

    I thought we had both learned from the experience, grown and the second time around we could avoid repeating history. The second time around with him lasted for 1 year.

    Even though I forgave my boyfriend I could not forget how he left me, betrayed my trust and looked out for himself first. The sense of security I once had and the trust I once gave him never came back into the relationship. With eyes wide open I saw him repeating some of the same behaviours that he displayed before he left me. I decided not to see how it plays out and risk having my world rocked again so I broke up with him.

    That was 3 weeks ago.

    As I write this I am surrounded by packing boxes and suitcases. After nearly 4 (very long) years I haved decided to move home. Moving back home is what I need to do so that I can grieve the end of my relationship, focus on myself and re-engage in my career which is my passion.

    I don’t have a job when I return home and will not be able to afford my own place. What I do have is a sense of security and comfort in knowing that I can handle whatever comes my way in life.

    Through things I have done and sometimes things I haven’t done I’ve learned from this experience. I’ve learned:

    -You can endure more than you think you can
    -Yes, it is going to hurt like hell. Let it. Trying to avoid the pain creates more pain in the form of anxiety.
    -Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow youself to fall into despair
    -Going back to a relationship is not always the best option in order to go forward in life. You may wish you could go back but the reality of going back may be different than what you thought it would be.
    -When you look to yourself for security no one can take that away – even if they leave you
    -Surround yourself with family and friends (even if it’s via skype/email/phone). If I had done this perhaps I would not have fallen into such a dark depression.
    -Therapy helps. I could not afford it, but feel it would have made things easier.
    -Don’t read things that will bring you down. Read and watch things that will help you rise. Eckahart Tolle, Tony Robbins and Susan Jeffers are a good place to start.
    -Go easy on yourself
    -If you decide to stay or leave either choice can be undone which makes it less scary
    -How you choose to feel determines if you can see the small things in life that can make you happy. Appreciate the small things because along with family and friends they matter the most.

    Maybe I’ll fall in love again. Maybe I won’t. When you start to come out on the other end of the grief you tend to realize that being with somene is not the be-all and end-all in life.

    Wishing you the best!

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