Hi, Jen. I am grateful for your response and for your input and clarification.

I apologize if I made sweeping generalities about your relationship based on my own experiences. As for the triangulation thing, I can only speak of how it resonated with me in the situation I was in, which was a six year ordeal. When I first met the man, whom I refer to as the destroyer, he was married but separated. His wife was in another state and I was assured that they were on the way to divorce. I told him that I could not engage with a married man, and that I was not interested in a roll in the hay with a married man, much less anyone, and that didn’t bug him. He assured me that by a certain date, he would be divorced. In the meantime, he also treated me very well and did not pressure me for sex. He waited six months (yes, for me this was a ‘test’ because I did not want to have any regrets about having sex with someone who would soon disappear) and by then I was in love. The target divorce date came and went. And so did another year. And then another. And another. In the interim, we were together very often, he was constantly calling, texting, etc. etc. and convincing me that I was his “soulmate” and all of that. I believed him. Even when he blew me off time and again because he had to deal with “the crazy ex” who he also asserted was a narcissist. Turns out, he was PROJECTING. He is the disordered one. I now understand why she was “so crazy…” and regret that I believed him over her…anyhow, when they finally did get divorced, it was as if HE FELL APART! I couldn’t believe it! We were finally free to be out in the open (what you describe above, Jen, is not out in the open if you’re hiding from his wife, from social media, hiding HIS TRUTH from the world). I did that too for over four years, so when we could be open, it was foreign to him or something. He folded, for lack of better word, and began to pursue other women insisting they were “friends” (sound familiar with what your ex’s brother is telling you)…I was exceedingly insecure. He spewed all sorts of “pretty words” at me (he was the king of pretty words in FOUR LANGUAGES to boot), but finally I discovered that pretty words are a dime a dozen, it’s the ACTIONS that tell you what’s going on and his actions, i.e. NOT BEING AVAILABLE told me the truth no matter what was spewing from his mouth. I became someone I hardly recognized (snooping, following, semi-stalking) because there was a HUGE QUESTIONMARK in my gut but I didn’t want to believe the truth so I plodded along. In fact, I amped it up so to speak. I tried even “harder” to “keep him” UGH (I cringe today thinking of this). As it turns out, he ditched me big time anyway. He was telling me all along by his actions but I refused to believe…it was easier for me to be in denial. He ended up vanishing. Changing his phone number and leaving the area. Poof. Gone. How’s that for a “soulmate” of six years?

Turns out he gave me a gift. I am almost four years out of that hell and my life is ten zillion times better than I ever thought it would be after he ditched me (and I was NOT a young woman) and way, way better than it’s ever been. Why? Because I began to heal myself inside. The entire ordeal (that I was willing to settle for a married, unavailable man) FORCED me to finally deal with the deep-seated childhood issues of not being “good enough” that I had dodged and stuffed my whole life. It was not easy work but way, way worth it. I have since had the blessing of finding an authentic, true, fun and believe it or not hot guy (even at my age) whom I have known now for more than two years who LIFTS ME UP rather than knocks me down and keeps me on eggshells, off kilter, uncertain, afraid…

This is just a glimpse of my story. I learned it later in life and was preyed upon by the destroyer at a vulnerable time. Like the person you describe, he had no intention of following through on anything…he just wanted to see how far I’d go…it was a semi-game to him. It was MY LIFE, to me. Tough lesson to learn in the fifth decade. But valuable beyond measure.

do what is in your heart, dear Jen. Remember that you have value, that you are unique and a gem, that you deserve to be treated well and valued! That you have a lot to offer and you are empathetic and understanding to a T. Remember that LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL PAIN and that a loving relationship LIFTS YOU UP, not brings you to your knees. Remember that you DESERVE a man who is available 100 percent…and that asking for that is NOT DEMANDING, it’s REALISTIC.

I apologize for being all over the map here. I do not like to see suffering at the hands of someone who may have never had the intention of following through on anything, of taking the “easy road” because he could…I hope there is some nugget of help here. I send you a huge hug. Do what’s in your heart. Listen to that little voice. Remember you don’t have to do anything at the moment…be still and listen to your gut and your heart. Remember to HONOR YOURSELF FIRST.

Love,
cat dancing