Todzilla,

Oh, sorry if I misaimed. You mentioned that you are biting the hard nugget, being selfless and listening to her needs, setting down your own. That’s great! Consider that its not like you don’t have help, you just don’t have great help from her side. Like, you have TB to vent and be heard, validated and advised. That’s not nothing, ya know?

But this idea of sacrifice, never being heard by her, never being validated from her… it sounds like you’re immortalizing a temporary pain. This isn’t “she is just a withholding woman”, there’s just a distance between you, a wall or mound. Past neglect, on both sides, left trust bent, dirt piling up between your hearts. It is a tough nugget, I know, but its still yours to chew. But don’t worry, its not permanent. Such as if you do all the good and noble work of finding inner peace and offering to share that peace with her…. she won’t turn away. Not forever. Once she trusts you’re really digging, she’ll dig too. 🙂 Said differently, its not really enough that you want her to be happy. What do you want? Do you want her? That’s perhaps what she needs to know.

Consider that your list revolves around a couple big issues she has with you. One, she feels like you criticize and try to paint her canvas for her. That perhaps scrunches her sense of freedom. Instead, encourage her to paint whatever she wants. “Hey, you want to yell at me, do it, get it out, let your voice unclog, pour to me dear love.” Or “hey, I got you some new brushes, just in case they would put a smile on your face.” You might be surprised just how thin that wall is between you, as well as how many failed attempts you have at offering her your hand.

On the receiving side, yep, perhaps you can see her issues, or know that her side isn’t perfect, can see how she could improve this or that. Keep it to yourself, unless she asks. Take a breath, let it go, perhaps ask if she needs help, and if she does, start with a hug. She doesn’t want you painting her canvas for her, and it may take some time before she trusts that enough to open up. That’s when she’ll want to learn about what makes you happy, when be able to hear your desires without it coming across as you trying to control her.

Finally, don’t be afraid. Its true that it might not work out, but you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit. When we just rest with the fears, and can accept that loving does have vulnerability with it, then we can set down the puzzle of it. The ruminating, desiring, plotting, researching… can be set aside. That’s when we can stand up, stretch out our heart’s wings and take a look around. Things often look a lot better when we shine a little light. And don’t resent it having to be your own light… that’s true for us all, even when we get a little help to rekindle, its our charge to keep it glowing. To this end, consider starting a metta practice. Metta helps to do just this… honor what gifts we’ve been given, and keep our hand more steadfast upon the wheel, more living by intention rather than reaction. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt