Todzilla,

Wow, you’re really working through it… exploring such rich and fertile fields! Great work! Todd, it seems to me you’re looking at shame, or the feeling of fear that we don’t have connection, don’t deserve love. I wrestled with this, a lot, and though it sometimes still cankers, I’ve put my mother and father issues to rest. Come to know I am lovable, as is, root to crown, wholly. The shame arises from too much dwelling on where you’ve done wrong, and not growing your curious hope. We have to come to accept that other people’s energy doesn’t have anything to do with us, not really. They have a whole life going on over there, and don’t always have the space to be loving. They get caught up in shit, just like us. But beneath the rising and falling, as a continutity of warmth and intention, is a heart that has been trying to show you that you’re loved. But when it shines, it hits painful things, your leaves get kicked up, not trusting there’s love behind the packaging.

And so you perhaps attack the packaging, instead of reaching through it. Accept the thorns as her imperfect way of loving you, and they stop hurting. For instance, she said “explore your relationship with your ma”, and it was “ouch, why is this on me?”. Rather than “perhaps her heart song is saying exactly what I need to hear, for whatever reasons, packaging forgiven. On both sides, sometimes bumbling, sometimes brilliant, a partnership of love, exploring the world together.” The later “opens up” as the shame is set down.

To ditch the shame, we have to find compassion for ourselves, or the space to see how we really are. To open up the closed fist, and let our past settle and flutter off into history. With your mom, for instance, notice how her mysterious emotional states really bothered you. Heart, full of hope, and here she comes “oooh, maybe love this time” but nope, she’s something different, and painful.

As a side note, sort of, last night I was resting with these ideas, of how my mom left me with a sense of redemption, as though I somehow had to work off my “failures” in order to be loved. My mom would lash and lash for an error, or brag and brag to all her friends for an exceptional accomplishment. I was in a meditation, resting in “yep, ha, she didn’t know she was loved either” surprised melancholy, space to shrug and let it go. Right then, my mom called me, asking me to fix her printer over the phone. Which I couldn’t. Now, she didn’t say i was bad… she just demanded i help her, and when i couldn’t, described just how horrible it would be for her in 30 minutes if her printer didn’t start working, then hung up. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I tried to help, but the conditions prevented me from doing anything more. I just couldn’t fix it, didn’t have the knowledge needed. But I also am not supposed to. Like when I messed up the alphabet, in front of a friend of hers, and afterward she would tell me I knew it, why didn’t I care enough to try to be correct. Hahahaha. I said a prayer that her situation resolve with grace, and moved on. Her emotions are her issue, not mine. Some regret that I couldn’t do more, but her “chicken little” tantrum was not of my making.

But what is important, is to set down the gavel of judgment. Like me, deciding “how dare she be like that to me”, or resentment that I gave love and she gave tantrum. Don’t get mad or pushy just because a lioness is roaring in pain, brother. They have their thorns too, the world often seems cold and unforgiving. Which you know, right?

So toss aside the gavel and approach love in a new direction. Consider that love is a continuity, but the warmth only blossoms when there is the space for it. Trust, on both sides, to express the heartfelt whispers, and to receive what flickers in the candlelight. It flows. When the trust is bent, or broken, on either side, the warmth often flickers out. So, of her tender warmth has flickered out, its your job to take the glimmer of warmth in your own chest, and help her rekindle her own. If she’s mad, offer comfort. Even if she’s mad at you. Let the thorny part of it pass right through. “I’m coming for you, my queen!” And reach again and again with heart. You say you love her a lot, and I say bah. Your heart is barely dripping, compared to the flood that’s available. And its your job, your main job, to bring rain. Why? Because that’s what you want. 🙂

Your question wasn’t “how do I divorce my wife, move on”, or “how to I juggle a mistress and a wife” or “how do I make more money”, it was “how do I reconnect with my wife?” When you ask her, she’s like “not sure, buddy, try these.” And she’s right, settling and resolving that stuff will help. Like removing stones from a backpack, the pressure behind the anger and other emotions. But there is much to be said to approaching your dance with her like an epic love poem you’re writing alongside her, to set her world to sparkle and glow with grace and wonder. Help her see that she’s a Queen, and she’ll see her King again. Its not something you have to “earn”, its just something you have to grow. Its in your hands, ya know? If she’s not melting at your touch, try again! Not all seeds blossom, but for us intrepid wanderers that plant many hopeful seeds, grace becomes a respected friend. Show her the many ways you love her, and she’ll swoon. She wants too, you can count on that. 🙂

Consider emailing me at tinybuddhamatt@gmail.com if you’d like to know more about couples energy healing. I don’t know if you’re still shopping for a therapeutic approach, but if you’d like to hear more, send me an email and we can discuss details. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Todzilla,

Oh, sorry if I misaimed. You mentioned that you are biting the hard nugget, being selfless and listening to her needs, setting down your own. That’s great! Consider that its not like you don’t have help, you just don’t have great help from her side. Like, you have TB to vent and be heard, validated and advised. That’s not nothing, ya know?

But this idea of sacrifice, never being heard by her, never being validated from her… it sounds like you’re immortalizing a temporary pain. This isn’t “she is just a withholding woman”, there’s just a distance between you, a wall or mound. Past neglect, on both sides, left trust bent, dirt piling up between your hearts. It is a tough nugget, I know, but its still yours to chew. But don’t worry, its not permanent. Such as if you do all the good and noble work of finding inner peace and offering to share that peace with her…. she won’t turn away. Not forever. Once she trusts you’re really digging, she’ll dig too. 🙂 Said differently, its not really enough that you want her to be happy. What do you want? Do you want her? That’s perhaps what she needs to know.

Consider that your list revolves around a couple big issues she has with you. One, she feels like you criticize and try to paint her canvas for her. That perhaps scrunches her sense of freedom. Instead, encourage her to paint whatever she wants. “Hey, you want to yell at me, do it, get it out, let your voice unclog, pour to me dear love.” Or “hey, I got you some new brushes, just in case they would put a smile on your face.” You might be surprised just how thin that wall is between you, as well as how many failed attempts you have at offering her your hand.

On the receiving side, yep, perhaps you can see her issues, or know that her side isn’t perfect, can see how she could improve this or that. Keep it to yourself, unless she asks. Take a breath, let it go, perhaps ask if she needs help, and if she does, start with a hug. She doesn’t want you painting her canvas for her, and it may take some time before she trusts that enough to open up. That’s when she’ll want to learn about what makes you happy, when be able to hear your desires without it coming across as you trying to control her.

Finally, don’t be afraid. Its true that it might not work out, but you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit. When we just rest with the fears, and can accept that loving does have vulnerability with it, then we can set down the puzzle of it. The ruminating, desiring, plotting, researching… can be set aside. That’s when we can stand up, stretch out our heart’s wings and take a look around. Things often look a lot better when we shine a little light. And don’t resent it having to be your own light… that’s true for us all, even when we get a little help to rekindle, its our charge to keep it glowing. To this end, consider starting a metta practice. Metta helps to do just this… honor what gifts we’ve been given, and keep our hand more steadfast upon the wheel, more living by intention rather than reaction. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt