Hi Jess,

I read your post and felt compelled to register and let you know that I can relate to what you are going through. I agree with Anna and David that you should reach out for help and find a doctor you can work with. I am 43 years old, have a wife and a 6 year old. I have been dealing with depression/bi-polar, anxiety, panic attacks since I was in my late teens.

I am still trying to find that career, have been stuck in the same job for 15 years, am underemployed, afraid of change, afraid of getting sick again, have low energy, wish I could stop my medication because it makes me so lethargic. I feel like a failure a lot of the time too. I wish I could be more than I am, I wish I could go back and make different choices, I often fantasize that if I could change my career, change my relationship or win the lottery that I wouldn’t feel like crap so much of the time. I spend far too much time comparing myself to others, I resist this moment and wish I was anywhere but here. Mental Illness is not like cancer, diabetes or any other type of disability. The self-loathing, shame and stigma is the hardest part. What gets me through is helping people who are less fortunate than me, my family, yoga and meditation help too. I am fortunate to have a supportive family. Everyone in my family has dealt with mental illness. Its what we all have in common and we can talk openly about it. I don’t discuss my illness with co-workers or my friends but wish I could.

Try to put one foot in front of the other. Do the basics, try to eat well, get some exercise, talk to family/friends (don’t isolate yourself). Try to do something each day, clean one room, do a load of laundry. When you want to go from A to Z it is overwhelming, just go from A to B and tomorrow go from B to C…

I have wasted so much of my life wishing I could change the past/mistakes. Letting go is hard, but in the end there are no mistakes, Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It is the illness that makes you feel like a failure, remember that. You have much to offer and nothing lasts forever, you will feel better again, I promise, don’t lose hope

Eric