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Finding a career and purpose among bad decisions and low self-esteem.

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #66200
    Jess
    Participant

    I’m very new to Tiny Buddah. I’ve been following Facebook links and reading the books for a few months now… But I only just started on the forums.
    I feel like I don’t know my life’s purpose. I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know what I should be doing with my life. I’m 27 years old… And I’m feeling like I’m running out of time to make a solid career for myself and to start a family with my husband. I have very low self-esteem… I suffer from clinical depression, Generalized anxiety, and a mood disorder. My emotions are all over the place all the time.
    I have my bachelor’s degree, I got it in illustration. I love art. I wanted a career in art from the time I was a child. But I graduated from college with the belief I could never sustain myself and pay off my incredibly massive student loan debt. Since then I’ve been back to school 4 times trying to meld careers and make something… anything work. I dropped out all 4 times. I know I’m a very talented artist. I’m told regularly that I am. Yet I still can’t see a future for myself. I don’t know how to take the steps to make it work. And my student loan debt is still looming over my head.
    I feel lost. Depressed. Confused. I’m so depressed I stopped taking my medication for my medical condition, it feels like it’s just not worth it. Although now I’m feeling the affects of not taking it and realizing I made a mistake. I’m so depressed I gained A LOT of weight that I don’t know how to loose. I get frustrated when I draw. And I’m barely making any money with my part time job to pay my bills. I just feel like I can’t make any right decisions. I feel like if I’m going to have a career I need one now. I honestly feel like I’m a failure in every aspect of my life. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How do you find your purpose? How do you fix the mistakes you’ve made in life?

    #66212
    Anna
    Participant

    Hey Jess,

    Wow that’s tough. I read your story and registered at tiny buddha just to reach out to you. Please know that you’re worth all the best of life, just like anybody else. You hang on girl! You have your talent, not only to bring you money, but also as a wonderful means to express your feelings, to make it all clear to yourself and others. Imagine being in this shit and not having any way to let it out of your system! Force yourself to draw without frustration, without expectations, just drawing. It’ll help.

    But also, I’m afraid you’re in too deep for yourself or anyone at the forum or even internet to pull you out of your depression. I urge you to seek for professional help. Don’t know your situation and possibilities, but there must be some way to reach a doctor or therapist. The person that prescribed your medication? Hope you didn’t stop them at once, may be dangerous and cause huge ups and downs (mostly the last, I guess..).

    Writing here to share your story was a good thing Jess, to know you’re not alone. It’s a great start to realize the size of your problem. Now please take the next step. You can do it, just like we all can. And you are so worth it. With your talents, imagine the amount of support you can give to others once you’re through. Keep that in mind. Hope to see your post soon, about the path you chose. Will you follow up?

    Love, Anna

    #66230
    Davidd
    Participant

    I agree with Anna. Get support from you family and friends as well as professionals. You are young and have so much life ahead of you. Good luck!

    David

    #66243
    Eric
    Participant

    Hi Jess,

    I read your post and felt compelled to register and let you know that I can relate to what you are going through. I agree with Anna and David that you should reach out for help and find a doctor you can work with. I am 43 years old, have a wife and a 6 year old. I have been dealing with depression/bi-polar, anxiety, panic attacks since I was in my late teens.

    I am still trying to find that career, have been stuck in the same job for 15 years, am underemployed, afraid of change, afraid of getting sick again, have low energy, wish I could stop my medication because it makes me so lethargic. I feel like a failure a lot of the time too. I wish I could be more than I am, I wish I could go back and make different choices, I often fantasize that if I could change my career, change my relationship or win the lottery that I wouldn’t feel like crap so much of the time. I spend far too much time comparing myself to others, I resist this moment and wish I was anywhere but here. Mental Illness is not like cancer, diabetes or any other type of disability. The self-loathing, shame and stigma is the hardest part. What gets me through is helping people who are less fortunate than me, my family, yoga and meditation help too. I am fortunate to have a supportive family. Everyone in my family has dealt with mental illness. Its what we all have in common and we can talk openly about it. I don’t discuss my illness with co-workers or my friends but wish I could.

    Try to put one foot in front of the other. Do the basics, try to eat well, get some exercise, talk to family/friends (don’t isolate yourself). Try to do something each day, clean one room, do a load of laundry. When you want to go from A to Z it is overwhelming, just go from A to B and tomorrow go from B to C…

    I have wasted so much of my life wishing I could change the past/mistakes. Letting go is hard, but in the end there are no mistakes, Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

    It is the illness that makes you feel like a failure, remember that. You have much to offer and nothing lasts forever, you will feel better again, I promise, don’t lose hope

    Eric

    #66246
    Bea
    Participant

    Dear Jess,

    I could’ve written this post myself! Except I’m no artist… I’m almost 25 years old, unemployed, lonely, moody and getting depressed by the minute. I don’t know who I am. I do know I am someone but I don’t know what my purpose in life is. I know what I like but finding a career/job/whatever label seems like an impossible ‘feat’ at the moment. I constantly compare myself to other ‘successful’ people and that makes me feel like a total loser. But deep down I know I am not a loser. I know that things change and I know things will change for the better. Jess, you are a talented artist, that’s your passion. I know it’s hard to get out of this suffocating negative mentality but life throws curveballs at all of us. It’s just what life does. And we don’t have control over things but we can change the way we react to things. The way we react to difficult situations. I feel stuck here BUT I know this is only temporary. Everything changes. I still feel bad about myself but I’m taking one step at a time. Baby steps. I think the most difficult part is fighting with your own self. Telling yourself that things will work out no matter what. I’m turning to spirituality because I need peace, I need to be at peace with myself and right now I’m not but I know I will eventually get there. You will too. You just have to keep taking life one day at a time. Take some time every day to reflect and clear your mind of any thoughts. That’s what I’m trying to do and it makes me feel much better. And I have a looooong way to go but I think I’m on the right path. You have to believe you can do this.

    #66298
    Stan
    Participant

    I, like the others above me also registered on the site to send my reply. A powerful post to make so many people around the world sign up just to reply. As a 37 year old man that is still trying to break away from his families grasp to try and find where I want to ‘start’ my life, I also deal with a lot of the same issues.

    In depressed times for myself as well as friends and family I notice that people focus on the bad things in their life instead of on the good – which to a point is good as we need to find a way out of the mess we have possibly put ourselves in – but thinking only about the negative puts us into these extremely depressed states of mind which are hard to come out of. What I try to focus on is my personal strengths and the fact that I’ve gotten out of some sticky situations in the past to try and remain confident that things will come around and I will ‘catch a break’ sometime. (which I believe improves almost any situation on its own) The key is to just keep yourself in a mood where you will be ready to catch that break it when it comes.

    Even in your post written at a bad point in your life, it is easy for someone away from the situation to see that you still have a lot of things going for you. Just keep your head up, remind yourself of positive things you’ve gotten through in the past and be ready to make the jump once that next opportunity comes along and instead of trying to compare yourself to others, remind yourself that everyone goes through life at different times, it doesn’t mean the end result will be any worse than any one else’s. Besides, aren’t you artists supposed to have tortured lives? 😉

    EDIT: One other thing I wanted to touch on is that there are different ways of judging success in this life. I’ve been on both sides of the coin and there are always troubles whether it being financially or otherwise, but I believe North America puts too much emphasis on finances to deem if someone is successful. I have a university prof brother who makes 6 figures, has the wife and kids and a PhD, but has spent his whole life studying and working and unable to spend more time with his kids. There was another article on this site that touched on this http://tinybuddha.com/blog/where-true-happiness-comes-from-how-we-gain-by-having-less/ . Basically, just because your money is tight and career goals are not where you’d like them to be, don’t let that make you think your whole life is a wash.

    #67264
    Julia
    Participant

    Hi Jess,

    You sound like someone in need of practical career assistance and kindred spirits rather than a career overhaul. I too always wanted to be an artist, but I let my family talk me out of it. They convinced me that I would be forced to go door to door with my portfolio, doing odd jobs so I didn’t starve to death. So instead I studied something practical, hated it, and now am in the process of complete career overhaul. P.S. I’m reconsidering Graphic Design.

    I’m going to give you the only known antidote to fear: information. I no longer believe that art is a sure route to poverty. Schools do a terrible job of preparing art students for the practicalities of making as an artist, and I think that is what you’re feeling now. This information is available if you seek it out, and I would especially like to recommend mentorships to you. There is a great organization called The Arts Business Institute which helps artists do everything from finding mentors, develop pricing and advertising strategies and locate relevant artist’s guilds. Here is a link to a great article on finding mentors:

    http://www.artsbusinessinstitute.org/blog/why-artists-need-mentors-–-and-how-to-find-one/

    It’s very hard to start any kind of business without the assistance and support of others, so don’t beat yourself up or worry that you’re not capable – you just don’t yet have the information that you need. Another thing that I would wholeheartedly recommend is taking business courses. You can take arts-centered business courses at places as diverse as NYU, Sotheby’s, or the Maryland Institute of Art. There are hundreds of art industry business courses available online.

    Another resource which I have found valuable is the biographies and autobiographies of modern day artists. It can be tempting to look at successful artists and think that the Stars converged for them and success fell into their laps. It’s rarely the case. As Ashton Kutcher once wisely stated, success looks a lot like hard work. I wish you the best of success.

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