It really sounds like a gut wretching situation you are in. I know this must be hard, and I think so do you given what you have said about how this all effects you. Take this into consideration, listen to what your body/mind are telling you about the situation. If it hurts, allow yourself the space to feel that, its okay. Treat yourself kindly during this process, even through the pain.

As I write this to you, I am 2 years shy of a BPD diagnosis myself. And before you mentioned her diagnosis, I imaediately knew this was what was going on. Because of my personal experiences, I can say it seems like this is a major force that is driving her. Like the commenter Inky has said, this is almost like a possession of sorts- and not the real person. Think about that for a few moments before you take the guilt onto your shoulders, because its actually not your fault.

You might feel some fault because you continued to talk with her after the break up, but you likely did so because you care and did not want her to feel abandoned or hated. Whatever your reasoning, I bet it came from that deep place inside of your heart that tends to evade logic. Emotions and logic aren’t hand in hand, and feeling emotion does not make you foolish or otherwise. It also dosent make you guilty for someone else’s behaviors either.

Here is a tip, stick to your boundaries. Not only because it will eventually help her understand how to respect them, but because you will respect yourself much more for it. Just because you have to cut off communication, does not make you a cold or insensitive person. It means you care about yourself, and that is an extremely important quality to uphold. As you see in your ex, what happens when you dont.

Her suicidal thinking and behaviors are not your fault either. This is her way of escaping, coping or releasing the demon inside of her. I know because I’ve been there myself. Think about it this way, she had these impulses and behaviors long before you ever met her. They can’t be your fault. We know this is true because of her diagnosis, and terrible past. We know this is true because frequent/chronic suicidal thinking/behavior is a trademark of the BPD diagnosis. Once again this is more proof that the guilt you feel is not based in truth.

Remember this, when you feel guilt it is a feeling- But it does not define you as a person. You do not have to wear your guilt as part of you, no matter how intense it is.

Now, I am no stranger to guilt. I suffered crippling guilt over the horrible breakup I had with my ex. My behaviors and such hit me smack in the face and I felt like I could not function for several months. The guilt took over, and I gave it many months of my life and my recovery. You know what my therapist told me?

She said guilt isn’t a useful feeling. It dosen’t help us grow. Initially, it is there to teach us sometimes if we have gone wrong- but if we continue to replay our mistakes over and over again in our head, we are not actually growing from them. The purpose of making mistakes is to learn from them, not to be defined by them.

And then there are times when guilt did not stem from a mistake you made, but rather the fact that you are an empathetic person who cares. There is no guilt in this! You have a big heart for your ex, and likely you are a caring person in general. This is something to be proud of, not ashamed. We need you here.

On your suicide attempt: Please stay here with us. When the darkness clutters your waking moments, remmember that darkness is not all there is. Remember that for as long as you have this physical body, you can see beautiful things too. Take that beauty it and let it humble you. You are important and have so much in you yet that you haven’t even discovered.

She will be okay some day my friend, I am living proof. I am crying as I type this. Please stay here with us.