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November 2, 2014 at 12:36 pm #67169Mango LuvParticipant
Silly little woman? Nah. I’m a grown up woman!!
Well thanks for all the ‘truths’ you have bestowed upon me, but I wasnt asking how I can benefit him in this situation (:you arent what he needs”), as clearly his needs are not in my hands anymore. I was seeking advice to get me through my understanding of the situation.
You absolutely can love someone despite your lack of self love. The only thing it really does is make you more selfish when that relationship inevitably does open you up. We are not all zen buddhist monks, we are all at different stages of healing or re growth- But that dosen’t mean we cant love another person regardless. If that were the case, I would not have moved 2k miles to be with this person.
The way you have addressed this post heavily stinks of shame. “You arent what he needs” “Silly little woman” among others.
The truth is that we are never alone. Internally we may be individuals, we are all unique, but we are never alone. And its interesting how you tell me that I shouldnt accept the advice of others telling me how to feel- and then you go and do the same.
get lost.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Mango Luv.
November 2, 2014 at 7:37 am #67144Mango LuvParticipantOh and actually last night I did tell my friend that I did not want to hear anything the ex has to say. See my ex is not trrying to contact me by any means, it was just repeated by my friend without much thought put into it. But yes I was able to draw that line with my friend and that felt good. I know he will respect it.
November 2, 2014 at 7:23 am #67143Mango LuvParticipantInky,
This is all great advice, but it does not completely fit my situation. I hate living in this town, and not just for the breakup. I live in a rural town that has no transportation to any neighboring cities, I have not left in at least 9 months as a result. Ive been stuck in this little tonwn. There is nothing here for me as much as I try to create those things, I would have never ever moved here if it werent for him. Ive been trying to get out of here for several months now and tried so many reolocation options, to no avail. I do not have family that I can depend on and the few (but great) friends I have are already housed up and cannot spare the space. I am very much on my own out here, in a go-nowhere sort of place.
However, I try to redirect my attention. I focus on creating things that matter to me while I am here. I take my weekly hikes, buy healthy food while my rent here is cheap etc etc. I do good with what I have, but I actually want to move on from here. Desperately so.
November 2, 2014 at 6:18 am #67140Mango LuvParticipantPeople are not here to fit your expectations. We are not all ready to take the next step in life, and maybe he has an entirely different life path ahead of him than you. That dosen’t make him less of a person, it just means that you don’t see to eye to eye.
The more you expect of people in life, the more dissapointment you will have. Its okay to have “standards” for how you would like to be treated (of course!) But expecting someone to live a life that YOU want them to live, is actually selfish on your part. Extremely so.
Focus on yourself and what you want out of life first, don’t project it onto other people. You will continue to drive people away and will suffer endless dissapointments. Again, people dont live their lives for you, they live it for themselves. You dont like it? Then get out.
November 2, 2014 at 4:31 am #67133Mango LuvParticipantIt really sounds like a gut wretching situation you are in. I know this must be hard, and I think so do you given what you have said about how this all effects you. Take this into consideration, listen to what your body/mind are telling you about the situation. If it hurts, allow yourself the space to feel that, its okay. Treat yourself kindly during this process, even through the pain.
As I write this to you, I am 2 years shy of a BPD diagnosis myself. And before you mentioned her diagnosis, I imaediately knew this was what was going on. Because of my personal experiences, I can say it seems like this is a major force that is driving her. Like the commenter Inky has said, this is almost like a possession of sorts- and not the real person. Think about that for a few moments before you take the guilt onto your shoulders, because its actually not your fault.
You might feel some fault because you continued to talk with her after the break up, but you likely did so because you care and did not want her to feel abandoned or hated. Whatever your reasoning, I bet it came from that deep place inside of your heart that tends to evade logic. Emotions and logic aren’t hand in hand, and feeling emotion does not make you foolish or otherwise. It also dosent make you guilty for someone else’s behaviors either.
Here is a tip, stick to your boundaries. Not only because it will eventually help her understand how to respect them, but because you will respect yourself much more for it. Just because you have to cut off communication, does not make you a cold or insensitive person. It means you care about yourself, and that is an extremely important quality to uphold. As you see in your ex, what happens when you dont.
Her suicidal thinking and behaviors are not your fault either. This is her way of escaping, coping or releasing the demon inside of her. I know because I’ve been there myself. Think about it this way, she had these impulses and behaviors long before you ever met her. They can’t be your fault. We know this is true because of her diagnosis, and terrible past. We know this is true because frequent/chronic suicidal thinking/behavior is a trademark of the BPD diagnosis. Once again this is more proof that the guilt you feel is not based in truth.
Remember this, when you feel guilt it is a feeling- But it does not define you as a person. You do not have to wear your guilt as part of you, no matter how intense it is.
Now, I am no stranger to guilt. I suffered crippling guilt over the horrible breakup I had with my ex. My behaviors and such hit me smack in the face and I felt like I could not function for several months. The guilt took over, and I gave it many months of my life and my recovery. You know what my therapist told me?
She said guilt isn’t a useful feeling. It dosen’t help us grow. Initially, it is there to teach us sometimes if we have gone wrong- but if we continue to replay our mistakes over and over again in our head, we are not actually growing from them. The purpose of making mistakes is to learn from them, not to be defined by them.
And then there are times when guilt did not stem from a mistake you made, but rather the fact that you are an empathetic person who cares. There is no guilt in this! You have a big heart for your ex, and likely you are a caring person in general. This is something to be proud of, not ashamed. We need you here.
On your suicide attempt: Please stay here with us. When the darkness clutters your waking moments, remmember that darkness is not all there is. Remember that for as long as you have this physical body, you can see beautiful things too. Take that beauty it and let it humble you. You are important and have so much in you yet that you haven’t even discovered.
She will be okay some day my friend, I am living proof. I am crying as I type this. Please stay here with us.
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