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Hard time letting go, and mental illness relapses

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  • November 2, 2014 at 5:23 am #67136
    Mango Luv
    Participant

    Hey Everyone!

    A year ago I moved to a very small town in the middle of nowhere in an attempt to follow the love in my heart. I was joined by my ex in this undertaking, this is where he grew up. Prior to moving out there I was a month shy from being off the street, and I was in bad shape mentally. I had a diagnosis a year prior to meeting him, of borderline personality disorder. By the time we met, I had suffered even more trauama being homeless and my trust in men was almost non existent. But I knew some how this person was special to me, I dove in. I made the jump.

    Flash forward a few months into the relationship, severely dysfunctional. I broke lots of boundaries and insistently accused him of cheating on me. I believe he felt trapped by my intense emotion, outward display of anger and obvious troubled state. He had also played on that vulnerability from time to time and it literally sent me into a tailspin right into the hospital psych unit- 3 times.

    It was a horrible mess that ended in a ridiculous sort of way. A blow out fight that caused both parties to get aggressive on a physical level. The anger was ripping at the seems of our relationship. We had fallen apart. He seemed to loathe me, and I was still just as in love with him. Needing his support, in a strange town, while I was going through a severe mental break down from my life prior to the move- broken open in so many ways. I behaved selfishly at times, it wasnt fair. I did what I could to right those wrongs… but I was one trigger shy of another melt down.

    He broke up with me, changed his number and has treated me like the black plague since. lol
    I was completely shut out and it hurt more than I can even express. The amount of rejection and almost hatred I feel from him is enough to make me choke. Im still processing through the abrupt departure from my life, and the lack of communication afterwards. Its almost like he died, yet hes still alive.

    I got better, Ive been in therapy now for over 9 months dedicated. I am so far beyond where I was and some healing has taken place. I feel real again. Well, a triggering moment happened last night:

    A mutual friend that I met through the ex and I were hanging out. He is a good dude and treats me like my own person despite his good friend being my ex.

    He brings him up from time to time and I suppose its because thats the common ground that I met this friend upon. Unshakingly I get associated as the ‘ex’ at times, and I dont think this friend has any idea how ugly things were between us. I dont think he knows im still recovering, and still in love with this ex despite the horrible time we had together. Im working on all that, Im grieving still. But anyway

    He mentioned about the thanksgiving gathering we are going to have this year, and how he wanted to invite my ex- but did not want to invite us to the same gathering. He said that my ex had told him not to invite us to the same events or have me near him when he is around hanging out.

    It struck me so deeply in that moment, it felt like his rejection just happened to me all over again. I tried to use my self talk techniques and bring reality back into the situation. Sure he dosent want to see me, its okay, its his choice, I dont have control over what others do, Yes it hurts, Yes I wouldnt do the same thing to him, But its okay thats his choice. You know, all that shit.

    But as the night wore on, it kept eating at me and then I got home and had a bit of a melt down. I’d like to think of it in terms of a relapse. I had been doing so good at this whole breakup thing, and I had even seen him a few times at the store after the fact, I didnt fall apart then. But last night? Nothing could console me for about 45 minutes, I was un touchable.

    The emotions hit hard and I realized just how important this person STILL is to me. I realized that yes, I am still in love with him. I have done so much work to move on from that relationship, even dated a few guys here and there.

    But I did not expect this to hit me so hard. I feel like I am having a hard time letting go of him, even though he is definitely adament that he does not want me in any part of his life.

    I would have left this town already if I could afford anywhere else. Im working on that as my next step to put a close to the relationship, I reconize that me still being here in this town is a trigger for these feelings…But its all I can do right now with the means I have.

    What are some thoughts and helpful advice should anyone be willing to share it with me? Its hard for me.

    November 2, 2014 at 5:55 am #67137
    Inky
    Participant

    I think if you left town you would still be triggered. That “I was run out of town” feeling. If you have a job and a place to stay, and would live there anyway if you never met your ex ~ then stay. Staying in your own home is a sign of strength, of self-respect.

    You can also re-write the script. Tell the mutual friend that you don’t want to hear about the ex when he brings him up. If you become friends with other people who know him say, “Ex and I went through a break up, actually, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk about him. He reacted badly.” (Of course, if they relay that back to ex and it gets back to you, say, “I’m sorry he’s still reacting badly about it.” And then repeat the script that you don’t want to talk about him.)

    If he ever runs into you or contacts you say, “Stay away from me” and remove eye contact or hang up the phone.

    If you know where he lives you can write a letter to him saying that since you are running into and meeting several of his friends you want him to be clear that “Remember It’s Over. Please don’t go to gatherings if you hear I’m there. There’s no need to respond.” Then send it with no forwarding address. You have now Flipped the script and regained control.

    This is not kosher, but it’s not a lie, either. Now go hold your head up high in your new town.

    November 2, 2014 at 7:23 am #67143
    Mango Luv
    Participant

    Inky,

    This is all great advice, but it does not completely fit my situation. I hate living in this town, and not just for the breakup. I live in a rural town that has no transportation to any neighboring cities, I have not left in at least 9 months as a result. Ive been stuck in this little tonwn. There is nothing here for me as much as I try to create those things, I would have never ever moved here if it werent for him. Ive been trying to get out of here for several months now and tried so many reolocation options, to no avail. I do not have family that I can depend on and the few (but great) friends I have are already housed up and cannot spare the space. I am very much on my own out here, in a go-nowhere sort of place.

    However, I try to redirect my attention. I focus on creating things that matter to me while I am here. I take my weekly hikes, buy healthy food while my rent here is cheap etc etc. I do good with what I have, but I actually want to move on from here. Desperately so.

    November 2, 2014 at 7:37 am #67144
    Mango Luv
    Participant

    Oh and actually last night I did tell my friend that I did not want to hear anything the ex has to say. See my ex is not trrying to contact me by any means, it was just repeated by my friend without much thought put into it. But yes I was able to draw that line with my friend and that felt good. I know he will respect it.

    November 2, 2014 at 10:23 am #67156
    areNdee
    Participant

    Hello Mango,

    First let me say that I’m currently going through the same thing (not the exact same situation but something really similar). I have had quite a fucked up childhood and have suffered from PTSD (induced by psychosis) for at least 7 years (and I’m nowhere near being healed completely, might not get there ever btw).

    So I get where you are coming from and I want you to understand that you are not the only one going through this. It is the nature of the universe to experience things like this in a slightly different way each time so it can understand.
    But I’m not here to preach but to help.

    Here are some things I try to do when I think about my ex or get confronted with situations in which I start thinking about her or negative things in general.

    – Accept that you cannot give your ex what he/she needs.
    Because truly, if your ex made you happy you would want him to be just as happy as you were back then. This is a core issue. You have not moved on because you still “love” your ex.
    This one may sting, but if you really loved him you would accept that he no longer wishes to see you or have contact with you. This is something you cannot control. If you truly loved him you would give him that which he deserves which is not you.

    – Love yourself and don’t “try” to change yourself (this will happen without you working for it)
    When you were in the relationship you were happy but inevitably things went sour. There could be many things that are a reason for this. For me it was self-love.
    If you do not love each and every single part of you, negative or positive you cannot truly love another.

    – Rely on yourself and trust your higher self to know what you need to be happy
    Your higher self, the universe, god or however you want to call it, always gives you exactly what you need whenever you need it. It may not be what you want however. Would you have been happy when you would still be in that relationship? I don’t think so.

    – See that all things are temporary
    Probably in the beginning of your relationship you thought you were going to be in this relationship forever, and he would make you happy.
    Life doesn’t work like that unfortunately. Change in you and others is inevitable, all things are temporary, don’t fight that, embrace it and it will work out.

    – View it as an opportunity
    The fact that this friend mentioned that your ex doesn’t want to see you or be with you means that even-though you thought you were over him you clearly are not.
    This is not a relapse, this is an opportunity. You now realize that apparently you are not over him. This is perfect! Now you get to work on this and being a better you than you were yesterday! And you’ve already come so far, exciting isn’t it?!

    – Set some space aside each day to reflect
    When you reflect on your day, not just when it has been a crappy day, you can get to ask yourself questions why this is the case. Why are you happy today? Why were you unhappy yesterday?
    When you know why you were happy, you can continue doing that. When you know why you were not happy yesterday you can accept this for what it was and confide in that.

    – You are not who you were, accept that.
    Your ex is basing his current actions based on anger and resentment of you were not who you are. He has no idea how much you have progressed since you broke up don’t let something like that affect you.

    – Laugh at yourself
    When you feel like this it seems like the last thing you would want to do. But I try to do it all the time. Just examine your thoughts and observe them, you might be thinking stuff like this: “Why doesn’t he want to see me? Am I not worthy? Why does this hurt me so much? I don’t want this to hurt me. How can I stop this from hurting me? Why can’t I find something to stop this?” this goes on.
    At some point you will notice you, or more precisely your ego, are doing this.
    Just recognize how silly you are for doing this. You’re just a silly little woman who thinks about things that are not even relevant for the situation you are in right now. You might be doing the dishes when you think these things. Do these thoughts really help you with anything? Will the dishes be done faster? NO! So laugh at them, they are just silly little thoughts which hold no meaning, only the meaning you assign to them yourself.

    – You are alone, so love being alone
    This may not be something you don’t want to hear. But you are always alone. Yes you may have friends, yes they love you, but when they are gone you will again be alone.
    You can’t expect your friends to solve this for you (I’m not saying you do this btw). The only one who can do that is you. Again this comes down to self love.
    If you are always alone who will always be there for you? YOU! Comfort yourself as a parent would comfort their child. Tell yourself that everything will be and is okay, because it will and is.

    – Imagine a worst-case scenario
    Imagine something that is the worst thing that could happen based on the fear you are having at that moment. This may seem counter intuitive because who would like that to happen right? The thing is, when you accept the worst possible situation, your current situation will not be that bad.
    Even if you think your current situation is the worst there is, what can happen? It can only get better right? Because it already is the worst situation you could possibly be in it can’t get worse, otherwise it wouldn’t be the worst situation.

    – Don’t ask others what is best for you
    The only person who know what you need is you. Other people can only tell you things that work for them. And you are a unique being. your experience is unique and what works for them doesn’t have to work for you.
    Find ways that work for you, and again trust yourself to find ways, because you will.

    Dear Mango Luv, Trust, Love and honor yourself be proud of who you are, always. Namaste.

    November 2, 2014 at 12:36 pm #67169
    Mango Luv
    Participant

    Silly little woman? Nah. I’m a grown up woman!!

    Well thanks for all the ‘truths’ you have bestowed upon me, but I wasnt asking how I can benefit him in this situation (:you arent what he needs”), as clearly his needs are not in my hands anymore. I was seeking advice to get me through my understanding of the situation.

    You absolutely can love someone despite your lack of self love. The only thing it really does is make you more selfish when that relationship inevitably does open you up. We are not all zen buddhist monks, we are all at different stages of healing or re growth- But that dosen’t mean we cant love another person regardless. If that were the case, I would not have moved 2k miles to be with this person.

    The way you have addressed this post heavily stinks of shame. “You arent what he needs” “Silly little woman” among others.

    The truth is that we are never alone. Internally we may be individuals, we are all unique, but we are never alone. And its interesting how you tell me that I shouldnt accept the advice of others telling me how to feel- and then you go and do the same.

    get lost.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Mango Luv.
    November 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm #67172
    areNdee
    Participant

    It would appear as if you have taken all my good intentions and navigated them towards negativity.
    You took out only the things that were possible to take in as negative and assigned them as being negative, disregarding the overall positive vibe and intention behind it not even mentioning them in your reply.

    Why would I write a post this long with the intention to hurt you or make you feel ashamed?

    I know what it is like to be in a situation “like” yours. I do not know your situation and I never said I did.

    I hope that you will find peace within yourself and put your focus away from negativity, and I believe you will.

    Namaste.

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