I feel you as well.
i have recently began to admit a lot of things to myself. accept that i have regrets and that i have done bad things. that doesnt mean i am a bad person but sometimes its impossible to realise that. i feel like anyone i condsidered a friedn was fake because seriously who could like that monster???
when self loathing sets in its horrible and a huge pit to fall into. but you can scramble out. i personally like to write myself out of it. i start by just writing waht is on my mind – why the hate. then through different methods i have found on here and other sites i coax myself out. i start to sort the feelings into the places where they belong and then to also recognise why they are there, why they are allowed to be there and how to then deal and leave them behind.
sometimes when i really cannot get out of the black hole i just make myself write what in my life is good and what i am grateful for… then how did it get there – because i work hard, my family loves me because i show them love, why do i have a functioning brain and body because i look after it (now) then from there i really can get up into why i am better now for realising the bad things.
there will always be the fear that things will fall apart, and they probably will but you have the tools now to get back up. and people are accepting, you said you had a few true friends if thats the case they will accept what you have been through and if it rears its head again will still be there when you sort your things out.
you have a wonderful man who has supported you into this and out of this and for that you are truly blessed.
feel strong be strong and let hapiness in 🙂

also MARYLAURA if you just need to talk there is a website google 7 cups of tea and you can just talk to a stranger… its helped me soooo much!