Not too long ago, i started realizing a lot of things about myself. Not so good things, and i’m not sure to what extent these new found truths were actually true, but i started to feel really low about myself. And I began to think that everyone knew all these things about me and were only pretending to like me. This ruined me. I was thinking things like,

“I can’t believe i thought people liked me.”- i started to think that everything nice anyone has ever said to me was sarcastic remark, i was just too daft to realize it. I started analyzing every memory of the relationships i had with others and my brain brought forth all these things people has said to me in the past that now some how was seen in a different light.

I became so paranoid, taking everything people say in a very distorted understanding. I doubted everything. Myself, the most. Around this time, i recently dropped all my friends, (not that there were many) but the few that were close to me, cause i found a new guy. And we got really close and i started spending all my time with him and only him. But when this paranoid, negative thinking started, i doubted him too.

I made up this elaborate story in my head that he has been with me for just sex, and did not really like me. He has close connections to my circle of friends, however ive never chilled with him and them together before. So i thought they all told him of me and he knew me, for “who i was”. Everything he said, i took it wrongly, but i didn’t break up with him. I was in this constant switch between trusting him and knowing 100 % that my fears were true. I was subconsciously searching for proof in his actions and in the things he said that proves my theory right.

If i were to write in detail the stories i created in my head, the crazy, illogical story lines, i would truly make it seem silly. Because how could I even think such a thing to be true? How could everyone i have ever met, be so cruel and mean? But my rationalization was, it was i was the one who was horrible and insensitive first. They just reacted accordingly.

The result of all this was i shut off completely with the outside world. although, weirdly enough, i was still living with my boyfriend. but i just could not function around him. i was anxious and fearful, but somewhere deep deep lost in me i knew i couldn’t leave because i knew this wasn’t right, i guess. but the more i tried to be normal around him, the more i couldn’t. i got frustrated, i got angry at myself, i couldn’t eat, i slept a lot, i had no conversations with anyone for the longest time. i became so scared, had many breakdowns, but i couldn’t get out of it.

It’s important to note too i guess, that i was on chemicals, more than ever before. I’ve stopped after my last breakdown and ive redirected my fear to figure out a way to work on all the things ive realized about myself.

like being self centered, not being honest, being shallow and not being loving. most importantly though, not putting effort in everything.

even though things are a lot better with my boyfriend, i’m still afraid of meeting with my old friends. and i’m afraid things might fall apart again.