Hi Vhanon,

Thanks so much for taking time to reply, I’ve read what you said, and the first part does make a lot of sense. His sister does have 20 years of friendship ahead of me, 20 years of memories and bonds that I can’t break into. I also think it’s very amazing that you are able to read my needs from my post, it’s true that as an only child I’ve never really had that one person I could relate to.

Having said all that, I can’t go with option 1, because I have tried. I am a person who typically seeks the friendship and approval of the other party before they do so with me, and my love language is a gift giver, so I have always given gifts and tried to reach out to people when I meet them. If they also open their hearts and reciprocate, thats how a friendship is formed, if they don’t, I try again, and if after the 2nd time, they still brush me away and push me aside, then that is where I draw the line because I don’t see a need to beg for the other person’s attention or approval. When I first met my boyfriend and his sister, I tried to talk to her, I tried to form a friendship with her, because I know how important she is in his life. However from her actions, she brushed me away. Maybe it’s because her brother has never ever had a girlfriend, and I’m the first girlfriend, and I’m taking away all his time and attention he used to spend on her. Fast forward 5 years…yes thats how long my boyfriend and I have been together, the relationship between me and his sister has not improved, it has only worsened.

I, for one never call her names or anything in front of my boyfriend, I just pretend that she doesn’t exist and vice versa, but recently I found out that she calls me names to his face, and she has been trying to introduce other girls to him as well. I think that this just reflects very badly on her upbringing and it’s downright rude, but I have read several articles from tinybuddha about letting go, and being the bigger person, so I decide not to pursue it, but I know for sure that a friendship between us will never ever happen. It doesn’t help matters as well, that she is the princess of the family, her dad absolutely dotes on her, and she can do no wrong. Sometimes, even though my boyfriend is unwilling, his father bends his hand to make sure that he’s there for his sister, he’s doing things for her, he’s talking to her(because she claims he’s the ONLY one she can talk to, and she’s recently married btw), so I guess sometimes things are not within the control of my boyfriend either.

For the second thing, I do agree that I place a lot of responsibility on my boyfriend, depending on him for my happiness, etc, but I do have a best friend, I have a best friend for over 20 years that I confide in. She is the sort of best friend that we can don’t communicate for weeks and when we talk, we can just pick up where we left off, as though we haven’t lost a day. In fact, other than her, I have several other close friends that I confide in as well, so I am not particularly someone who shuts off from the world and makes my world revolve around my boyfriend.

All this brings me down to why I started this topic in the first place, to try to find a bridge between acceptance, where I am not essentially changing who I am, to accept his beliefs, or what is acceptable in his perception. The thing is I feel maybe because I’ve never ever had that connection with a sibling, I don’t understand it? I have asked around, I have asked many friends with siblings, but somehow or other, male or female, they all know where to draw the line and back off when either of their siblings have a partner, which I do not see in the case of my boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s because he’s unwilling to draw the line, considering the 20 years of history, or as what he says “he doesn’t feel that he has crossed any lines in his beliefs, therefore he doesn’t think that he’s doing/done anything wrong”. I am therefore “asked” to accept him for who he is, which I find very tough because what is acceptable to him isn’t to me, and for me to accept that, I have to change what I have always deemed unacceptable.