I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have seen people close to me battling with depression and I know that it is a horrible place to be. I can only imagine how it must feel when it goes on for so long and you feel like all hope is lost.

You say that you have tried numerous ways of dealing with this, so I guess it’s fair to assume that I can’t utter any magic words which will suddenly change everything for you. One thing I do know though, your worst part “I don’t know what I want” – that’s my worst part too. I have a degree, a Master’s degree and a fairly good life by all accounts, and yet I’m feeling in complete limbo right now, not sure what my next step should be, unsure of myself, and feeling increasingly fragile. I think though, a surprising number of people (especially in their late twenties – I’m 28) are feeling this way. Society places a lot of pressure on us all to be living the perfect life, in the perfect body, and knowing exactly what we want and going out to get it. Real life isn’t that clear cut. My Mum used to say a phrase that has occasionally comforted me through these moments “Everybody’s bluffing” – I think there’s definitely some truth in that. As for seeking approval – our society is built on that these days: celebrity culture, Facebook likes, Instagram likes/comments… everyone seems to be needing reassurance that they are being a successful human. I’m not saying that to belittle your issues, but to highlight that perhaps you’re not so different from everyone else as you think.

I know you may not believe me when I say it, but you are NOT a burden on humanity, and you are NOT a waste of resources. You came into this planet the same way as everyone else – someone gave birth to you and you battled your way through those vulnerable early years, to be an adult today. You deserve the same as everyone else. Some people are lucky to seem to be holding things together more successfully, but really, that doesn’t matter – and I say that as much for myself to hear as for you! We are each here living our own journeys on this planet.

I’m interested to hear that you don’t think you deserve happiness, love or fun. I’m not sure that those things need moral values placing on them. They just *are* – they are little moments that make the tapestry of life worth living – we don’t earn them, same as we don’t deserve sadness, loneliness or dislike. They are moments linked to emotions and interactions, they spring up of their own accord. 🙂

We all have negative talkers in our heads – I think that some people’s are more vocal than others. But I think, if we hunt for it, most of us have at least a little seed of hope in there too. A little positive voice seeking to be heard. I don’t think that negative and positive thoughts are ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ per se (again placing moral values!) – they just are. Your negative voice might not be *wrong* – although you give it an awful lot of power by saying that – but it might not be the only way to think about yourself.

As for ever getting better… truthfully I suppose no-one is able to answer that for you. You have obviously gone through years of feeling this way and that must be frustrating and tiring. What I do think is hopeful is that you are still searching for ways to overcome this. That seed of hope inside you is still rooted in and refusing to believe that this is it. Maybe it’s time to try encouraging that hope. Maybe try telling that negative talker in your head that actually, it might not really be a true representation of who you are and what you want out of life. And just because you have spent your teenage and early-mid twenties feeling like sh*t, doesn’t mean that that has to be it. You are the master of your own destiny. The pills, counselling, self-help books etc haven’t worked (yet!) but perhaps you weren’t ready to let them. Take a leap of faith in yourself. Dare to believe that you are really ready to rise above this and live the life you want to be living. And you might not immediately have all the answers (I’d like to meet someone who did!), but you might realise that the journey and the uncertainty, and the bumps and twists in the path can be fun in their own way – and yes, sometimes frustrating too!

I wish you all the best 🙂