Thank you for support and time for reading and answering my post. I wonder do I need professional help because it seems like this opened up pandora box inside me. I doubt in my own personality, actually in everything I do and say, I am not sure what is right anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t write this post. What if I am sociopath or psychopath? I am not sure about my own conscience. I don’t want this to be just for relieving my concious. I am sorry for previous post maybe sounds judgmental towards him. I still love him and desire for his presence. Maybe he is trying to find himself, maybe just like I do. What if I made bad influence to his life? I still wonder where we could be if we had met each other in different life circumstances but maybe here my ego is refusing to accept that he don’t want me in his life and he didn’t loved me. I try and will try to make distance from that me. I still don`t know what I want, but I realise now that I didn’t achieved with my husband that level of intimacy and closeness with other human being for which I deeply desire.