First off thanks to each of you for the replies, I’m as open to feedback or critique as ever right now. I have always been my own biggest criticizer so impartial outside input is most welcome.

I think Matt ment he cashed in his 401K savings to fund his education not a 401,000 dollar nest egg.

Haha yea, I meant I cashed in my “retirement” savings, man I wish I had $401,000 in cash! 🙂

I’m no longer in communication with her but I actually sent her a four page letter a few weeks ago. I was trying to stick to no contact after I took both her and her mom’s numbers out of my phone but not too long after the breakup she strangely mailed me all the things I had left at her house in a box (meaningless stuff like razors, shaving cream, soap, etc) – with no note or acknowledgement – it really stirred up a lot of the feelings in me and the best thing I could do was sit down and put those to paper. In our last phone conversation on Halloween she pretty much said what she had to say and hung up on me while I was mid-sentence. I did receive an email response to the letter, which I didn’t see for a few days because I don’t check my email that often, and it literally made me laugh out loud.

It was quickly apparent she took nothing I said to heart and she gave me a half-assed acknowledgement of her hypocrisy without really taking responsibility. She did a lot of selfish things over the course of our relationship and the part of her response where she claimed she had learned so much about being in a relationship from me was just the icing on the cake considering I did most of the compromising in the relationship. I couldn’t really be mad though because a large part of me expected no response at all and the letter had largely been for my own benefit. I just wanted her to read it all without ripping it up first. All of my friends and family had encouraged me that I would be right to be mad at her (there were more than a few instances where she kind of took me for granted or treated me like crap) and to call her and tell her off instead of “letting her off the hook” and calmly sending her a letter but I wanted to try a new approach to things this time.

I choose to be grateful for the time we had together and for the growth the relationship’s end inspired in me. I forgave her for all the things she did that I felt wronged by, admitted to those that I did, and hoped she would forgive me as well. It did, in fact, make me a better person. As someone who has a tendency to hold on to things for a long time – I needed to be able to walk away with no resentments if I truly wanted to move on in a healthy way. I can’t afford to hold on to the anger at her anymore, I will probably always love her in some form, but she’s not worth all that. As much as I have tried, I would be lying if I said being treated the way she has treated me didn’t hurt. You put all this love and energy into someone and then cut you off one day and treat you like you abused them or something. I’m not trying to make myself sound like the perfect guy, a breakup takes two people and there were things I did that contributed to it but I can honestly look back and say I gave it 100% in trying to make it work. I don’t think she can say the same … or even cares that she can’t.

Probably the most important thing I’ve learned from all this is that experiences like this can make you such a stronger version of yourself if you let them. The way the past version of me would have responded to this would have been a lot more toxic and I know I wouldn’t have made anywhere near this amount of progress at this point. I try to acknowledge that as much as I can and accentuate the positive changes and progress I’ve made as a person. Lately it’s those times when I sit down and think about all the things I could have accomplished, the time I invested in her, and it’s like I want them all right away and want to change my situation immediately but there’s only so much I can do for today and that has to be enough.

Anyway I’ve again written more than I thought I would when sitting down but the support and encouragement is appreciated. This is a whole new process for me and I’m still trying to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t but venting here has been a great help.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Matthew.