Thank you all very much for your responses; especially Spidey who has reached out to me several times now.

Unfortunately, I do have more than a few days like in the last post – In which I feel helpless and hopeless and … suicidal.
I’ve always been against medication and refuse to take it (due to bad experience in the past), so things aren’t always easy because that’s one less option. But I want to beat this on my own, knowing a drug isn’t artificially making things seem okay.
CBT is certainly very useful, as well as making time to relax and enjoy myself.
Sometimes, something goes wrong and it just seems to trigger a whole host of previous mishaps and regrets.
But yeah, that job was no big deal. I just felt bad about myself as a person afterwards.

I had a really good weekend in the end.
Part of my problem is that things look the same as they did years ago, externally, because I’ve stayed in the same comfort zone (even though it’s not all that comfortable at times). This weekend, I went to my girlfriend’s parents house in a place called Spalding. I rarely travel far from home and haven’t had a real holiday in years. I was partly dreading this (because I didn’t want to fall into depression – which seems to happen so suddenly, without reason at times – while there), and turned down a few offers to visit previously because of my anxieties, but I ended up having a really good time and it did me good to get away from my room and family – who I’ve been clashing with a lot as of late.

I need more refreshers and adventures like that. I’ve become so used to my surroundings, that everything is uninspiring and, when I’m walking around the same field every day (I love nature), I end up thinking *Well, here I am… Still depressed. Wasn’t I walking this exact same path 5 years ago? Things haven’t got better at all. I’m screwed. Might as well kill myself*… etc (Not all the time, but when I’m done, which is pretty often).

I’ve downloaded a couple of brain training apps on my iPhone because I’ve realised that my brain’s been becoming more of a problem over the years – memory, focus and that… Epigenetics shows that the brain isn’t a constant and changes for better or worse depending on lifestyle. Thinking negatively over the years has shaped my brain negatively. It’s so used to feeling bad about life and seeing things through a gloomy perspective (i.e. Look at those sheep in the field. They’re all destined to be killed horribly in a slaughterhouse, because humans are greedy and evil). I’m training my brain to learn more. I’ve also downloaded an App for anxiety, where you click the happy face (out of 4 faces) as quick as possible. This apparently trains the brain to focus on the positive, and notice it more. Kind of makes sense, and the app was only £1.49. This form of therapy is called CBM (Cognitive Bias Modification) and I hadn’t heard of it before. Some suggest it helps social anxiety.

That’s all I have to say for now, really.
I applied for a few jobs this morning, so I’m going to take it easy and relax this afternoon.
Feeling pretty tired right now.