I think you may be right. I was in denial for a long, long, long time. I obsessively read our correspondence from years past, text messages between us, the love we once shared in some kind of sick and twisted ‘connection’ to him. I couldn’t even move his things out because having them there were a comfort to me. I did, only recently, put his belongings (he left and never took a thing) in boxes and ask a friend to coordinate with him picking them up. I did not have any desire to see him…which i was desperate for not long ago.

Still. The pain. I am so lost and confused and hate that this is my life. Im not sure ill ever recover and find myself, my happiness, my purpose ever again. I gave him so much and thought we were good. thought we had something special…gosh ,we certainly didn’t rush into marriage and the decision to make this global move.

I just want to go back in time and make things right…and that’s the part i fear. That i still have those thoughts. That i can at times get swept up in the idea of not existing without him..because i am so =, so unhappy. it seemingly takes years to detangle yourself emotionally, physically, sexually from a partner, yet since he left, i know he left rather easily and happily and has moved on to his ‘new’ life. I can’t ever imagine meeting anyone and ever trusting, being open to the things i did with him. I worked hard on myself and my fears/trust/self-love before taking the plunge in committing and agreeing to this move. And this is how i’ve been repaid. Maybe it was always going to happen? Maybe he was in a bad place? I will never know, but how do you accept that? Belive in yourself again, believe you’ll love again, trust that someone has something you want/love.

I’m very detached from my family. Always have been and in many ways I’ve been lucky to have fantastic friends who i consider my ‘family’. He too, was my family. As was his family. And now…silence.

We still live in the same town (though I’m desperately trying to get myself back to the country we loved prior – it was a place we both loved but its where my friends and comfort are). It looks increasingly like i need to stay here though before i can leave, to complete the divorce and attempt to ‘fix’ myself.

I am really am tired. I just want to be loved again. this has shaken me to my core and made me feel like i am worthless. And as an outsider looking in…how sad is this? I don’t always want to live because of this. It’s painful. My patens have distanced themselves as they seem to think i need to “get over it”. Like I said, we aren’t close and this kind of reaction is standard.

I am jealous of my wonderful friends so avoid them on email and text. Everyone my age is having children, enjoying family life, living fulfilling and happy lives and I’m bitter and angry and have convince myself ill be alone. I know people care and want to help, but being surrounded by it…reminds me of my loss and the great sadness i am experiencing.

And yet he walks around happy and without a care in the world. Who does this? What kind f human being is like this? did i get him wrong? Did i make the wrong decision? Did i jump in too soon? I can’t cope.