Kate,

I may not be the most credible person to respond to you, as I battle some major ghosts related to going through my own series of disappointments and subsequent emotionally crippling trigger responses for years now afterwards. But, please hear me out ok? I married at 26 and started a life with a woman who, at the time, I thought was a lifetime partner. About 7 years into the marriage, I caught her on the computer with someone that, after six months of knowing there was an issue but her denying it, she finally admitted to an affair. We worked through it and I even accepted her reasoning as why I was partially to blame. Later, we had another child. I started to suspect she was having an affair with my boss at work, though again she denied it. When my second was born, there were possibly questions if she was even mine! Then came a litany of people, phone calls, hang ups, hidden and financially crippling bad behavior, etc. It kept boiling and boiling and finally, it came to a head and I had to leave. This was the hardest thing in the world to do for me, as I loved my children so very much that I was riddled with guilt. I was 40, left with nothing (ex had house, all kids’ stuff, etc) as I did not want to burden my kids with so much stress, and moved into an apartment. (My ex wanted nothing to do with the kids for a while so they stayed with me 7 days a week). I swore that I could never love anyone again. I suffered years (15) of emotional abuse, lies, deception at every level, betrayal, etc. I was at a very low point in my life. Here’s where I want you to listen long and hard to me. I developed cancer 10 months after I moved out. After about 9 months of being alone and swearing off women, I met a lady who I began to date – she’s now my wife. I made all my expectations, trust issues, deep rooted hurt, etc., known to her so that I wouldn’t shock her. I even told her about the deep, dark thoughts I had. Well, a month into dating me she found a nodule on my chest and pushed me to see a doctor. It turned out to be a very aggressive form of cancer that could have killed me had it stayed for even a month more than it did. I look back and think of all the misery that I went through, years of emotional anguish, punishing myself, desperation, stress and adrenaline dumps, and recognize that I allowed myself to bottle it all up and my body turned against me.

I suffer from PTSD from many of the negative events of my life and am prone to massive anxiety now due to the smallest of triggers, and I have found this website and community quite supportive and helpful. The point of my writing is to say that when I went through all of the things I went through and look back, I still, even with the shit that gets crazy and sideways in my head, consider it all a gift of living. You are given a gift now of suffering and hurt. Not just at the superficial level that your husband left (think of living a life of lies – it’s not fun – I did….I wish my ex had just left instead of all the lies and crazy making), but also the much deeper level. You are experiencing life at the rawest, fullest form of emotion. I hate when I feel as down as I do. I wish I had greater lucidity of thought. I wish I was more adept at taking in the negative, processing it, and letting it go. But for the love of the beauty in the world, do not give in to the dark thoughts.

When I was 18 I was heading down a dark road due to my environment. I volunteered at a cancer clinic for kids. I colored with a girl for a few months and one day walked into the parent kitchen and her mom was crying and talking to a staff member. They were making funeral plans for the little girl. She died not too long after that. I realized, at that time, that my life had meaning which transcended me. I made a difference to that girl. We laughed and were goofy and colored, and it was beautiful. It was a gift. It changed my path in life and made me a better man. Your emotions make you beautiful. Your pain makes you beautiful. You are experiencing the uncertainty of life. I am not an expert, and in many ways am similar to you. It is a battle to wake up and start my day sometimes. I’ve had two weeks of anxiety and crying recently over issues that don’t pertain to my present, but assail my mind none the less. But I still see the beauty in the world I live in.

Kate, I fed a hummingbird today with my hands (holding a bird feeder). I don’t think I have to look much further than that to see the beauty in all things. The pain is there and it is reminding you that you are alive. My scars from having my cancer ripped out are horribly ugly and painful. Four years later they still hurt and burn. And I love them, because they remind me that I am alive.

I hope this helps. I apologize if it doesn’t. I don’t respond often to posts, I just don’t want you to hurt. I don’t know you, but as many people on this website, I don’t want you to hurt.

Please be well.