Sunflower – thank you. It’s so confusing for me to hear (or read) people telling me that I demonstrate great strength when I feel the path I am on is one of weakness. My wife tells me this is a journey that is years long in the making. She did cry today because she saw me disappear and was feeling helpless to help me. That, as can be anticipated, made me feel even worse. Your comments about FB are valid, and I should tell you that she not only has her FB account on my phone but also changed the name to include both of us a long, long time ago. The pictures she has as her main photos are of us and my kids. She is very family oriented. I think my self-esteem is so low right now that everything is affecting me. I told a friend of mine today that I needed to rent Sex in the City, buy a tub of ice cream and just have a good cry out. We both agreed that was funny, so at least I can laugh.

I am triggered by a lot right now and I feel a desperation to erase my mind and feel normal. If I meditate I can visualize a happy, peaceful relationship free of this anxiety, but it is fleeting and gets flooded with negativity almost like there is a tangible dark energy in me fighting against the goodness that I am grasping for. It all feels dirty and wrong to be this negative. I have a wonderful family and home, but I feel like I am taking it for granted and not being good to those I love. I know I am not being good to myself either. There’s a part of me that needs to die and be reborn. Whatever genesis there is after that, it must feel better than what I feel now.

I have a meeting with a friend who is an observant Buddhist next week and I hope that this can at least point me towards some inner illumination that I am missing. If there was an off button for my mind, I would be pressing it desperately to stop the flow of negative thoughts and energy I am sure I am putting out to the world. I am extremely grateful to this community for so many stories and words of encouragement. I am ashamed of this time in my life and hope to leave it behind me soon enough. I look forward to much much better things to come, hopefully.

With deep and humble appreciation,
Matt

Hi and thank you for your response. It’s amazing to me the rawness and openness people have on this website. Maybe it’s the anonymous nature that helps people bear their wounds for all to see. Ironic – here we are talking about social media causing us such pain and at the same time it is that same medium being used to heal. I hadn’t thought of that before ……

You relate to me and I appreciate that. There is this hurt and wounded child in me that rages at the pain. I do insult myself and am derisive about my weaknesses. I haven’t been able to temper them lately. Today is the first day in several I haven’t started my routine in the morning by crying. Again you’d be amazed knowing my line of work compared to the mental anguish I have. I told my wife about this website and read her my posts last night to help her understand what’s going on. Like always she listened and provided insight and didn’t judge. This morning she came home from work and I felt the anxiety begin to build. I need constant reassurances from someone who’s done nothing to harm me. It’s so weird it almost has to be chemical. I think my adrenaline dump when I caught my ex in the first affair was so extreme that my brain dumps the same chemicals and makes me feel the same as I did at that moment many years ago whenever there is an emotional trigger. I don’t understand the mechanism of my mind. I know I am intelligent and can read people very well. However I get completely mixed up reading anything to do with my own love life because my mind is deceptive to me. How messed up is that?

At work I’ve had so many people – complete strangers – tell me in these horrible situations that I contact them – that I reached them, moved them – made them feel and think about things they have put away in their minds – and that they appreciate me seeing and speaking to them like they are genuine people worthy of love. I do believe that people as a rule deserve to be loved. So why the hell can’t I believe that about myself? I know I’m a good man who believes in doing the right thing even if no one is watching me. Then why do I punish myself and allow these fears and weaknesses and mental battles to continue? It’s like having hooks in my brain dragging me back all the time. It does feel like I can’t handle it anymore. Yet here I continue to walk and move and exist. And I know love is all around me. My kids, my wife, my family. They love me. But the heaviness in my heart doesn’t go away quickly when I’m set in this PTSD feeling of despair. I feel for all the people like this. It’s a horrible way to be. It’s these moments when I crave the feeling of sunshine on my face. The radiant warmth of something so much bigger than us. I crave peace.

I should also add that she keeps in touch with distant family and friends across the country this way. I would not want to ask her to stop doing that either.

Hi K. It does feel like a panic attack. Ironically, for work I deal with things that scare most people and have almost no fear facing those situations. You’d think that I could survive this emotional onslaught with flying colors. But the mind is so much stronger than the body. I believe you are probably right about Facebook. I have signed on to it maybe 4 times since she installed it on my phone. I signed on to come to terms with it when I noticed this one person more than other making comments. That shouldn’t mean anything but it was a sledgehammer of a trigger that crushed me, almost immediately, yesterday when I signed on and thought that the two of them were on at the same time. Again, there’s nothing beyond that, only the fear and flashback of catching my ex on fb years ago in the midst of her first (I think) of numerous affairs. I want to accept that it’s part of life and culture and that there are good things it brings to our society. But, you are right that at the moment, the nature of my going on there has become twisted. You sound like my former (retired now) therapist. We did a lot of inner child work. My early life was unpleasant and filled with anxiety and challenges. Your advise is all good. Thank you….

For now, I am dealing with anxiety coming home, seeing my wife. She is actually a trigger now too. And in my mind I keep saying to myself that she has done nothing wrong. But I, like you, am possibly pushing to prevent myself being hurt. I would be so very hurt if the relationship were to end. I cannot imagine that happening. But here I am chiseling away at it.

This irrationality of my mind is so frustrating.