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Matt R

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  • in reply to: when does the pain of separation disappear…im desperate #71663
    Matt R
    Participant

    Kate,

    I may not be the most credible person to respond to you, as I battle some major ghosts related to going through my own series of disappointments and subsequent emotionally crippling trigger responses for years now afterwards. But, please hear me out ok? I married at 26 and started a life with a woman who, at the time, I thought was a lifetime partner. About 7 years into the marriage, I caught her on the computer with someone that, after six months of knowing there was an issue but her denying it, she finally admitted to an affair. We worked through it and I even accepted her reasoning as why I was partially to blame. Later, we had another child. I started to suspect she was having an affair with my boss at work, though again she denied it. When my second was born, there were possibly questions if she was even mine! Then came a litany of people, phone calls, hang ups, hidden and financially crippling bad behavior, etc. It kept boiling and boiling and finally, it came to a head and I had to leave. This was the hardest thing in the world to do for me, as I loved my children so very much that I was riddled with guilt. I was 40, left with nothing (ex had house, all kids’ stuff, etc) as I did not want to burden my kids with so much stress, and moved into an apartment. (My ex wanted nothing to do with the kids for a while so they stayed with me 7 days a week). I swore that I could never love anyone again. I suffered years (15) of emotional abuse, lies, deception at every level, betrayal, etc. I was at a very low point in my life. Here’s where I want you to listen long and hard to me. I developed cancer 10 months after I moved out. After about 9 months of being alone and swearing off women, I met a lady who I began to date – she’s now my wife. I made all my expectations, trust issues, deep rooted hurt, etc., known to her so that I wouldn’t shock her. I even told her about the deep, dark thoughts I had. Well, a month into dating me she found a nodule on my chest and pushed me to see a doctor. It turned out to be a very aggressive form of cancer that could have killed me had it stayed for even a month more than it did. I look back and think of all the misery that I went through, years of emotional anguish, punishing myself, desperation, stress and adrenaline dumps, and recognize that I allowed myself to bottle it all up and my body turned against me.

    I suffer from PTSD from many of the negative events of my life and am prone to massive anxiety now due to the smallest of triggers, and I have found this website and community quite supportive and helpful. The point of my writing is to say that when I went through all of the things I went through and look back, I still, even with the shit that gets crazy and sideways in my head, consider it all a gift of living. You are given a gift now of suffering and hurt. Not just at the superficial level that your husband left (think of living a life of lies – it’s not fun – I did….I wish my ex had just left instead of all the lies and crazy making), but also the much deeper level. You are experiencing life at the rawest, fullest form of emotion. I hate when I feel as down as I do. I wish I had greater lucidity of thought. I wish I was more adept at taking in the negative, processing it, and letting it go. But for the love of the beauty in the world, do not give in to the dark thoughts.

    When I was 18 I was heading down a dark road due to my environment. I volunteered at a cancer clinic for kids. I colored with a girl for a few months and one day walked into the parent kitchen and her mom was crying and talking to a staff member. They were making funeral plans for the little girl. She died not too long after that. I realized, at that time, that my life had meaning which transcended me. I made a difference to that girl. We laughed and were goofy and colored, and it was beautiful. It was a gift. It changed my path in life and made me a better man. Your emotions make you beautiful. Your pain makes you beautiful. You are experiencing the uncertainty of life. I am not an expert, and in many ways am similar to you. It is a battle to wake up and start my day sometimes. I’ve had two weeks of anxiety and crying recently over issues that don’t pertain to my present, but assail my mind none the less. But I still see the beauty in the world I live in.

    Kate, I fed a hummingbird today with my hands (holding a bird feeder). I don’t think I have to look much further than that to see the beauty in all things. The pain is there and it is reminding you that you are alive. My scars from having my cancer ripped out are horribly ugly and painful. Four years later they still hurt and burn. And I love them, because they remind me that I am alive.

    I hope this helps. I apologize if it doesn’t. I don’t respond often to posts, I just don’t want you to hurt. I don’t know you, but as many people on this website, I don’t want you to hurt.

    Please be well.

    Matt R
    Participant

    Hi Sunflower,

    I am able to force myself to work and muscle through the day ok. I actually broke down again last night because I was just thinking of how upset I’ve been – which made me upset. Today I feel much lighter. My wife sat with me and I wrote two pages worth of things I love and wish for in my life. Somehow that lightened my burden and I’ve had the first easy day in two weeks. When I’m deep in my funk I cannot fake it at home or away from work. I fall apart. I’m hoping I feel better for a long time now. It’s been hard but the writing and this forum have been therapeutic. I want to control this before anything else triggers me again. My wife was worried that I was thinking about hurting myself but that will never be the case. I’ve too much to live for and too much to love. It’s a weird weird thing the power these emotions have over one’s spirit.

    Thank you

    Matt R
    Participant

    Sunflower – thank you. It’s so confusing for me to hear (or read) people telling me that I demonstrate great strength when I feel the path I am on is one of weakness. My wife tells me this is a journey that is years long in the making. She did cry today because she saw me disappear and was feeling helpless to help me. That, as can be anticipated, made me feel even worse. Your comments about FB are valid, and I should tell you that she not only has her FB account on my phone but also changed the name to include both of us a long, long time ago. The pictures she has as her main photos are of us and my kids. She is very family oriented. I think my self-esteem is so low right now that everything is affecting me. I told a friend of mine today that I needed to rent Sex in the City, buy a tub of ice cream and just have a good cry out. We both agreed that was funny, so at least I can laugh.

    I am triggered by a lot right now and I feel a desperation to erase my mind and feel normal. If I meditate I can visualize a happy, peaceful relationship free of this anxiety, but it is fleeting and gets flooded with negativity almost like there is a tangible dark energy in me fighting against the goodness that I am grasping for. It all feels dirty and wrong to be this negative. I have a wonderful family and home, but I feel like I am taking it for granted and not being good to those I love. I know I am not being good to myself either. There’s a part of me that needs to die and be reborn. Whatever genesis there is after that, it must feel better than what I feel now.

    I have a meeting with a friend who is an observant Buddhist next week and I hope that this can at least point me towards some inner illumination that I am missing. If there was an off button for my mind, I would be pressing it desperately to stop the flow of negative thoughts and energy I am sure I am putting out to the world. I am extremely grateful to this community for so many stories and words of encouragement. I am ashamed of this time in my life and hope to leave it behind me soon enough. I look forward to much much better things to come, hopefully.

    With deep and humble appreciation,
    Matt

    Matt R
    Participant

    Hi Jodi. I’m aware of the control issue, which is why I would never ask her to be off FB or even to defriend someone under minimal circumstances. I think I even wrote that. But you are correct about my low self esteem and self worth. I recall when, as I was struggling to deal with my ex wife’s affair and her associated lies, she told me that seeing me cry was a turn off. That didn’t do much for my self esteem. My wife now accepts all of who I am and I love her for that. I know this is a journey I need to make without her affirmation. Her support is amazing but the discoveries have to be made on my own. I’ve worked on my self esteem a long time.

    Matt

    Matt R
    Participant

    Hi and thank you for your response. It’s amazing to me the rawness and openness people have on this website. Maybe it’s the anonymous nature that helps people bear their wounds for all to see. Ironic – here we are talking about social media causing us such pain and at the same time it is that same medium being used to heal. I hadn’t thought of that before ……

    You relate to me and I appreciate that. There is this hurt and wounded child in me that rages at the pain. I do insult myself and am derisive about my weaknesses. I haven’t been able to temper them lately. Today is the first day in several I haven’t started my routine in the morning by crying. Again you’d be amazed knowing my line of work compared to the mental anguish I have. I told my wife about this website and read her my posts last night to help her understand what’s going on. Like always she listened and provided insight and didn’t judge. This morning she came home from work and I felt the anxiety begin to build. I need constant reassurances from someone who’s done nothing to harm me. It’s so weird it almost has to be chemical. I think my adrenaline dump when I caught my ex in the first affair was so extreme that my brain dumps the same chemicals and makes me feel the same as I did at that moment many years ago whenever there is an emotional trigger. I don’t understand the mechanism of my mind. I know I am intelligent and can read people very well. However I get completely mixed up reading anything to do with my own love life because my mind is deceptive to me. How messed up is that?

    At work I’ve had so many people – complete strangers – tell me in these horrible situations that I contact them – that I reached them, moved them – made them feel and think about things they have put away in their minds – and that they appreciate me seeing and speaking to them like they are genuine people worthy of love. I do believe that people as a rule deserve to be loved. So why the hell can’t I believe that about myself? I know I’m a good man who believes in doing the right thing even if no one is watching me. Then why do I punish myself and allow these fears and weaknesses and mental battles to continue? It’s like having hooks in my brain dragging me back all the time. It does feel like I can’t handle it anymore. Yet here I continue to walk and move and exist. And I know love is all around me. My kids, my wife, my family. They love me. But the heaviness in my heart doesn’t go away quickly when I’m set in this PTSD feeling of despair. I feel for all the people like this. It’s a horrible way to be. It’s these moments when I crave the feeling of sunshine on my face. The radiant warmth of something so much bigger than us. I crave peace.

    Matt R
    Participant

    Hi and thank you for your response. It’s been another long day where I bottled up my emotions and started crying the second I got in my car to leave work. Thank you for your encouragement though I don’t feel I’ve made progress. This behavior has gone on for years though Facebook is the trigger du jour and it is a horrible one. I do not want to try and control my wife as that will diminish our relationship. I just want to feel better. There seems to be a boundless amount of grief pouring out of me and I can’t help but think it’s fear of losing my wife. That just seems pathetic to me. I don’t want to be lied to or made a fool. I feel white hot rage in me and I just want the emotions gone. When I’m like this all joy leaves me and I feel dead inside. There’s so much darkness in me I don’t know if I can focus on the good things around me. Thank you for your insight and thoughts though. I will try, as you make salient points. Matt

    Matt R
    Participant

    I should also add that she keeps in touch with distant family and friends across the country this way. I would not want to ask her to stop doing that either.

    Matt R
    Participant

    I appreciate the candor in both of your responses. I do not want to be controlling. My wife last night offered to delete the person who was bothering me from her “friends” area. She clarified that she has never privately chatted with him, etc and their correspondence is simply by commenting in an occasional post. Based on that and a need to trust, I told her not to take him off, as I didn’t want her to voluntarily or involuntarily feed my monster. She’s actively involved in spiritual, scientific, home improvement groups on Facebook and asking her to remove that from her life is not an option for me, as it is a part of her I cherish. Yes, this is a horrible trigger, but I know it’s me that has to be at peace here. It sucks being aware of my own deeply flawed way of thinking but not being able to manage it effectively. I started off the day again, crying and stuck in that same damn feedback loop of what ifs.

    Matt

    Matt R
    Participant

    Hi K. It does feel like a panic attack. Ironically, for work I deal with things that scare most people and have almost no fear facing those situations. You’d think that I could survive this emotional onslaught with flying colors. But the mind is so much stronger than the body. I believe you are probably right about Facebook. I have signed on to it maybe 4 times since she installed it on my phone. I signed on to come to terms with it when I noticed this one person more than other making comments. That shouldn’t mean anything but it was a sledgehammer of a trigger that crushed me, almost immediately, yesterday when I signed on and thought that the two of them were on at the same time. Again, there’s nothing beyond that, only the fear and flashback of catching my ex on fb years ago in the midst of her first (I think) of numerous affairs. I want to accept that it’s part of life and culture and that there are good things it brings to our society. But, you are right that at the moment, the nature of my going on there has become twisted. You sound like my former (retired now) therapist. We did a lot of inner child work. My early life was unpleasant and filled with anxiety and challenges. Your advise is all good. Thank you….

    For now, I am dealing with anxiety coming home, seeing my wife. She is actually a trigger now too. And in my mind I keep saying to myself that she has done nothing wrong. But I, like you, am possibly pushing to prevent myself being hurt. I would be so very hurt if the relationship were to end. I cannot imagine that happening. But here I am chiseling away at it.

    This irrationality of my mind is so frustrating.

    Matt R
    Participant

    Thank you Kyniska. My wife is indeed a supportive partner, and for that I am blessed. I don’t want to be overdependent on her to help me with this, as that, too would be unhealthy. This is a journey I have to make on my own, but it is a remarkably strong and painful process. I do like your comparison of PTSD to a physical injury and I had not really though of that before. I have always been against medication – for personal fears that it will change me and professionally they can affect my work. I do journal but get annoyed with myself when I write too much. I can meditate sometimes, which helps. For me, the worst part is if I meditate on it, I can actually FEEL what it is to be in a fully trusting, open and caring relationship and it FEELS wonderfully liberating. My wife is already there with me, but I cannot join her as easily. I am still so fearful of being hurt, betrayed, the subject of an unspoken joke. It’s amazing – I think there’s a whole mass of people on the planet that are probably very nice, but very wounded. We all respond so differently to hurt. I built this amazing wall to keep out those invisible arrows to my soul. As soon as I started tearing it down to open myself up to my wife, the old enemies were still at the gate shooting arrows. Healing is a difficult process.

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