Hello dear Lapedrazza,

I’m sorry that you are going through this my dear, and that you feel broken right now. Your story reminds me so much of my worst dating experience. I apologize in advance for rambling and possibly going into a lot of detail. I don’t want you to feel alone. If sharing my experience helps you, then I’m happy to give a lot of detail.

My broken heart story still fills me with shame. I dated an old friend I hadn’t seen for years after we reconnected at a concert. We met up again and he immediately asked me out and started pursuing me. I couldn’t believe that he liked me! Early on we talked about our expectations for the relationship and he said he wanted to take things slow and I agreed. We went on a couple dates and I thought things were going fine. I did think it was strange that he told me not to hold his hand in public and that we never went on group dates or hung out with his friends. It was just me and him, and usually at his place. When we had dates close to the time I got off from work, he would offer to pick me up, but he would never pick me up in front of my work. He would tell me to walk a couple blocks away to meet him. In the beginning we were always in touch but soon he became distant: not returning texts, not having ‘real’ meaningful conversations any more (in the beginning we seemed to talk about everything). He was fine with physical contact and making out and had no boundaries there, but I just couldn’t figure out what was going on in his mind and he wasn’t willing to tell me. I asked him straight out what was happening in our relationship and he said everything was fine but he freaked out when I used the word ‘relationship’. I was upset by his reaction, but I just pushed down my feelings and concerns.

Then he became downright rude- correcting me rudely when we were in public, pretending to fall off his couch so he could get away from me when we were at his place kissing, offering me a drink from his pop can when we shared a meal and then purposefully drinking from the opposite the side I drank from, not offering to pick me up for our dates when he knew I didn’t drive (and he had always picked me up before), ignoring me when I saw him in public (we share a circle of common friends), offering others he knew a ride home if we ever left a public place together so that people would know there was nothing special about him driving me home- I could go on forever. After five months of these games, I finally ended things with him over a phone call. And you know what he did? He pretended he was upset and sad, and surprised: it was my fault that I felt this way. He bold-faced lied to me and said he had told me he only wanted a very casual relationship, that he wasn’t ready for one and that he had told me this. Then he said we were so compatible. He said things might have worked out between us if he didn’t have a career. He said he hadn’t had a girlfriend for 8 years (on our first date he shared how he had a bad break up from his girlfriend the year before we reconnected). He also asked me what he had done wrong. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I felt blind-sided. Was I going crazy? Had I misinterpreted him? After I told him he had hurt me and asked to meet him to talk in person (yes, after all that I still met up with him to talk to him- but it get’s worse) he made us meet at a packed coffee shop and practically stared at me like I had two heads the whole time I tried to stutter and stammer my feelings. He told me he would like to stay in touch in case one of us ever wanted to ask what went wrong in the relationship. He never said he wanted to be friends, he never said he wanted to get back together. Here’s the ‘it gets worse’ part: these silly coffee meetings continued for a year after our break-up. He would send sporadic texts that I usually had to follow up. When we met he was cold and quiet, repeating the same empty, guarded conversations. I think as long as I was playing nice by his rules, he reached out to me. The last time I saw him among friends in a public place I was polite but didn’t go out of my way to talk to him or sit with him as I normally would. It’s been months now since we last spoke and that’s fine. It took nearly 2 years before I could say I’m okay with not having him in my life. I still feel hurt and angry with him sometimes. And angry with myself.

How did I miss all the signs? Pretty stupid of me, right? I must seem crazy for putting myself through his games, and staying for more each time he proved my feelings didn’t matter to him. When I look back I am convinced I was dealing with a narcissist,or a psycho, or a very manipulative person at the very least. Someone who also happened to be too cowardly to tell me the truth about his changing feelings or just walk away and leave me.

My healing is ongoing. I went to counselling- for more than a year. I was dealing with the death of a dear loved one when all this drama was going on, and we started exploring other areas of my life and my grief. I like to tell myself that I wouldn’t have let myself be treated like that if I had been in a better frame of mind and not grieving. But this was my first relationship. I wanted him to like me so bad- I was even willing to be mistreated. In counselling I heard many things that I didn’t like to hear. The most integral part to my healing has been facing these things I don’t like to hear, and meditation (two things I have never liked doing). I also tell myself affirmations-small or big truths about myself that I’m working on accepting.

Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I speak up for myself? I suffer from people pleasing. I thought that my ex/non-relationship partner was the manipulative one, but people-pleasers act and think in ways they think will make others like them. This wasn’t honest of me. I wanted him to accept me because it would mean that I mattered. When other people liked me, I felt good. When other people didn’t like me, I felt terrible. The greatest gifts I have given myself are: saying no, and to stop editing the real me into a version I think will be more acceptable. I am learning to love myself. accept my short comings and face fears. I can’t choose the things that happen to me, but I can choose how I react. My people pleasing comes from a place of fear. I don’t have to live in fear.

During counselling we talked about what that relationship meant for me. I wanted him to like me because that would mean that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that I wasn’t going to end up alone. I’m afraid to be by myself because I think this means I’m not worthy of love if people choose not to be with me. But I can’t control other people. I can’t control how they act, I can’t make them love me, I can’t make them stay, all I can do is love them. The longest relationship I’ll have is with myself. It’s not my parents or siblings, or best friends. People come and go. Some stay for a long time, some stay briefly. I’m the only one who I have to live with day in and day out- I’m the one I have to be accountable to. I shouldn’t give up on others and the hope of happy relationships but I should learn how to be true to myself and kind to myself. Being unkind to myself leads to being unkind and impatient with others.

All those signs I missed (feeling sick, feeling upset) were my ex’s way, and the universe’s way, of letting me know that the relationship was not healthy. I just chose not to listen and kept hurting myself. Love is not going to be perfect but love shouldn’t hurt. You shouldn’t have to be someone’s secret love. Someone who truly cares about you will be proud to show you off and be proud to be seen with you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t continue to do things that hurt you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t ask you to give 100% of yourself when they are only giving you much less. When you keep ignoring signs and your intuition, the universe will keep finding ways to remind you until you’re finally forced to slow down and listen.

Finally I had to forgive him and accept that although I did things that were wrong, I didn’t deserve to be hurt. I am worthy of love. I actually feel sorry for him. He may be a very sick person. Some days I still think of him with pain and anger- but it gets less all the time.

I’m so glad that you are going to counselling Lapedrazza. I think you should also indulge in self-love. Re-discover your passions and loves and the things that make your heart sing. Face your fears, accept the things that you don’t like about yourself and practice letting go. Know what your fears and passions are, and get to know who you are so that next time you are faced with a bad relationship or challenge, you can respond with calmness and patience, and focus to think clearly and trust that you will make a choice that is good for yourself and the other person. You deserve to experience real love- your mind, body, and soul deserve 100% of your love and commitment 100% of the time.

Reading ‘Fear’ by Thich Nhat Hanh has been a wonderful guide for me on my own self-love journey. Keep searching: read, write, think, trust in time and devote time to healing. You will heal from this and the pain will grow less and pass one day, I promise!

My best wishes to you in your journey to healing from this pain-

AM