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A tough time accepting a break-up.

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  • #72293
    Elenap87
    Participant

    I am writing here as I need to get my pain out and loud, and seek some help from the supportive community.I had a tyring on and off intense relationship for 7 months and the guy has broken it off 3 weeks ago saying we cannot work together. Because he was in a relationship when we met, we would never be accepted in our circle of friends and social life as a couple, he has always felt ashamed of walking the street with me, despite loving me a lot. This issue that kept coming and going for the whole time, plus his doubts in leaving the safe nest he was used to, really worked me up, and from a self-confident optimistic positive woman, I have gradually become a moody, crying depressed person – as the pain of not being able to be together despite adoring each other was too much. After several tries we finally looked like we were kicking off. After a good time together and after 3 weeks of constant love declarations and sweetness from far away (he went home for Xmas), he came back from Australia and left me. He left me because he said in truth, he always had doubts and realised he is not in love, and our thing wasn’t leading anywhere.

    The guy has now also stopped liking who I have become. During the last week together when he was back, I also had issues at work that have not helped a great deal with my mood. The guy has now started seeing someone else (after just 2 weeks!) – not connected to his past, with no expectations and easy. Yesterday we met up to talk and it was a complete disaster. Not only we are very much attracted to each other still – we kissed and slept together, but he blamed on me because he is not been ‘faithful’ to this new person. Plus we fought and I became very mean, manipulative etc, to hurt him, to show him how much he has hurt me, looking for a reaction or some feelings left. I couldn’t let him go. We had an awful time in which he was worried I would just ruin his new life. And then morning came, we parted ways, and here I am trying to find an advice on how to stop thinking about what has happened.

    He has begged me to try and be friends a few days before last night, which is now not really an option. I am heading for NC, though, despite all the drama, I know would be very difficult to respect. I will try hard but I don’t see it easy. I just cannot accept he put the relationship with me on shelf so easily and started a new life as if nothing happened.

    I am seeing a therapist, because I don’t seem to be able to cope with many things lately, and I am feeling too low to continue like this. I am not sure it will work but at least I am trying.

    Anyone has been hit very hard by a negative, harmful person, who despite everything they cannot easily let go of? How did you cope with it?

    #72294
    Nikolias Cheda
    Participant

    Hello,

    Thank you for your honest and heartfelt question.

    When I was a freshman in high school, I thought I had met the love of my life. We spent practically every day together for four years. Over time, It became the kind of relationship where we had the same friend group, did the same activities, went on vacations with our family together, and simply coexisted in harmony.

    As time went by, I discovered that he had been cheating a year and a half into our relationship. I still stayed with him for another year and a half. That time was full of self-destructive behaviors, manipulation, vengeance, and cheating on my part to get back at him.

    Looking back, after his unfaithfulness, I saw that we were no longer truly in love, we were just staying with each other out of convenience. The time I put into the relationship was so intense, that I preferred to stay with him while deteriorating instead of letting go something I worked so hard for.

    Our relationship ended on October 25th, 2013: my 18th birthday. He left me for one of his hookups that left him shortly after. I was no one without him, or so I thought. I had spent so much time with him that I did not have my own identity. My mindset at the time was so pessimistic and destroyed that it led me to attempt suicide. I was unsuccessful due to the intervention of my mother, but that was my rock bottom.

    I left the country for the next three months. I traveled to South America and found myself through the journey. By being away from the situation, I was able to not only remove my ex from my life, but to also be away from the individuals who knew and were involved that caused my stress. I began the process of recovery.

    It is not going to be easy, it hurts to be left by someone who you thought loved you. But no one who truly loves you would harm and disrespect you like your partner did. A partnership is about growth; encouraging each other to be the best individuals you can be. So while you may still know his number by heart 6 months after talking to him, cut him off, let him be. People come into and out of your life for a reason: they either help you grow as a person, or harm you and teach you a lesson, which will better prepare you for life in the future by familiarizing you with that kind of situation.

    My best advice? do you. Find things that you love, do hobbies you have always found interesting and enjoy. The pain in your heart may seem like a fatal wound at the moment, but in ten, twenty, sixty years you’ll look back and laugh. Heartbreak makes you grow as a person, how you choose to view and grow from the situation is completely up to you.

    Stay strong!

    ~Niko

    #72297
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hello,

    I read your story and felt very sorry for the situation you are going through. I really want to help you to get back your self confidence and positive attitude.

    Just a few tips which may help you to overcome the situation which you are currently going through.

    1. Make new friends. Meeting new people will make your mood lighter and helps to forget the sadness.

    2. Do things which makes you feel positive.

    3. Try to get a new job where you can keep yourself busy.

    You are a strong woman. You will definitely overcome this situation. As they say “This too shall pass”, its just a passing phase.

    Be positive and it will help you.

    Take care.

    Ashley

    #72337
    Elenap87
    Participant

    Thank you Niko for your kind words. I have actually read a lot of good things in your message, which resonate with my head and heart. It is not easy, it is such a difficult moment. In the last months I really got close to the guy and bonded, we were very much ostracized by friends and almost got to live everything together, we came to coexist. I really miss him, and I know I will. But I also realise how bad and unfair was his treatment in my regards at the end. So I feel pulled by forgiveness/loss feeling and anger that clash inside me. I know the best for now is to just keep distant and heal. I don’t want to be friends with him, even though I know I will miss his presence in my life.

    Ashley, thanks for the advice. I am actually working to get a new job, which hopefully would also make me go away for a while allowing me to make new experiences and make new friends. I know I am strong, I just need to find myself again I guess.

    I really appreciate your answers.

    Elena

    #72342
    Helen
    Participant

    My lovely Lapedrezza

    Reading your story, I could find similarities to some of my experiences.
    Sometimes people touch us deeply, and even though they turn us into a sad and depressed person, instead of being confident and happy, we don’t want to let go of them. We think “If I just show him this side to my personality, this fun part of me, this lovely thing I do etc. he will eventually feel the same for me.” He wont. I am sorry to tell yout his, but he will never choose you.

    From what you say, he has now cheated on two women with you. So both times, you were the other woman. But you deserve to be his one true love, no? You deserve to come first, right? If you let him use you like that, in his mind he knows that when he feels lonely or has sexual needs, he can always have you. If that’s what you want, go for it. But I hear a lot of pain in your words. You have to distance yourself from him, focus on yourself. He is harmful to your heart and soul and he – again – did not even choose you when you and him were free.

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Think about that statement. You deserve more.

    I wish you all the best.

    xx
    Helen

    #72354
    smit
    Participant

    Dear lapedrezza,

    M sorry to hear what happened with you. What Nikolai said is absolutely right.

    U should kick that man out of ur life. He is a cheat and has been using u for his personal pleasure. The words of love and sweetness from him was a big FAKE coz no one behaves so cruelly with a loved one. He was coward enough to manipulate u and sleep with u and coward enough to blame it on u, plus he had a gut to say that he is ashamed of u!!

    Such kind of behaviour can only be expected from a d*ckhead and/or jackass..

    So let him go to hell. You enjoy ur life and be a positive and optimistic person u used to be. It would be painful and hurting, but y will move on, and will definitely find a person who will really love u.

    Best wishes
    Smit

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by smit.
    #72364
    DW2BIPA
    Participant

    @lapedrazza:
    I think that its a great idea NOT to be friends with him. In order to heal you need to let go and not have any reminders of him because it will only bring you more pain. I don’t speak to the guy who broke my heart. I got rid of everything that reminds me of him because it helps me heal. I can say that I am in a better place (5 months since the break-up after being together for 4 years). I still have a lot of let going to do but I can safely say that I am slowly becoming me again. I understand your pain wholeheartedly. He doesn’t deserve you and you will be happy again. Time will heal everything.

    #72400
    Aloma
    Participant

    Hello dear Lapedrazza,

    I’m sorry that you are going through this my dear, and that you feel broken right now. Your story reminds me so much of my worst dating experience. I apologize in advance for rambling and possibly going into a lot of detail. I don’t want you to feel alone. If sharing my experience helps you, then I’m happy to give a lot of detail.

    My broken heart story still fills me with shame. I dated an old friend I hadn’t seen for years after we reconnected at a concert. We met up again and he immediately asked me out and started pursuing me. I couldn’t believe that he liked me! Early on we talked about our expectations for the relationship and he said he wanted to take things slow and I agreed. We went on a couple dates and I thought things were going fine. I did think it was strange that he told me not to hold his hand in public and that we never went on group dates or hung out with his friends. It was just me and him, and usually at his place. When we had dates close to the time I got off from work, he would offer to pick me up, but he would never pick me up in front of my work. He would tell me to walk a couple blocks away to meet him. In the beginning we were always in touch but soon he became distant: not returning texts, not having ‘real’ meaningful conversations any more (in the beginning we seemed to talk about everything). He was fine with physical contact and making out and had no boundaries there, but I just couldn’t figure out what was going on in his mind and he wasn’t willing to tell me. I asked him straight out what was happening in our relationship and he said everything was fine but he freaked out when I used the word ‘relationship’. I was upset by his reaction, but I just pushed down my feelings and concerns.

    Then he became downright rude- correcting me rudely when we were in public, pretending to fall off his couch so he could get away from me when we were at his place kissing, offering me a drink from his pop can when we shared a meal and then purposefully drinking from the opposite the side I drank from, not offering to pick me up for our dates when he knew I didn’t drive (and he had always picked me up before), ignoring me when I saw him in public (we share a circle of common friends), offering others he knew a ride home if we ever left a public place together so that people would know there was nothing special about him driving me home- I could go on forever. After five months of these games, I finally ended things with him over a phone call. And you know what he did? He pretended he was upset and sad, and surprised: it was my fault that I felt this way. He bold-faced lied to me and said he had told me he only wanted a very casual relationship, that he wasn’t ready for one and that he had told me this. Then he said we were so compatible. He said things might have worked out between us if he didn’t have a career. He said he hadn’t had a girlfriend for 8 years (on our first date he shared how he had a bad break up from his girlfriend the year before we reconnected). He also asked me what he had done wrong. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I felt blind-sided. Was I going crazy? Had I misinterpreted him? After I told him he had hurt me and asked to meet him to talk in person (yes, after all that I still met up with him to talk to him- but it get’s worse) he made us meet at a packed coffee shop and practically stared at me like I had two heads the whole time I tried to stutter and stammer my feelings. He told me he would like to stay in touch in case one of us ever wanted to ask what went wrong in the relationship. He never said he wanted to be friends, he never said he wanted to get back together. Here’s the ‘it gets worse’ part: these silly coffee meetings continued for a year after our break-up. He would send sporadic texts that I usually had to follow up. When we met he was cold and quiet, repeating the same empty, guarded conversations. I think as long as I was playing nice by his rules, he reached out to me. The last time I saw him among friends in a public place I was polite but didn’t go out of my way to talk to him or sit with him as I normally would. It’s been months now since we last spoke and that’s fine. It took nearly 2 years before I could say I’m okay with not having him in my life. I still feel hurt and angry with him sometimes. And angry with myself.

    How did I miss all the signs? Pretty stupid of me, right? I must seem crazy for putting myself through his games, and staying for more each time he proved my feelings didn’t matter to him. When I look back I am convinced I was dealing with a narcissist,or a psycho, or a very manipulative person at the very least. Someone who also happened to be too cowardly to tell me the truth about his changing feelings or just walk away and leave me.

    My healing is ongoing. I went to counselling- for more than a year. I was dealing with the death of a dear loved one when all this drama was going on, and we started exploring other areas of my life and my grief. I like to tell myself that I wouldn’t have let myself be treated like that if I had been in a better frame of mind and not grieving. But this was my first relationship. I wanted him to like me so bad- I was even willing to be mistreated. In counselling I heard many things that I didn’t like to hear. The most integral part to my healing has been facing these things I don’t like to hear, and meditation (two things I have never liked doing). I also tell myself affirmations-small or big truths about myself that I’m working on accepting.

    Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I speak up for myself? I suffer from people pleasing. I thought that my ex/non-relationship partner was the manipulative one, but people-pleasers act and think in ways they think will make others like them. This wasn’t honest of me. I wanted him to accept me because it would mean that I mattered. When other people liked me, I felt good. When other people didn’t like me, I felt terrible. The greatest gifts I have given myself are: saying no, and to stop editing the real me into a version I think will be more acceptable. I am learning to love myself. accept my short comings and face fears. I can’t choose the things that happen to me, but I can choose how I react. My people pleasing comes from a place of fear. I don’t have to live in fear.

    During counselling we talked about what that relationship meant for me. I wanted him to like me because that would mean that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that I wasn’t going to end up alone. I’m afraid to be by myself because I think this means I’m not worthy of love if people choose not to be with me. But I can’t control other people. I can’t control how they act, I can’t make them love me, I can’t make them stay, all I can do is love them. The longest relationship I’ll have is with myself. It’s not my parents or siblings, or best friends. People come and go. Some stay for a long time, some stay briefly. I’m the only one who I have to live with day in and day out- I’m the one I have to be accountable to. I shouldn’t give up on others and the hope of happy relationships but I should learn how to be true to myself and kind to myself. Being unkind to myself leads to being unkind and impatient with others.

    All those signs I missed (feeling sick, feeling upset) were my ex’s way, and the universe’s way, of letting me know that the relationship was not healthy. I just chose not to listen and kept hurting myself. Love is not going to be perfect but love shouldn’t hurt. You shouldn’t have to be someone’s secret love. Someone who truly cares about you will be proud to show you off and be proud to be seen with you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t continue to do things that hurt you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t ask you to give 100% of yourself when they are only giving you much less. When you keep ignoring signs and your intuition, the universe will keep finding ways to remind you until you’re finally forced to slow down and listen.

    Finally I had to forgive him and accept that although I did things that were wrong, I didn’t deserve to be hurt. I am worthy of love. I actually feel sorry for him. He may be a very sick person. Some days I still think of him with pain and anger- but it gets less all the time.

    I’m so glad that you are going to counselling Lapedrazza. I think you should also indulge in self-love. Re-discover your passions and loves and the things that make your heart sing. Face your fears, accept the things that you don’t like about yourself and practice letting go. Know what your fears and passions are, and get to know who you are so that next time you are faced with a bad relationship or challenge, you can respond with calmness and patience, and focus to think clearly and trust that you will make a choice that is good for yourself and the other person. You deserve to experience real love- your mind, body, and soul deserve 100% of your love and commitment 100% of the time.

    Reading ‘Fear’ by Thich Nhat Hanh has been a wonderful guide for me on my own self-love journey. Keep searching: read, write, think, trust in time and devote time to healing. You will heal from this and the pain will grow less and pass one day, I promise!

    My best wishes to you in your journey to healing from this pain-

    AM

    #72401
    Elenap87
    Participant

    Thanks AM for this heartfelt account of what happened to you. I can see there are many common points, I can see that you have encountered that jerk we all get close to once and that you also went through hell, but then out again.

    I can see probably my decision to keep going despite all the negative things that happened to me through the relationship has probably partially to deal with the way I see myself, and the thirst to be loved and cared for by someone. To know I deserved to be loved, I am a good person and can be special to someone. In fact now I have difficulties in accepting that he just went off with someone else, as if nothing had happened, as if I simply died from one day to the other, or he never met me, he never lived with me, he never used my shoulder to cry or take out all of his problems. Just gone. I should have known because that is what he did to his ex girlfriend of 5 years when he met me…but I believed in a way, I was special and we were an item.

    I know I will get through it, slowly. Today is not a particularly good day, but I am sure I will get through it, because I have to, there is no other option. I cannot let this thing condition all my life, all my dreams all that I have fought so hard for. Though I realize it’s not easy. I try to find inspiration in things, but sometimes my mind runs into something (a song, a joke, whatever) that I know me and him would have loved sharing with each other, and I start remembering the good times, and my healing mechanism seem to jam. I need a lot of energy to keep hating him, to keep seeing that he was only a problematic jerk, that gets so attached to people in so little time, but can also get so unattached in a second.

    Thanks for you advice, and many others’ one.

    #72481
    Sean
    Participant

    I need help I have never felt this way ever I know people say that all the time. But when I was a little kid I learned how to build up a wall so no one could hurt me emotionally or physicaly my dad use to best me and thing like that so I learned to never get attached. Well this girl came into my life last year I went to California to see my friend I was out there a month and the entire time I was there I talked to her Skyped and everything well when I got back home we continued go talk and when christmas came around she came home from college and we hungout almost the entire time she was home. I started to like her but I tried to push my feelings away cause I told myself along time ago that I wouldn’t get feelings for anyone. I didn’t want to hurt again well we continued to talk everyday she was just like me played hockey we have the same beliefs on things she was perfect and we spent the entire summer hanging out and doing things. I would go to her work and see her she would come
    Over after work almost everyday we would sleep and cuddle all the time but i was still distant cause I was so scared and I told her that and she said she understood. Then came
    Time for Her to go back to school which is couple hours away and we still talked. And she wanted to make us official and I was stil scared to let her all the way in I was afraid I would become my father and do what he did to my
    Mom so I said why can’t we continue what we are doing and I guess she felt like I didn’t like her or care about her but that’s not true. She never once told me this then one weekend I went up there to see her we hungout the entire time and did everything and I loved her I was just scared to tell her. Then I csme hkme
    Then on Halloween she wouldn’t answer my calls or anything and I was worried well she ended up telling me she was taking to another guy because he made her feel like he cared and I lost it I cried so hard on the phone to her I told her how much I loved her and how she is the best thing in my life but she told me it was to late and I hurt her to many times. But she said she would try and give me a second chance so everyday I would call her and tell her how much I missed her and how much I loved her. Then one day she told me she was with him and had been for 2 months so she lied to me
    About giving me a second chance and I’m heart broken I cant focus at school or at hockey practice I lose it I get into fights. I cry myself to sleep I can’t eat I try and focus on working out and getting in shape but it doesn’t help cause we would work out together and all I think about is her. I still tell her I love her I can’t help it I want her back so bad and when she gets into relationships they usually last a long time when we first started to talk she just got out of a 6 year one I feel like she can’t be alone and doesn’t like it thats why she is alesys getting into them right after one. I call her and txt her still I see her posts on Facebook with her new boyfriend and she looks so happy happier then she was with me but I don’t know I feel lost and empty without her I asked her if we could date after she breaks up with him and she said Maybe I know I shouldn’t wait but I love her so much and Im afraid that she will be with him for ever and mayhe marry him but it’s been 4 months and it still hurts so bad I can’t get over Her I thought I would never love and she taught me how to I guess it was to late but I feel like it can’t be. What should I do i need help sorry for the ramble but I can’t take it I’m sick of crying

    #72482
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi M,

    Your story reminds me a lot about myself in that I have also spent years building up walls only to discover that it’s a prison. Then one day, one woman managed to break in despite all odds and she suddenly held the key to my happiness. Like you things didn’t work out for me and I also subjected myself to similar humiliations but now that I am in the other side of it, let me share a few things I’ve learned.

    1) The more you beg her, the less she will feel attracted to you because it comes across as needy and desperate. So don’t wait for her to break up with her bf. In fact go no contact if you can and delete her from Facebook.

    2) Even though you two are no longer together, she gave you a wonderful gift in the form of letting you know that you can love. Think of it this way, just because your car broke down it doesn’t take away your capacity to drive.

    3) Women that always need to be in a relationship is a major red flag because it indicates that they can’t stand being alone. The more you feed this, the worst it becomes until one day you realise that no matter what you say or do for this person, it’s not enough and they moved on to someone else in order to get that feeling if falling in love again.

    There’s a lot of great advice here about getting over a heart break. The key is to take this as a lesson and learn to open your heart not just to romantic relationships but all kinds of relationships in your life. When you let more people in, you will become less fixated on just one person. This is important if you want to move forward to having healthy loving relationships.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Yue.
    #72800
    Caitlin Michelle
    Participant

    You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and is proud to have you, I have been in a very similar situation, I was feeling mistreated so I ended the relationship, a few weeks later I went to Europe. While I was in Europe I found out that he was dating a girl that i knew, and had asked him about several times – he had assured me that there was nothing between them.

    For you it is best that you’re free from the relationship and soon you’ll be able to break free of the thought of him. If he dated a girl 2 weeks after the breakup, he was most likely seeing her while seeing you – that’s so awful but it reflects badly on him. You’re the person who will grow from this relationship while he continues to build toxic, doomed relationships.

    All you can do is cut negative people out of your life, it’s hard at first but long term it’s for the best.

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