Dear Danielle,

I almost felt like i was writing this question down. A while ago, i was searching for the same answers after a night of fighting with my bf. I eventually felt i was perhaps being unreasonable and too emotional. It dawned on me that perhaps with the changing situations, my expectations had evolved but i was still holding on to past hurt quite a bit. Now here’s the thing – its okay to have expectations but they need to be reasonable ones. Otherwise, i doubt any of us would ever trust anyone if we didnt expect some reciprocation from them. I think when you feel bad about him not acting in a certain way, sometimes you need to subtly put it across that you kinda wished it was done that way instead. Never make him feel like its his fault totally because that really makes things difficult to tackle. Communicate openly and when you feel you have to manage your inner self, i think the best way to remember the times he did get it right, the times he was there for you and was patient with you.

For example,

i am eagerly keen on seeing my bf on 5th after quite a while and every day he cancels, till the time its 9th – i am irritated because i have to shift my plans cuz i am expecting him. So i tell him that i understand why you are shifting the dates – you have good reasons (actually he did) and i know you are trying, you have done so before, so its okay. Its a little irritating to leave me hanging every day because i have to cancel other plans to make time for you. I understand you cant help it but do try to be more on spot the next time or perhaps not let me know until you are super sure. I am not upset, just a bit irritated and mad cuz i wanted to see you soon.

Frankly speaking, i cant do the whole release expectations thing – i do try it but i dont have fool-proof execution. I do try to be more understanding though – what you mentioned, empathy for them but again its about balance. What i cant tolerate though is people cancelling and never letting me know they did – i find that incredibly rude and inconveniencing. So you see, its about having baseline expectations rather than none at all.

I dont expect them to turn up 100% of the time – even i change plans for whatever reasons, some of my friends have this habit of changing at the last minute, being on the phone when i meet them and its really annoying. Here’s the thing – i skillfully divert their attention or just let it go. No point noticing every small point for too long – it tends to magnify the thing but i do make it clear when the baseline hasnt been fulfilled.

Its not that expectations ruin things – its just we need to keep them at a level that is required beyond reasonable doubt.

– Moongirl