Hi Sunfl0wer,

Your situation sounds very much like one I dealt with with my partner’s father. His Dad abandoned him, his sister and his mother at a young age, married and had another family that he later abandoned as well. For the entirety of my partner’s life, his dad has been absent, abusive and incredibly cruel. When we first got together, his father got drunk and verbally attacked ME in a hugely inappropriate, sexually demeaning way. It was all downhill from there. Dad leveled blinding bouts of narcissistic rage while everyone in the family cowered and tried their best to appease him. All I wanted was for my partner to stand up a little bit and set some boundaries for the good of everyone involved but he couldn’t do that. I believe he was not only enmeshed in the fantasy of his father one day being a rational, loving human being but I also think he was suffering from some serious PTSD and, at the time, literally did not have the emotional or mental resources of self to do anything about any of it. That was about two years ago now and things have gotten better but it has been a LONG, slow uphill slog.

That said, I get what you’re going through. It’s gut-wrenching to be faced with having to leave someone because of the way they relate to their past and an overall lack of healthy boundaries. All you can really do is continue to care for yourself and, if the dysfunction is really getting so bad that it’s affecting you personally, it MAY be time to leave. If you’ve made it clear to your partner that his past and present with this woman is damaging your mental and emotional health and he still cannot set boundaries with her, then you need to do what’s right for you, whatever that may be. Rest assured that I know how painful this can be. Please keep us updated.

All the best,

Ashley