@onewish, @funsized, @Strawberry and @pink24, thank you sooo much. You have no idea how much your notes of support and hope are helping me. I am still in a fog, still feeling that this is a bit surreal, still feeling sad, still hoping (although that hope is now less than 5%) that this isn’t the end of our relationship. One moment I can focus on other things in my life (work is all consuming unfortunately) one moment I can listen to a nice song and sing along and smile and a short time later I come back to earth and it hits me, I will probably never see him again. I have lost someone who I love so much and invested so much of myself in. One moment I feel like I did all I could, I gave him a chance to step up and hold my hand and together we could face any difficulty. Another moment I question if I could have done more, compromised more, shown him that I was even more flexible. Should I have avoided having that conversation that ended it through email and instead showed up at his place so that we could really put our thoughts and feelings vulnerably out there and save our love? Did I do all I can to hold on to our love? If there’s anything I can be accused of it’s being to empathetic. Should I have been more demanding instead of understanding? Should I have been more impulsive and spontaneous without caring that I would appear needy? Should I have been more street smart? Do guys hold on to a woman more if she is more distant and elusive?
I wonder if he asks himself these questions? He told me that he loved being with me, the talks we had, the incredible intimacy we shared. Is he now questioning what happened, or is he already moving on, already looking for the next relationship with a girl whose cultural background doesn’t add any stress to his cultural identity issues?
I know there’s nothing I can do now except ride that rollercoaster of emotions and stay hopeful that this will pass. It is still very scary. I want someone who is open-minded and can see beyond all that stuff, but I also want someone who is strong, someone with whom I have deep emotional and physical chemistry and it scares me that I may be asking for too much, looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. You all know that in many cultures, the emphasis is on finding someone who is “good”, treats you well, etc, because relationship/ marriage is hard work and what’s important at the end of the day is that you’re with someone who meets some level of good character. But what if there is no passion? I know I know, what step at time, get through the pain of the break-up first and then see what happens….