Dear peachy

It seems you are hurting alot and yοu say you are deeply confused. I can tell by your large sentences and the absence of full stop punctuation.
Yet you desire for a change. And this is really important peachy. You are gratefull for your children and you love them, you care for their proper growing up and are willing to take precautions about their health.

At this point i should congratulate you for your efforts despite being in an abusive enviroment.

I think the only things that matter right now are: your personal hapiness and your childrens happiness. Do not worry about your ex husband. Your kids need most of all a healthy enviroment to grow up that is why it is necessary for you to be genuinely calm so you will project to them a sense of security. Anything toxic in your enviroment should be curtailed and driven out with small steps-steps that you are able to take without losing your temper.

Still you experience confusion. If you want to understand how to handle your situation and perhaps its causes -it seems to be bothering you- maybe some sort of guidance is needed. Is there someone healthy that you trust and he/she will be able to support you in these difficult times you are going through?

Be at Peace, Have Hope
George