I was hesitant as to whether update this post but thought it may help someone else who is going through a similar situation.

I finally started to accept I had to try and “let go” and that I would probably never obtain answers to the many questions I had regarding what went wrong in our relationship and what part of this was my responsibility. Last week I was finally told by a close friend that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me , at least once, but probably a lot more. One of the girls he even invited on a weekend away together as a group before the end of last year. I have been trying to deal with a wave of mixed emotions: anger, humiliation, sadness, but, the feeling that has risen above all of this is one of relief. Why relief? During the 4 years of our relationship, but particularly in the final 2 years, my ex-boyfriend spent most of the time reminding me I was a jealous and mistrusting girl and he was the victim of my “paranoia”- he could do nothing. The relief comes to me now, as I know, at least in some small part, I am not “completely” as he described me.

However, this “relief” also worries me somewhat. Is this once again my need for external validation of my instincts and my feelings? Is this self-doubt and insecurity what probably drew him to me, kept me in a relationship that I knew “deep down” was not right for anyone let alone me, and ultimately has me still wondering , how much of my mistrust/jealousy was a natural response to his behaviour towards me and how much was , as he described, a product of my natural psychological make-up?

Was my hesitancy to write this update because I fear I am incapable of trusting my own ability to self-validate my feelings and beliefs?