@nonamenoname, to be blunt in the kindest of ways. The time has come for you to reach out to a professional. I do not say this because you have done something wrong, but quite the opposite. You have asked for help. You recognize that you are not living to your potential. As difficult for you, you are hurting those who care about you. I suggest a professional because well-meaning friends and family will often say what you want to hear. They want you happy, in the same way a parent gives a child candy when they are upset. Their pain and fear prevents them from seeing you, and hearing you.

A trained counsellor will walk beside you, but they are better equipped to speak gently and truthfully. They have tools and knowledge that you need. It is their job to share it with you. If you practice a faith, the leaders in an organized faith will often have training and experience as well. This is helpful if you are without means or insurance.

This is my last point. I say this because the stigma is so powerful that most will not. Ellish is spot on. Right now, put the phone number of the mental health crisis team or your local crisis line on your fridge and in your phone. If you are not at home, write it on your wrist in ink if you have to. Label it what you will, “HeatherB” or “Ellish” or “Drycleaning”… If your pain gets to the point that you EVER seriously consider self harm, call that number and talk. If you need to, head into the ER. View the help line phone number in the same way that a person with a food allergy respects an epipen. It is your first aid and it will keep you alive long enough to get help.

Wishing you the courage to take the next step and seek counselling. It is much less lonely when the person listening to your pain can look in your eyes. It is easier to hide from yourself behind a keyboard, and you deserve more.