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I Can't Live with Myself Any More

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  • #75320
    Name
    Participant

    I am so lonely. I feel no love. Not even from myself. In fact, I despise myself. Every time I talk to someone I feel like I’m insulting them. I feel like I hurt everyone around me. It would be better if I wasn’t even alive. What is it that makes us want to live? And what is it that makes us want others to live?

    I have no one. Not even myself. I’m broken. What do you do with broken things? You throw them out. I feel selfish just being alive. I should just end it now.

    The world is limitless. I can’t live in such a place.

    All I do is come up with philosophies because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of not knowing. These philosophies are just making me insane.

    I’m slowly killing myself. I haven’t been eating, nor sleeping. I just wish there was an easier way out. I mean, since we are already going to die, what’s wrong with death coming early?

    Just knowing that there are people out there who live in fear and loneliness makes me accept death more comfortably.

    I care about people, but I don’t care about myself. How could anyone like me if I don’t even like myself? That is why I change myself. I change myself so that I can feel more comfortable with myself. But all that it has done is make me forget who I am. I don’t even know who I am any more, or what. But yet, I self pity. I’m pathetic. A disgrace to mankind.

    Everyone around me looks so lonely and sad. It bothers me. It really makes me feel even more lonely.

    I’m so desperate. I hate admitting that. I’m here sharing my deep thoughts to strangers. But yet I can’t even talk to someone I know. Maybe it’s just that I don’t trust anyone, or no one trusts me.

    I feel so selfish, all this topic has been about is me. I blame myself for everything. I pity myself. I despise myself. I never wanted to be here. I can’t live with myself any more.

    I am so lonely.

    #75322
    Ed
    Participant

    hi @nonamenoname

    did something traumatic happen recently? or is this just something you have felt for a while now just because?

    I remember feeling exactly as you described one year ago when my then girlfriend and I broke up. It was a complete blind sided breakup and I was in a very depressive state for some time.

    If this is the cause of something that recently happened in your life, just know that it does and will get better. you just have to give it time and continue pushing through.

    If this is something that is chronic and you have just felt like this for a long time, you may want to think about getting professional help. I did last year and I can honestly say it was very eye opening and extremely worthwhile.

    #75326
    Shelby
    Participant

    Life can be brutal for sure and I know how you feel. But it’s beautiful and there are so many incredible things in this world to see. I’m right there with you. I’ve been dealing with these feelings too. Don’t give up!!! Take deep breaths and feel that you’re alive. Look at the sky and stars. Take a walk.
    Talking to a professional will help. They are trained to give you the tools you need to deal with these intense feelings. I’m seeking help now and already feeling better in that decision.
    I know you feel lonely but you are not alone. I went online to talk to strangers for the same reason you did.
    We are all together in this struggle. I don’t know you but I’m here to tell you it’s gonna be ok!

    #75327
    mamie
    Participant

    We all go through the times of despair and hopelessness in our life but believe me this worst time will pass very quickly and good things are surely gonna happen. Try to think about people who are happy, positive and love their life don’t think about people who are negative, afraid and unhappy. In his phase, seeking professional help is the best thing if you don’t want to talk with any one. Your loneliness will not stay forever and you’ll definitely find someone who will love you with the core of their heart. All you need to do is start thinking positively about yourself and life.

    #75337
    Name
    Participant

    I’m afraid to talk to someone. I feel pathetic if I talk to someone. It’s so much easier over the internet because it is anonymous. I feel less judged.
    If I talk to a friend, I feel like I am weak and pathetic. I would feel as if I am burdening with my troubles, causing more troubles.
    If I talk to a professional, I feel like I will be deceived and manipulated. To take a perspective that I am unsure of.
    I am really troubled, and my closest friend isn’t very close. I don’t have much for a family either.
    Having a best friend seems to be, at the same time, both good and bad.
    Good that I have someone to trust and talk to.
    Bad that I appear pathetic in front of this person I trust.

    Back to the closest friend that I have. Well, he’s a great friend, but I don’t feel as I am a great friend. I try. But I don’t feel like I succeed. I don’t feel any better.

    #75341
    Obsidian Zero
    Participant

    I admire your courage in asking for help. Don’t think that it’s not. Some people wouldn’t be able to ask for help like you just did, so that’s a step in the right direction. It seems that you are viewing your life as if the moon is obscured by clouds; it’s a dark filter over something that is truly beautiful, so you can’t see it. I assure you that it’s there, and I have been through a similar situation. It’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to be lonely. You’re not a bad person if you’re afraid to ask for help or afraid of being judged; that’s only human nature. Your concerns are natural and appropriate. If you see a man who is sick, do you blame him for being sick? Of course not. You are sick, dear friend, and having been through a similar situation I can tell you that sometimes you must ask for help. I was stuck at the bottom of a dark pit without a ladder, and I couldn’t climb out on my own. If you have that dark filter over your eyes, those clouds obscuring the moon so it’s impossible to see, you need external help to remove it.

    When I went to therapy, I was worried. I didn’t want to sit and talk about “feelings.” I didn’t want someone to tell me to just think positive and that I should stop being self destructive. I didn’t want to be judged. It wasn’t like that at all. I had all of these false expectations of what it would be like just because I was scared. Therapy saved my life, and that’s where I learned so many important skills that I still use to manage my mind. Friend, you need somebody to place the ladder in the pit. Please don’t be ashamed of that. I needed help too, and many other people needed help, and it’s so worth it. I know it’s scary, but I want to challenge you to take that step. Do it, try it out for even just a month. If you don’t like it or don’t think it’s helping, you can stop. But you’ll never know until you try.

    I know how hard it is to hear and understand when people are trying to tell you how much they love you. It’s one of the hardest things in the world. Accept that there are clouds over the moon right now, and you must clear them away before you can truly see. It’s unfair to yourself to try to judge yourself right now when your vision isn’t clear.

    #75343
    Martina Weiss
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear that! What has happened to you that you feel so bad about yourself and your life? How come you are so sad? It is totally ok to pity yourself. Stop blaming yourself for anything. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are a winner. You are a winner since you came to this world. Life is supposed to be something beautiful, something joyful. Don’t give up. You can turn things around, ONLY YOU. Take responsibility. And make a change. Let me know if you want to talk anonymously. We can stay strangers. I’m happy to help. Just don’t give up on yourself.

    Sending you much love and a virtual hug!

    #75357
    Ellish
    Participant

    @nonamenoname , your post was just heartbreaking to read. It sounds like you are in the throes of some serious depression, which, as some of the other posters have said, is not your fault!

    Something important to remember is that often, in our heads, we assume our thoughts are the truth, when in reality, our tjoughts are just our interpretations of the world. For example, you think you’re not a good best friend and assume your thoughts are the truth, but your friend may think the total opposite. You think you are selfish, but you also said, despite all the pain you’re in, you care about others and you try to be a good friend. That’s the opposite of selfish in most people’s books!

    I also encourage you to pursue therapy if you have the means. Therapists help you examine and challenge your assumptions about yourself and the world (like what I discussed above) so you can avoid catastrophizing and think more rationally. When we’re in the pit of despair in our minds, we train our thought processes to be negative, so even somewhat positive experiences seem bittersweet (ie your friendship example). Therapy helps retrain your thought patterns so the good can shine through, and so you can be realistic about the bad.

    Keep fighting, and keep reaching out! You are needed and you CAN find a way out of this pain if you continue sharing and connecting with others. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you feel suicidal, call a crisis line and chat – they deal with these emotions daily: 1-800-273-8255

    #75409
    Heather
    Participant

    @nonamenoname, to be blunt in the kindest of ways. The time has come for you to reach out to a professional. I do not say this because you have done something wrong, but quite the opposite. You have asked for help. You recognize that you are not living to your potential. As difficult for you, you are hurting those who care about you. I suggest a professional because well-meaning friends and family will often say what you want to hear. They want you happy, in the same way a parent gives a child candy when they are upset. Their pain and fear prevents them from seeing you, and hearing you.

    A trained counsellor will walk beside you, but they are better equipped to speak gently and truthfully. They have tools and knowledge that you need. It is their job to share it with you. If you practice a faith, the leaders in an organized faith will often have training and experience as well. This is helpful if you are without means or insurance.

    This is my last point. I say this because the stigma is so powerful that most will not. Ellish is spot on. Right now, put the phone number of the mental health crisis team or your local crisis line on your fridge and in your phone. If you are not at home, write it on your wrist in ink if you have to. Label it what you will, “HeatherB” or “Ellish” or “Drycleaning”… If your pain gets to the point that you EVER seriously consider self harm, call that number and talk. If you need to, head into the ER. View the help line phone number in the same way that a person with a food allergy respects an epipen. It is your first aid and it will keep you alive long enough to get help.

    Wishing you the courage to take the next step and seek counselling. It is much less lonely when the person listening to your pain can look in your eyes. It is easier to hide from yourself behind a keyboard, and you deserve more.

    #75411
    Julie
    Participant

    I agree with everyone above. It is time to get professional help. I felt just like you do, I was calling in sick to work and asking my professors for an extension on homework deadlines. I finally realized I had to do more when it started affecting my relationships. My psychiatrist is a very nice woman who does not make me feel bad about myself or manipulate me. I am not sure why you think you will be deceived by a professional but that has not been my experience at all. I did decide that the one on one meetings with the therapist were not helpful FOR ME but my psychiatrist kept working with me and I am feeling much better these days.
    Also, friends want you to confide in them. That’s what friends do.
    You’ve got to do something and since you already feel like life is not worth living, what is the harm in trying something different? Fake it until you make it!!

    #75440
    Name
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. Your wisdom has given me new perspectives and ideas. Hopefully I can soon get better.

    #75472
    sophrosyne
    Participant

    Dear @nonamenoname,
    Wherever you are, from me to you.
    Awards; typewritten confessionals on pretty certificate pape

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by sophrosyne.
    #75478
    sophrosyne
    Participant

    Dear @nonamenoname,
    Wherever you are, from me to you.

    This is a drawing I made entitled Path of Her.

    path of her

    #75509
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi nonamenoname,

    Either something happened recently to trigger the feelings or they have been there due an event that happened a while back !

    Anyway, what matters now is that you know that you are NOT alone and you are NOT broken !!

    Here is the link to an article that should help you: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

    I am also including a link below to one of my fav songs.

    I pray your angels guide you forward.

    GOD Bless !

    #75715
    Name
    Participant

    To this day, I can not help myself. I try. Maybe not hard enough. But I have given up. I will never be full.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)

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