Martina is a Self-Love Coach for women who want to free themselves from expectations and judgments and start living life on their own terms. She believes that learning self-love and self-acceptance is the only way to become the best versions of ourselves and thus, live a happy, fulfilling, authentic lives. Visit coachingwithmartina.com or connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.
Forum Replies Created
May 6, 2015 at 9:33 am #76241
Check elephantjournal.com and mindbodygreeen.com. Great sites, too!May 6, 2015 at 9:22 am #76239
Kyniska, how come you feel you can only forgive yourself after you apologize to him? Do you first need to know what he thinks about you and the mistakes you made? What if you call him, apologize and he continues blaming you for what you did? Will you then be able to forgive yourself at all?
You can’t make your ability to forgive dependent on others. Don’t do that. You can’t control what others think of you, that’s not in your own hands. I know you want him to forgive you badly and I get that. However, don’t wait for that.
You know what? I learned one thing and I hope this kind of helps you as well: Everyone does the best he/she can at any single moment with the resources available. This means, even when you made those mistakes, and no matter which ones, you did the best you could in that moment. And so did he.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. This is the only thing you can control and influence. Don’t hope for his validation or approval or love. Give it to yourself. And forgive yourself. I know you can do it.
Best, MartinaMay 6, 2015 at 8:51 am #76236
jealousy, resentment, rejection, bitterness, anger, aloneness – these are all symptoms that you don’t feel good and worthy enough. And you even said yourself that you don’t like yourself lately. And I’m really sorry for that.
Honestly, I don’t know so much what to tell you. I’ve been in that situation where I felt awful about myself, but I never experienced a death of a parent. Only one thing: If you want someone who’s just there and holds you space to express your emotions, I’d be happy to offer this to you. I know we don’t know each other, however, maybe this also has it’s good sides. Let me know what you think and send me an email at email@example.com.
Warmly, MartinaMay 6, 2015 at 8:38 am #76235
I so much know where you are coming from, Rose Tattoo. I was in a very, very similar situation – I thought I never will be able to have a normal, well-functioning relationship. Also, I used to be extremely jealous. Whenever my boyfriend would go out without me I made up the craziest images in my mind where he starts to talk, then dance, then kiss with another girl. Every single time those images would drive me mad. I thought that I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough for someone to be faithful or to love me. I just couldn’t understand that this was possible. So I really get you. Last year I decided that something has to change. I quickly realized that the source of my problem was that I didn’t love myself the way I was which was the reason for why I thought I wasn’t lovable.
Feeling lovable has to start with you. No one in this world can give you the love you need, except you. You need to learn to see your self-worth and to fully accept yourself with all your flaws and imperfections. Once you do this, you won’t be dependent on other people’s love toward you anymore, you’ll feel good about yourself, you’ll believe in your potential and lovability. And like this, your jealousy will disappear. This is at least how things worked out for me.
If you want, we can have a small chat or so, if not, that’s also ok, just wanted to offer you my help.
One thing I know for sure. You are worthy. You are lovable. You only have to see and recognize this fact.
Warmly, MartinaMay 6, 2015 at 8:21 am #76230
I would also like to ask you if you are happy in your job. Is this what you always wanted to do? Does it fulfill you? Do you work in that job because it makes you happy? Or do you rather work in it because someone else wants you to do this job?
Your body is clearly giving you signs. Drinking some shakes are not the solution to the problem. There is something not going very well inside of you and you need to figure out why. Take those signs serious. They are not just here. They want to tell you something.
You are responsible for your own life and your well-being. So don’t waste your health or your physical strength or mental well-being. YOu deserve to be the best version of yourself!
Best, MartinaApril 17, 2015 at 8:05 am #75468
I’m really sorry for what you have been through. It sounds terrifying, all of it, even though I don’t have a child yet.
I also see where Will comes from. If you want to move on, you have to stop trying to control what you can’t control. I understand you are hurt by what she has done. I understand you are hurt by her ex-boyfriends she had after you. But as long as you hold on to this pain and blame them for whatever they’ve done, you wont be able to move on. You cannot control what she is doing. You cannot change the way she is seeing things. But what you can do is to learn to deal with YOUR pain. YOUR mistakes you might have made.
Understand this: Every person is trying to behave the best he/she can in any moment with the resources available.
Even if it was her intention to hurt you by her actions (which I doubt in most of the cases you described) she did it because she didn’t know how else to behave. In your perspective she has done a lot of mistakes, but how do things look like from her perspective? How does your interpretation and meaning you gave to certain situations differ from hers?
I wish that all of the people involved, especially you and your boy, will find peace internally and externally.April 17, 2015 at 7:43 am #75467
You have the answers inside of you and you expressed some of them in your post above. So go for it. Do what makes you happy. Don’t do what doesn’t inspire you just because you’re expected to do so. It is your life. You only have one. So go out there and create the life you dream of.
What brings you joy? What are you good at? What do you dream of doing? Imagine you wake up one morning and everything is the way you wish it to be – how does it look like?
It sounds like you want to change the world. I was told in your age that I won’t be able to do so. I’m now a few years older and I know I can change the world – and I will.
It also sounds like you are a born entrepreneur. Go for it. Create something that doesn’t exist yet. Change the world.
Have you aver heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? Do it – it helped me a lot to understand myself and it inspired me to follow what I’m supposed to do in this world. Check it out here (website itself is not really inspiring;): http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
All the best for your future. You have everything it takes.April 17, 2015 at 7:35 am #75466
Forgive yourself for having lost temper, heal2014. Understand that at any moment you were (and are) trying your best to behave the right way. I’m sure you’ve done your best. So forgive yourself. Such things happen.
See what you can learn out of this situation and move on.
Also, forgive her. She had her reasons why she behaved the way she did. I’m not saying that you were that reason, no. There was something inside of her she could’t deal with, something that aroused her, something that might have made her feel bad about herself, or inferior. Whatever the reason for her hostility might have been, she tried the best she could and at that moment she couldn’t do any better.
Don’t take her behavior personal at all. This doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Forgive yourself, and forgive her. See what you can do better next time and move on.April 17, 2015 at 7:27 am #75465
check out The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is absolutely inspiring and lovely written. Also any titles of Brené Brown I recommend.
Enjoy!April 16, 2015 at 3:57 am #75410
Getting straight A’s is not really important. It seems like you only feel good enough about yourself when you are as good as your classmates, but that isn’t the truth. Probably, you are afraid of not getting the approval and love from the people around you (parents, friends, etc.) which is why you are beating yourself up so much of not getting straight A’s. It breaks my heart. You probably believe that only if you get those straight A’s you are worthy and good enough.
Let me tell you something. You are good enough just by being you. There is no need to learn more or perform better for you to be more worthy. Our society puts a lot of meaning in working hard, and being the best in school, however, what this does with its individuals is them to believe, that they are nothing without it. This is the major reason today for those horrendous numbers of people with depression and anxiety. Because they were told in their childhood and adolescence that they are not good enough or loved if they don’t fulfill certain expectations. I know this might sound strange to you right now and overwhelm you. However, please see, that you are amazing the way you are without performing well.
I know what I’m talking about. In high school, I was the one with the worst grades. And I ask myself the same question you ask yourself now: “What is wrong with me?”. Now I know the following: Nothing is wrong with me. It just was really hard for me to learn things by heart and just reproduce facts. At university it turned out that I’m someone who needs to produce, to philosophize, to discuss, to create. We all are different. Systems like society and school try to make us fit into one box, it’s clear that there are some people who don’t fit in and never will.
The most important thing in life is this: Finding out who you are without all those voices around you, figuring out what makes you happy and brings you joy (which is at the same time what you’ll be great in) and creating the life you love. On that way, you won’t get everyone’s approval for your decisions, but this is your life. So live it the way you feel is right.
All the best for you!April 16, 2015 at 3:41 am #75408
It seems like you are doubting your capabilities and yourself pretty much! From what I can see, you also feel very bad about yourself when you are making a mistake, you blame yourself for it for days. Quitting your job in your first position was your choice, because you were afraid you weren’t enough for this job anymore, were you? So, in order to not be confronted even more with failure and the feeling of being inadequate, you quit. Am I right or wrong? Tell me, what do you think about yourself? Would you like you, if you met yourself? What is it that you are rejecting and/or neglecting about yourself?
It seems to me that your employer(s) really liked you and were happy with you and your work and only you are the one who thinks so bad about yourself… So tell me, what are you afraid of? Of exposing what a big failure you are in reality? Or something else?
Making mistakes is normal. Without them we wouldn’t be able to learn and grow. They are necessary. So how come you punish yourself for making them? What makes you feeling so hostile toward yourself? You are awesome. You are capable. You are a winner. By understanding that and changing your view on mistakes and failure, you’ll learn how to deal with your fear.
Let me know if I can help.April 15, 2015 at 11:01 am #75364
Yes, littlebean724, these voices around us most of the times are louder than our own. I know how this is. Last year I spent one year in Southeast Asia, away from society, it’s values and expectations. This was when I realized that I have my own voice and that only this one knows what fulfills me (and not necessarily others). This is ok. Just figure out who you are and what makes you happy. And: Fall in love with yourself again!April 15, 2015 at 9:04 am #75349
it seems like you gave this man and woman the power to judge over you and your self-worth. You allowed the woman’s feedback to touch your heart, your soul. It seems like in their (mental) presence you aren’t able to define your own self-worth. That’s ok. It’s actually normal. Unfortunately. However, you can change that. Find out what hit you, what hurt you in your relationship to them. How did they give you the feeling that you are inadequate? There is an opportunity for change. To love yourself the way you are, no matter what they say.April 15, 2015 at 8:57 am #75348
Emmett, no one can tell you what to do. Why don’t you find out what your motivation of you missing V is? Is there a way to contact her? There wouldn’t be anything odd about contacting her after four years (if you haven’t been in touch in that time). What stops you from approaching her? Is it fear? Don’t allow fear to get in your way. Acknowledge that it is there and do it anyway. I believe the only way to figure out what is really going on is to get in touch with her, maybe share with her what is going on inside of you. You might think now ” Oh, if I do that she must think I’m a loser or a weak or that I don’t know what I want.” Yeah, that’s the inner critic, your fear again, trying to protect you from being rejected or similar. But you know what? Against all those assumptions of what is bad or weak, I tell you this: Showing vulnerability, showing who you really are is THE expression of inner strength. Because at this point, you stop pretending to b someone who you are not. Because you show to the outside what moves you. Because you stop pleasing others and let your fear control you. SO go for it. contact her and see what happens.
All the best!April 15, 2015 at 8:46 am #75346
cigarettes, alcohol, weed – these are all substances that help you NUMB your anxieties. However, they will not help you to get rid of them. Even more so, they will help you undermine your emotions and once you stop with it, your fears will come up even stronger. I know that it was easier to deal with those fears with those drugs, but they are not a solution.
I agree with MichelleZ. What is it that you want to do in your life? You were given the chance to create the life you always wanted to, so what is your vision? What brings you joy? What are you good in? What makes you happy? Are you happy with who you are? Do you believe you are worthy and deserve love and affection? If not, this is where your problem lies in. You don’t believe in yourself. This is the first thing you have to address.
Let me tell you one thing: No matter how bad you feel about yourself or no matter how much you believe you are a loser, a failure, a waste of time, you are not. You are good enough the way you are and you deserve to be loved and cared about. So start to take care of yourself. Only you can make a change. Only you can take responsibility over your life. When you go partying and numb yourself, it is your responsibility. When you have the job of your dreams, with the partner of your dreams, kids, whatever it is that fulfills you, it is your responsibility.
You are so young. It is amazing that you are so much aware of your situations. Be proud of yourself. You took the first step by sharing your thoughts with this community. Now, continue by taking steps into the direction you want your life to take.
Let me know if I can help you.
All the best!