Marki,
Getting straight A’s is not really important. It seems like you only feel good enough about yourself when you are as good as your classmates, but that isn’t the truth. Probably, you are afraid of not getting the approval and love from the people around you (parents, friends, etc.) which is why you are beating yourself up so much of not getting straight A’s. It breaks my heart. You probably believe that only if you get those straight A’s you are worthy and good enough.

Let me tell you something. You are good enough just by being you. There is no need to learn more or perform better for you to be more worthy. Our society puts a lot of meaning in working hard, and being the best in school, however, what this does with its individuals is them to believe, that they are nothing without it. This is the major reason today for those horrendous numbers of people with depression and anxiety. Because they were told in their childhood and adolescence that they are not good enough or loved if they don’t fulfill certain expectations. I know this might sound strange to you right now and overwhelm you. However, please see, that you are amazing the way you are without performing well.

I know what I’m talking about. In high school, I was the one with the worst grades. And I ask myself the same question you ask yourself now: “What is wrong with me?”. Now I know the following: Nothing is wrong with me. It just was really hard for me to learn things by heart and just reproduce facts. At university it turned out that I’m someone who needs to produce, to philosophize, to discuss, to create. We all are different. Systems like society and school try to make us fit into one box, it’s clear that there are some people who don’t fit in and never will.

The most important thing in life is this: Finding out who you are without all those voices around you, figuring out what makes you happy and brings you joy (which is at the same time what you’ll be great in) and creating the life you love. On that way, you won’t get everyone’s approval for your decisions, but this is your life. So live it the way you feel is right.

All the best for you!