That sounds incredibly difficult, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

A friend just e-mailed me a quote (I’m not sure who said it) because I’ve been going through some difficulties, too. It seems appropriate for you: “Sometimes the things that seem to hurt us the most are the very things that bring out the best in us ~ that helps us discover the love we thought we’d lost ~ the strength we didn’t know we had ~ the courage to let go of the past and begin again ~ because challenges help us to see who we really are, where we want to go and what our lives can be.”

I understand that you may not be able to see the gifts in your situation right now, and that’s OK. It sounds to me like what you need the most right now is some support from someone who is not judgmental or disappointed in you. Is there any way you can see a therapist or counselor? If money is an issue, maybe there is a training clinic or low-cost service in your area. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you’re feeling depressed and exhausted, and it doesn’t sound like your family has the resources to support you right now in the way you need to be supported. A counselor could not only give you the space to talk about what’s happening without feeling like you’re a drain on someone else, but might be able to see your situation with new eyes and offer solutions you and your family haven’t thought of. Sometime just having a sympathetic ear where you can be honest and open about how you’re feeling is enough to take some of the pressure off.

From your description, it sounds like you’ve been pretty motivated and smart about dealing with these hard issues. You’ve taken steps to try to better yourself and haven’t given up even under a lot of stress. I know a lot of people who would have given up long ago. I probably would have, too. Are you giving yourself credit for the fact that you’ve been handed some tough cards, and that you’ve really done a lot to try to make the best of them? Even though things haven’t worked out the way you wanted, you made the effort to make your life better. It must be incredibly frustrating to not reach your goal of passing the exam. But I’m impressed that you even took it. I don’t think I would have had the motivation.

I hope that things get better for you soon!