Lenny,

I think in some way we have all been there. I can tell you, it does get better but, you have to help yourself along. You already know that though. Take this time, away from what you know to work on your self. As hard as it is, get yourself some help, or get sober on your own. For me, it took realizing I can’t run from the pain. I was an avid pot smoker and pain med user for a time in my life. I realized at my lowest moment, I was using just to escape and avoid. You can only run so far before those emotions catch up with you. You sound like a strong person and I think you need to face up to some truth. You are loved, you are worthy of love and a great life, you just need to start believing it. I know you said at one point you were mediating and other bla bla bla, I get it. I have delved between self help and self harm for many years. It is always better to love yourself. Start chipping away at why you are doing the things you are doing. Start a relationship of health and love with yourself.

You are loved.

<3 Kori