Forum Replies Created
August 7, 2015 at 11:22 am #81415
I just wanted to reach out and say, at some point we have all felt like we have failed. I am recently divorced and that has brought up a lot of those feelings in myself.
Just think of this as your emotional/mental hug for the day. So what, you didn’t handle everything 100% “correct”. At the time, you did what you knew and what you thought was best.
You have spent, what seems like years taking care of people. Take this time and learn to care for yourself, stop beating yourself up so much about past issues. Maybe no one has given you “permission” to take care of yourself for once, so if you need the sign, here it is.
You are loved, and you are great at loving others. Don’t let the world take that away from you. stay strong sister.
<3 KoriJune 1, 2015 at 3:24 pm #77587
I was married to a traveling, full time musician for 5 years (together 9 years total) I have a full time, salary job and know the feelings of resentment very well. Reading this in fact brought back much pain for me, and a heart of empathy for you. I was the “supportive wife” for a long time. I remember the resentment of watching him be passed out in bed after a night of playing music and drinking, while I was up getting ready for a day of work. Things for us dissolved and broke for many reasons other than just money but for my heart a large part of that was money. Working your butt off and giving someone all the money you make w/ nothing in return can be disastrous on your life.
I will tell you this, when we started going to counseling I voiced to her that I felt like I couldn’t leave my relationship because he wouldn’t be able to support himself. Do you know what she said to me? He is an adult. It is the same thing I would say to you. You are married to an adult. Just like you have been an adult and working, he is also capable of working and supporting himself if need be. I am a people-pleaser and it was very hard for me to finally wrap my mind around that. She also gave me the scenario of “what if you died, what would he do then?” That made me really think. You aren’t doing him any favors by supporting him fully. He is an adult and at some point he can’t depend on you.
You are loved and deserve the best that life can offer. I think that this situation is really hard and I am proud of the hard work you have been doing. I think it was smart of you to voice those issues to him and I wish I knew how to help your resentment. Honestly, only time can heal and tell.
=)April 27, 2015 at 3:01 pm #75881
I think in some way we have all been there. I can tell you, it does get better but, you have to help yourself along. You already know that though. Take this time, away from what you know to work on your self. As hard as it is, get yourself some help, or get sober on your own. For me, it took realizing I can’t run from the pain. I was an avid pot smoker and pain med user for a time in my life. I realized at my lowest moment, I was using just to escape and avoid. You can only run so far before those emotions catch up with you. You sound like a strong person and I think you need to face up to some truth. You are loved, you are worthy of love and a great life, you just need to start believing it. I know you said at one point you were mediating and other bla bla bla, I get it. I have delved between self help and self harm for many years. It is always better to love yourself. Start chipping away at why you are doing the things you are doing. Start a relationship of health and love with yourself.
You are loved.
<3 KoriApril 20, 2015 at 12:26 pm #75589
No kids. My husband is a touring musician (always on the road) I work full time and work my ass off lol. I think I always knew in the back of my mind that he wasn’t capable of loving me the way I needed. I kept making excuses for not having kids because I was afraid to raise them alone. That is why your situation makes my heart ache. Even now, I can’t imagine having kids w/ anyone else, I still picture our little family and babies that look like him. But honestly, I am tired of being treated like a second choice and as I call it “Johnny Cash’s first wife” The one at home alone raising babies while he lives his dream and sleeps with God knows who. It has taken me so long to get to this point but I know I deserve my dreams too. Ugh, life. lol
<3April 20, 2015 at 11:49 am #75587
I know you know. It just took many people telling me that I also deserved better to finally let go of a painful relationship. I still struggle, when love is deep it is hard. I am currently getting divorced ( I’m 27) we have been together since I was 18 and the hardest part for me is the same thing….the image of our family in my head. Truth is, 2 years ago I couldn’t picture where I am today, even if I am in a struggle. That has to mean that two years from now, we could both be in an incredible place.I am having to learn to let go of my expectations (they haven’t served me well in fact, they hold me back) Every day I get stronger and so will you.
<3April 20, 2015 at 11:27 am #75584
Let me start by saying this: You deserve so much.You do not need to wait for this man, he is not worth your time. Yes, he is the father of your child but that does not mean he has to be anything more than a co parent. I know there were good times and bad- there are in any relationship. However, he is with someone else and has done nothing to prove to you that he wants to be in you or your child’s life(ask your self if you really want a man like that?). YOU DESERVE BETTER. I have found on my own journey, that until I started to create a relationship with my self (not one where I beat myself up) One where I learn to embrace my flaws and love them, did I see how worthy I am to be loved. You are also worthy of a beautiful life and so is your child. Start working on the way you treat your self and your own heart. Forgive your self, you are doing the best you can. You are a strong woman and have a lot to offer. Believe that and it will radiate off of you.
I was born to a teen mother, you are doing what you can to give him a good life. Forget this man and start focusing on your baby. Your son will know he is loved even if he has a nanny. The best gift you can give him, is you being present and healthy. You can do this. Move on and start fresh, you deserve it.
<3 you are loved.
KoriApril 10, 2015 at 9:03 am #75152
I think that when you are honest, even if the truth hurts a little, it will build more trust overall. I am a huge people pleaser and many times in my life I have tried to hide the truth to keep from hurting people. In the end a lie or dishonesty (even for a “good reason) always hurts them more and damages that trust, sometimes beyond repair. If you guys are going to start a marriage and future life together, be as open and honest as you can, not just for him, but you too! You will feel better.
Start an open channel of communication that continues the span of your relationship.
You are loved.
<3 KoriApril 9, 2015 at 1:13 pm #75133
Reading this hurt my heart for you. I am going through my own relationship struggle but can tell you when you see the signs before the marriage-don’t dismiss them. They will only grow and become magnified as time goes by.
You deserve so much.
When I read that part about “she is good for me” it instantly made me want to ask you that question in reverse. Is this man “good for you?” Does he have your best interest at heart? I think you already have your answer, but this is only something you can decide.
Know your own worth-you are his equal, if he can’t see that (pshhhh) he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t settle, sister.
You are loved.
<3 KoriMarch 30, 2015 at 2:12 pm #74683
First, what a strong woman you are. I was born to a teen mother and I have always bragged about the strength and courage it takes to make that work. When it comes to your marriage, I am so sorry. I am going through a divorce myself and almost every day some type of feelings of resentment come boiling back. The truth for me is found in forgiveness. You may never understand why he did what he did and you may never understand why he is choosing to leave. You can however, choose to not let him continue to control your life with his bad decisions. I read recently that when we forgive others, we are choosing to not be the victim of their actions and move on. It comforted me in the fact that I don’t want to be a victim, I am stronger than that and I feel that you are too.
The future is scary and adding kids and money issues into that mix is terrifying. Truth is, you will find a way. The universe will unfold as it should, maybe this is your new chance at a beautiful life.
You are loved.
<3 KoriMarch 26, 2015 at 2:07 pm #74502
Our stories are very different but in so many ways, I am right where you are. I have decided to leave a struggling relationship after almost 8 years. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but probably in the scheme of my life-the healthiest. I have found on this journey that you can love someone and still not be right or even healthy for them (yet addicted and codependent to their energies). People grow and change and if trust and respect are not in the cards,there will always be problems. Now, that being said I am not encouraging you to quit or leave but I guess I am challenging you to take a hard look at your life. Are you really happy or are you just afraid of change and the unknown? When I finally asked myself those questions the answers were there. A life lived out of fear of the unknown is no life at all. Take a chance, take a risk and start on a journey to loving yourself. If you don’t hear anything else-hear this : You are worth it and your life can be anything you want it to be. Be brave, you are loved.
<3 KoriMarch 17, 2015 at 9:44 am #74040
I am proud of you. I think all I could say is, I challenge you to love on yourself a little right now.(Something I have trouble doing myself) I find it so easy to love others and even animals way more than I love myself. Take even a tiny portion of that love you had for Harry and do something nice for yourself. If you and your ex are meant to be-you will and you will have found a love for yourself that is contagious and healthy.
You are stronger now than you were a week ago, and you will only continue to get stronger!
<3 you are loved
KoriMarch 16, 2015 at 9:20 am #73979
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet fur baby, Harry. There is no sweeter love than that of a animal, especially when you are hurting and healing.
That being said, when I read about your past relationship and break up, it sounds like you were (and will be) in a much better place. Even saying things like “In the time since I have decided that I love being on my own and having my own space and don’t “need” to look for a new love..”
I want to encourage you right now. Things are hard and there seems to be no light at the end but friend, there is. No one can make these decisions but you, but I do challenge you to question, why now? If you had not lost your sweet Harry would you have contacted him, prompting a reconciliation? Would you have even wanted one?
Not once in your post did you mention loving or missing your ex, I don’t point this out to be mean, but enjoying someones comfort during a hard time is not necessarily a reason to get back in a relationship with them. I know it is so hard right now to see the end or the future but take it slow and ask yourself some hard questions.
I think Inky is right-if you do enter back into contact with him- take it slow, for your own heart.
You are loved-
KoriFebruary 16, 2015 at 8:29 am #72823
I understand the struggle and know you are not alone. I myself am working on changing the way I talk to myself. I have learned that, even tho I am a “happy” person and I am grateful for the things I have, I never feel good enough. For the longest time I blamed that on my circumstances or money or people in my life. I finally realized that most of it was in my head (to a certain extent) I realized that I was holding my self to a standard of perfection that didn’t exist. For most of my life I felt I needed to be a certain way to please others, when in fact they didn’t care if I was perfect, they just wanted me to be happy. I started counseling about 4 months ago and through her help I have realized I have a terribly negative self narrative. You may be similar to me. When you start to not feel good enough, change the script. Remember the pride you feel for being 21 and able to provide a home for yourself, remember what you have come from and what you are today. You are an incredible human and when you start allowing yourself to believe it, you won’t care about “not being good enough” because you will just be you.
Wishing you the best of luck, you are worth it <3