Kyniska, how come you feel you can only forgive yourself after you apologize to him? Do you first need to know what he thinks about you and the mistakes you made? What if you call him, apologize and he continues blaming you for what you did? Will you then be able to forgive yourself at all?
You can’t make your ability to forgive dependent on others. Don’t do that. You can’t control what others think of you, that’s not in your own hands. I know you want him to forgive you badly and I get that. However, don’t wait for that.

You know what? I learned one thing and I hope this kind of helps you as well: Everyone does the best he/she can at any single moment with the resources available. This means, even when you made those mistakes, and no matter which ones, you did the best you could in that moment. And so did he.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. This is the only thing you can control and influence. Don’t hope for his validation or approval or love. Give it to yourself. And forgive yourself. I know you can do it.

Best, Martina