Hey Chris,

Thank you very much for your wise words and compliment. I will try to work on some of those things. My biggest worry for trying new things is the long-lasting effects they have on me, for the worse. I regret ever watching certain films like Brokeback Mountain, which caused me to be depressed for YEARS, especially when everybody else talks about how much they loved it and describes moments in it that I don’t need to be reminded about. As an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I need to know my boundaries, which, when crossed, hurt me more than broaden my horizons. It’s an extremely fine line between broadening my horizons and overstepping my boundaries, and I don’t know where the line is. There are new things I’ll try (especially non-media), but media-related things I usually avoid now, because every time I’ve been pushed to see something, the outcome has been altogether worse, and for too long. 🙁

Having compassion on others is very important…but again, thanks to media and news, I’m too often given an ugly image of humanity as a generalized “basely evil” creature that has evolved too much, become hyper-civilized, and now gets too much pleasure out of hurting his own kind, entertainment from pain and abuse, and chaotic minds (re: the Baltimore riots). I know there are good things in the world, but the bad things just shine more brightly to me and have a stronger effect… 🙁 So my persistent shame of being human (from childhood–it doesn’t help to watch children’s movies that show how humans are evil and animals are better) is still there. It doesn’t stop me from loving others, though (and I have a LOT of love to give). But that love is tested too often, and when the logic points to us humans being unworthy of love (myself included), it’s just…difficult, and I often long to be something better than human.

And I definitely want to bond with others, but over GOOD things…things that I don’t have to be ashamed about or feel bad about. I know that I love my furry friends SO MUCH, and we love to go out and entertain others in our silly costumes (a lot of Patch Adams in us, yes), so I wholeheartedly bond in that. Also love just finding unique, interesting things to bond with others over, like my tap lessons. I can do without the media stuff (unless it’s something I happen to really love).

Maybe I’m not as bad as I’m making myself out to be, but I feel like I’ve hit a very low point right now, and it’s hard to get out of (depression is easy to fall into, since it’s so familiar and comfortable to those who have been suffering from it). I know I have so many loved ones who care about me and want me to be happy…I’ll try to take solace in them and their positive energy. Thank you so much for your own, and forgive my long blathersome responses…this is definitely my innermost thoughts being voiced, and simply writing them out feels great (I should do that privately, I know, but this time I definitely wanted some advice and thoughts).

Lots of love to you and yours, ALWAYS,

Marc