Hey Moon,

I’ve definitely been judged based on my interests (and even non-interests), and it REALLY hurt. It came to the point that I started providing long, verbose disclaimers on why I liked or didn’t like something, to make sure no one would judge me. On the bright side (as I mentioned in an earlier post), it taught me to embrace others and not judge THEM on their likes, at least in the individual sense. I think I still judge on a generalized level (“the whole of humanity” vs. “one special person”). I think a lot of this comes not just from my ego, but from my learned negative perception of the human race, which I have to “unlearn” somehow. Taking part in something charitable and active is a GREAT idea, in terms of surrounding myself with positive people who are making a difference. I will definitely remember this (and hopefully act on it; been far too lazy recently). I worry, though, about the “evolution” of humanity…tons of documentaries, studies, films, and fiction seem to point out that humanity is hurtling towards disaster, extinction, or degradation, rather than rising to become something better (but don’t get me wrong–sites like TinyBuddha are definitely sparkles of hope).

Looking at the world from an impartial eye–that’s really tough, given that which influences me far too much (e.g. media, news, friends with strong biased opinions). But “leaving my mind” is definitely familiar. When I’m alone or idle, I tend to think and “go back” to unhappier times that just pull me into a strong depression. But when I’m busy, distracted, or enjoying things with others, all those thoughts go away. I acknowledge that I have my anxieties, but I still take too much pleasure in letting them take control of me (another common habit of my life, the love of being “controlled”).

It shames me that I have such a huge ego, and everyone who has posted here is correct about that. I want to be humble and lowly so I can be a good person, but it never occurred to me that I keep bringing everything back to myself. And even when I try not to do that, it keeps coming back to me. I can help someone who’s dying, but all that’s going through my mind is the pain of his/her loved ones and the negative repercussions it will have on everything else, and so the service becomes a negative source of energy rather than a positive one. 🙁 I listened to someone last night tell me the most depressing story of watching his partner wither and die over eight years, and by the time he was done talking, I was miserable and depressed, and unable to think of anything positive to say.

Not sure when I’ll get over this…I’ve got so much advice from so many good people, but I don’t think I’ve done anything with it (and I keep promising myself over and over again…and keep betraying myself over and over). Hopefully I will soon.

Much love to you and yours, always,

Marc