Hey Daffodil, you sound a lot like me. In the last few years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly insecure and conscious of my lack of “best” or “closest” friends. I’m so fortunate to have moved back to the city my parents lived in after college, and joined a large running club that my dad was part of and already had a good crew of people to run and hang out with. It has become a source of happiness and is my extended family. I still feel a slight disconnection, however, and am trying to work to meet more people who are more my age who I can call my closest friends some day. It certainly is work and I lamented never having good friendships after moving around so much as a child and always having to forge new ones simply because I thought it would just happen like it did in grade school. But hang in there, because the act of doing and getting involved in things will pay off. You may not connect with say a group you’ve met in one activity, but maybe you get invited to another event through them and you meet even more people, and it could spiral out like that. But being proactive is helpful, being consistent pays off (“Hey, I’ve see you here every week, what was your name again?”), and sometimes you have to be the one to try and organize things. I still put in a lot of work and sometimes feel like giving up on someone who seems well-intentioned but doesn’t reach out to do much with me, but what I’ve learned is to never take it personally, and that was big in my growth.

As to the relationship, I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about how couples should be there for each other through thick and thin, and to hear your loved one say they are losing their affection for you because of X or Y, which you are already insecure of and aware of, is harsh. The people who love us (including yourself!) should help encourage and push you to be better, to improve your situation, and to help you when you are able to attempt going out into the world on your own. Your boyfriend wants to push you to be your true self that you have lost touch with, but maybe he could have used more tact, because it would make me insecure too and worry that he is threatening to leave me because I’m not good enough. My boyfriend did something similar to me when he was starting to pull away and when I told my counselor that she said that it was definitely very tactless. Attraction and love are complicated, because I’m sure he does love you and I’m sure he wants you to be your best self, but to tell someone you are losing feelings for them is harsh. I don’t know what he truly thinks and I’m still learning to understand these things myself, because I have been in your position.

My boyfriend– he knew these were things I was insecure about and working to improve, and he was listing his concerns about the relationship because he was starting to think of us in the future and wanted to be sure he wouldn’t divorce a second time– his biggest fear. But I did fall back into comfort with him far too easily and grew up with low self esteem and insecure about being single, so I lost touch with my own strength and confidence because I was getting it out of his approval and my status as committed. He had some good quality friends that I loved to hang out with, so I was satisfied meeting people through him. My job has been becoming stagnant and left me feeling unambitious and unaccomplished, but it was stable and secure and I could escape with my boyfriend after work or on weekends and vacations and that was when I felt I was actually living.

He pushed me to apply to jobs and helped me with connections he had, and he knew I was working hard on making more friendships and saw that it was working and was happy for me and supportive. I think I put a lot of pressure on him at a bad time (depending on him for my happiness and constantly in fear of abandonment, even when things were going well). However, he was harboring grief and feelings of loss since he was going through a divorce when we met and we started dating way too soon. We broke up a week ago after being together for 10 months, since he knew he needed to eventually be alone first if he were ever ready to be married again and I knew I really needed to work on my issues too, and I think in our case it was very necessary for us to have a catalyst for change and growth. I miss him dearly but am starting to realize how much I did depend on him and how insecure I was during our relationship because I thought I couldn’t handle being alone again. Now I clearly can, it just sucks to lose him 🙁 And from what mutual friends have told me, he’s confused, depressed and crying a week later, saying that I was the girl for him but he needed more time and was afraid of losing me for good, but we both know we need to do this. It’s terribly hard to think that we may not work out one day, but if it was meant to be it will be.

I’m not saying this is what you must do, but know that you no longer need to fear the future– communicate to him your desires to grow in these areas and ask him to be supportive of you as you go off and do things. He needs to be your base from which you can go out into the world and know you are safe– that is what a secure relationship and attachment to each other means. If he is making it feel as if he will not be there for you to support you, question whether or not he is someone YOU would want to marry. I understand you saying you’d rather go out and do things/meet people with him, but what if you tried it on your own and when you get comfortable doing that you can ask him again if he’d like to join you and your new friends in an activity? Try and strike a balance between your own activities and shared ones with the two of you, so you know he will be there for you while you forge your own paths.