fbpx
Menu

Help, I'm Worried My 3yr Relationship May Be Ending…

Home→Forums→Relationships→Help, I'm Worried My 3yr Relationship May Be Ending…

New Reply
Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • May 6, 2015 at 9:20 pm #76343
    Daffodil
    Participant

    I’m worried and heart-broken at the idea that my relationship may be ending. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, and we’ve hit some major transitions in our life together, thus far; college graduation, long distance (TX-NJ) for 1.5 years, living together for 1 year, and now an even bigger 2nd move.
    I quit my job and life back home, so I wouldn’t lose him. I was hurting from the long distance as much as he was, and I was more than ready to leave my job. I started working as an independent contractor, which I quickly discovered was not for me, but have been doing it for the past year. I hate being home all day, and I need more structure in my life, than creating my own schedule. He had made very good friends to introduce me to, and I quickly formed close relationships of my own. Now, we’ve moved back to the east coast, which I thought would be great. He has more than 17K+ pay raise (which would be great security), and I would have more job prospects. Here’s where everything gets confusing…
    We’re in an area that has limited job prospects, I’m still at home (his Dad’s place with my bf & his dad under the same roof), the area is less than ideal for meeting people at the very least close to our age (26, we’re in FL…) etc., and we’re really starting to feel the shift. Now here is what I mean when I say “shift”…
    I love my boyfriend. He’s everything to me, and when we were younger he always made me want to be better than the best person I could be. He brought out my ambition and drive, ergo I felt great about myself and had high self-esteem. My boyfriend has a difficult time opening up. He’s not emotionally unavailable, he just does doesn’t show affection too often. The only thing he has told me recently, as we tried to get everything on the table (after a sorta blowup 2wks ago before he left on a business trip) was that he’s noticed I don’t have any self-esteem and that my confidence that he was initially attracted to was gone, and he has to think about the kind of girl he wants to marry, to have as a partner. Something we’ve been talking about since 2 years ago, now I may not be that girl anymore (that he envisioned being with). I know my self-esteem is gone.
    1)I’m alone all day, barely working because I have a job I don’t like, without structure, that I’m not good at.
    2) We’ve moved to a brand new area with very few people to meet and it’s (apparently) my turn now to make all the “friend connections” or at least get the ball rolling.
    3) I’ve decided to leave the non-profit world and completely switch careers ~ which he said “Of course, I’ll support you! I’ll support you in anything you do, but you have to at least do something.” Back story, I need to try and shake off whatever funk this is I’m in so I can be the person I want to be; confident, independent, successful, and happy. All the things my boyfriend originally liked about me, that I WAS, and now I’ve sort of lost my way. Full disclosure, I’ve only applied to 5 jobs in 3 weeks.
    4) Apartment hunting is absolute Hell! But he’s sick of apartment living, he wants to live in a house, he wants to live by the ocean, he wants us to split our finances 50/50. Which I can’t realistically do right now, but I want to be able to do that, I want to be making enough $$ to do that.
    5) Our location has to be at max. 30 minutes commuting distance to his job, since he already has one and it’s the one keeping us afloat. Yet, since we moved, I’ve been paying my own way, and we’re staying rent-free with his dad…
    I feel like he’s calling all the shots, but at the same time I know that he loves me and would support me; emotionally, mentally, and/or financially. But right now I feel like, he thinks I’m no longer the girl I was (which I don’t either, for that matter) and the continuance of our relationship is contingent on whether or not I make this self-transformation quickly or he’ll tell me something like, “Well, I mean, maybe you should go home [to my parents’ place]” i.e. we’d break-up.
    Let’s get a few things straight…
    1) I want to have a successful career of my own that gets me out of the house.
    2) I don’t like this self-pitying worry-wort I’ve become (I’m always so worried about whether or not my boyfriend still likes me) Dang it, there are some great things out there this world.
    3) I want to be happy, and I want to be able to make myself happy.
    4) Hell, I’m a catch! I’m pretty, I’m smart, I find things I’m passionate about, and I’m nervous about making friends for “us”, but I’m willing to go out. BUT I DON’T WANT TO GO BY MYSELF. I will, but I don’t want to have to go it alone. At the end of the day shouldn’t he want to come out with me to try and make friends…? Even if he’s had a hard day (8-5:30/6).
    Look, I know I need to step up my own “game” for myself, not necessarily for our relationship.
    a) I need to apply for more jobs
    b) I can’t let a little fear hold me back
    c) and I need to take some time each day to think & do things that make me happy, and make me happy about myself.
    But it’s hard when I feel like I’m running the timed mile in gym class, but if I don’t finish in under 4 minutes then I’ll have failed (and be heart-broken).
    I need to find a way to talk to my boyfriend without worrying that he’ll say I’m wrong/mistaken or that he’ll throw-in the towel on “us”. Am I crazy? It’s ok for people to say I am. I’m asking what I should do, am I the one out of line, is he being selfish, am I too torn up in my own thoughts to see how things really are?
    Please let me know your thoughts. By the way, I’m clearly NOT ready to give up on this relationship, so at this moment I don’t see that as an option. I’ve talked to my sisters, but sometimes (let’s face it) we don’t listen to the people who know us best. I need an outsider’s opinion who doesn’t know us intimately.
    How should I approach my boyfriend, should I start with asking for his help? At our last talk I said, “I will take care of this, this is something I need to work on, I need to change and get myself back to where I want to be as a woman”….

    May 7, 2015 at 4:42 am #76350
    natalie
    Participant

    Hi
    I can partially relate to this because my last relationship lasted three years and i believe we broke up for almost the same reasons.
    My advice to you would probably be when you have free time alone withough your partner there, sit down in silence or what ever makes you think and write down what you were doing before you met him. Just before you and him got together. Sometimes you will notice the things you used to do and how you felt at that time are things you have given up. I uderstand in relationships theres some give and take, but it seems like you have given up a lot whilst being with him hence why he is saying your not the girl that he was attracted to 3 years back. Try listening to old songs you used to love before you met him becuase that may spark some memories and emotions that you felt then and it will help you.

    Your social situation isnt helped by that fact you live in an area thats not buzzing. Are there any social activities you can take up in the area? Gym classes or any type of class where you can meet people?

    You shouldnt have to make ffriends for the both of you. im a firm believer in the fact that couples can have the same friends but its good to have your own circle of friends too. You need to make friends that you have something in common with. he has a job and so on, so really he can make friends at his work place.

    May 17, 2015 at 8:36 am #76885
    B
    Participant

    Hey Daffodil, you sound a lot like me. In the last few years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly insecure and conscious of my lack of “best” or “closest” friends. I’m so fortunate to have moved back to the city my parents lived in after college, and joined a large running club that my dad was part of and already had a good crew of people to run and hang out with. It has become a source of happiness and is my extended family. I still feel a slight disconnection, however, and am trying to work to meet more people who are more my age who I can call my closest friends some day. It certainly is work and I lamented never having good friendships after moving around so much as a child and always having to forge new ones simply because I thought it would just happen like it did in grade school. But hang in there, because the act of doing and getting involved in things will pay off. You may not connect with say a group you’ve met in one activity, but maybe you get invited to another event through them and you meet even more people, and it could spiral out like that. But being proactive is helpful, being consistent pays off (“Hey, I’ve see you here every week, what was your name again?”), and sometimes you have to be the one to try and organize things. I still put in a lot of work and sometimes feel like giving up on someone who seems well-intentioned but doesn’t reach out to do much with me, but what I’ve learned is to never take it personally, and that was big in my growth.

    As to the relationship, I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about how couples should be there for each other through thick and thin, and to hear your loved one say they are losing their affection for you because of X or Y, which you are already insecure of and aware of, is harsh. The people who love us (including yourself!) should help encourage and push you to be better, to improve your situation, and to help you when you are able to attempt going out into the world on your own. Your boyfriend wants to push you to be your true self that you have lost touch with, but maybe he could have used more tact, because it would make me insecure too and worry that he is threatening to leave me because I’m not good enough. My boyfriend did something similar to me when he was starting to pull away and when I told my counselor that she said that it was definitely very tactless. Attraction and love are complicated, because I’m sure he does love you and I’m sure he wants you to be your best self, but to tell someone you are losing feelings for them is harsh. I don’t know what he truly thinks and I’m still learning to understand these things myself, because I have been in your position.

    My boyfriend– he knew these were things I was insecure about and working to improve, and he was listing his concerns about the relationship because he was starting to think of us in the future and wanted to be sure he wouldn’t divorce a second time– his biggest fear. But I did fall back into comfort with him far too easily and grew up with low self esteem and insecure about being single, so I lost touch with my own strength and confidence because I was getting it out of his approval and my status as committed. He had some good quality friends that I loved to hang out with, so I was satisfied meeting people through him. My job has been becoming stagnant and left me feeling unambitious and unaccomplished, but it was stable and secure and I could escape with my boyfriend after work or on weekends and vacations and that was when I felt I was actually living.

    He pushed me to apply to jobs and helped me with connections he had, and he knew I was working hard on making more friendships and saw that it was working and was happy for me and supportive. I think I put a lot of pressure on him at a bad time (depending on him for my happiness and constantly in fear of abandonment, even when things were going well). However, he was harboring grief and feelings of loss since he was going through a divorce when we met and we started dating way too soon. We broke up a week ago after being together for 10 months, since he knew he needed to eventually be alone first if he were ever ready to be married again and I knew I really needed to work on my issues too, and I think in our case it was very necessary for us to have a catalyst for change and growth. I miss him dearly but am starting to realize how much I did depend on him and how insecure I was during our relationship because I thought I couldn’t handle being alone again. Now I clearly can, it just sucks to lose him 🙁 And from what mutual friends have told me, he’s confused, depressed and crying a week later, saying that I was the girl for him but he needed more time and was afraid of losing me for good, but we both know we need to do this. It’s terribly hard to think that we may not work out one day, but if it was meant to be it will be.

    I’m not saying this is what you must do, but know that you no longer need to fear the future– communicate to him your desires to grow in these areas and ask him to be supportive of you as you go off and do things. He needs to be your base from which you can go out into the world and know you are safe– that is what a secure relationship and attachment to each other means. If he is making it feel as if he will not be there for you to support you, question whether or not he is someone YOU would want to marry. I understand you saying you’d rather go out and do things/meet people with him, but what if you tried it on your own and when you get comfortable doing that you can ask him again if he’d like to join you and your new friends in an activity? Try and strike a balance between your own activities and shared ones with the two of you, so you know he will be there for you while you forge your own paths.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.