Dear George:
Regarding your first paragraph above: your father said he was too old to change- i bet he was younger than me, being 54. It is hard work, one has to be motivated and take step after step, endlessly patient with the process, but it is possible to do it at 50+- I am the proof.
Secondly, you shone some light here on your depression, shared more. I can see how your father hurt you. No wonder you are depressed. You reached out to him, you reached out to him many times, many, many times- I have no doubt. You reached out for his love that you naturally needed so desperately. You needed to feel safe in his love so that you can LIVE. And you didn’t get it- again and again you were turned down. What is more sad than a little boy (and part of you is still that little boy) looking UP to his father, naturally needy of his father, and being turned down again and again? Naturally- by the nature of being human- you needed connection with him so that you can handle fear (connection is what animals and humans- being animals- need to SOOTHE/ calm/ handle fear).

Projecting my experience into you, I assume the following (and tell me if it fits): you are still waiting for that connection with your father. The child part of you still believes his only way to LIVE is to GET that connection with him. Healing is about the process of developing a part in you that will take care of the child part of you. This part can be called The Manager, effectively managing your thinking, feeling, behaving. This process takes a long time.

It will take a long time until you develop a part in you that is solid enough, trustworthy enough… and developing it through a relationship with another- be it a therapist- sometime along the way, your healing will be in the context of a relationship with another. The TRAUMA you experienced and still suffering from (you can google Complex ptsd, if you’d like regarding the nature of this trauma I am referring to) is a relationship trauma (with your father). Your healing will partially be an alone process but it will have to be in the context of a relationship with a healthy, helpful person- not with him- NOT WITH HIM- with someone else, someone reliable, trustworthy, someone who will not turn you away.

One step at a time. What can you do today toward the healing you need?

Regarding your second paragraph: you are welcome. I like it that you have the place in you where you care about another- took the time to write you are glad i am healing. This means you are still available for a healthy relationship with another. And you are still reaching out. It is good that you are reaching out. Just don’t reach out to him anymore, if you can help it. At least be willing to consider not reaching out to him, pay attention to the many ways you still are (in practice or in your mind alone)!