Dear Name:
I am so sorry to read your sad story and the sad state of mind you are in and have been for so long. No doubt you have been and are unfortunate to be born and grow up (or as I call it in my case- and yours?- grow IN, as inside oneself) to the family you were. So was I. I too hated myself. I too wished for death and thought about it a lot from a very early age. This does not minimize your pain, the fact that others have experienced similar pain as well, does it? YI wish I could transfer to you that it is okay, whatever you feel is okay, that you fell in love with a guy is okay. I too, being a female, was confused. I felt like the man when around women even though I too am not homosexual. I too hated myself, saying very negative things to myself.

I’ve been working very hard for over four years now, consistently on healing. First with the help of a good- my first good psychotherapist and then by myself within the context of my first good relationship with a man. I cannot tell you how much TIME and how SLOW the change in me is- but there is a change. There is healing. So am I wrong to think it is possible for you too?

Is healing possible for you too? Maybe not without HELP. But the problem is with the isolation you have done how do you trust another? how do you know who to trust??? No doubt not everyone is trustworthy. Maybe most people are not. I am pessimistic and am aware of people’s cruely…

If you are interested, google COMPLEX PTSD. Google INNER CRITIC, COMPLEX PTSD. In the website (I don’t remember right now but you can find it if you try) there is a description of four types of defenses that people use predominantly. You and I, I believe, are the FREEZE type, isolating. It says on that website that the only way to heal is in the context of a relationship. It seems to me a GOOD therapist is what you need.

There is nothing else I can write to you. Unless you have a specific question about what I wrote. If you have any question, any clarification of what I wrote, any specific thing you want to know, please ask me- or others.

Take care of yourself:
anita