Hello Karmabeliever and Adam. Thank you for your support. You both are asking a very good question: am I giving myself for people to feel appreciated? Do I enjoy the act of kindness? If I got you right, the idea is: if I love people and my acts are selfless, it should not matter whether they reciprocate or not. I wish I could attempt this level of maturity…
So, when I give, I always do it spontaneously, out of my heart and without thinking. I love people. I feel a lot of joy when I can help someone, to be there for someone. However, I cannot say I do it for people to love back or to appreciate me. This thought just does not cross my mind. At least my conscious mind. But, for me, the human connection is the most important thing in life. Something I value the most. And here is where I got disappointed. I don’t really have strong connections in my life. I came to realization that people don’t really care about me. I will skip the details, but when I look around I notice that almost everyone have people who care for them. I am married and have two sons. And still I feel I am the only one who cares. You would argue that people are different and I cannot expect from people to be as caring as I am. Then why I see people giving to others what I would so much want to receive? So they have ability, it is just for some reason it is never directed towards me… I know it sounds like a pity party, but currently this is how I feel. It hurts and life seems to be meaningless and cruel. No hope for tomorrow.