Dear Name:
I just found out your post of 5/26 and eager to give you my answers to your questions:
1) “How do you know if someone cares about you?” I only know of two people who care about me. I know one 23 years and the other 6 years. I know the first cares about me because I as a young child when I picked him up from his day care he called my name with such happiness. I know he didn’t make it up, didn’t pretend to be happy to see him. He was only two or so. I saw the innocence in his face. The other is my husband. I married him late in life, less than five years ago when i was 49. I know he cares about me because he tells me so and shows me with many actions and mostly by listening to me and paying attention to what I say, remembering what I say and following it with action, like I MATTER. Still, this very morning I wanted to tell him that I feel safe with him but when I said it, I said it with a question mark at the end.

2) “How do you show you care about someone?” About the child I picked up from day care- my nephew. I wanted so much to save him from the childhood I had- I felt so anxious throughout my time with him. I told him again and again things like: “I like everything that you are.. think/ feel…Everything that you are is okay with me… You are loveable, etc. etc. wanting to “brain wash” him with messages i wish I had. I tried to make him feel visible by repeating to him what he was doing: “You are playing with a red car, you are getting up, etc. WIth my husband I told him this morning that he is safe with me. I want to and hope I am giving him the safety to be himself and heal from his emotional wounds with me.

3. “How do you become close to someone?” Slowly, you risk just a LITTLE bit, a tiny, tiny bit and wait for response. Only if you get a positive response you stick around/ meet again and over time risk just a tiny, tiny bit more by sharing a bit and you wait for a response.

4. “Do you think that if I do succeed in having a close friend, will I heal or would I have to talk to someone?
If I do end up having to talk to someone, I’m afraid that they might pity or overall change their impression of me.”

I read that some people do a lot of healing within the context of a good relationship and without a therapist. From personal experience I can tell you that with some therapists i did no healing whatsoever. I know many therapists are not “good enough”. Many are incompetent. I am very pessimistic about therapist competency and people’s trustworthiness in general. At times in my life I was so desparate for human connection- or from help- that I “trusted” him or her way too soon only to distrust him/ her soon enough afterwards and say my forever-goodbye to that person. Now that I have two people I trust and some healing, I am not so desperate, not as desperate and that makes it easier to take things slowly with other people…

I hope there is some help in my responses. i answered just as things arose in my mind…

I intend to check to see if you post again…!
anita