Dear Michelle – thank you for your thoughts. These were very interesting as I was actually preparing to explain to my therapist why I practice forgiveness and compassion so much :-p (He seems to think it is a perfectionistic standard but I do not).

I don’t tend to hold grudges or get hung up on others’ behaviour towards me and the reason for this is that I learned long ago – who knows when – that if I take a deep breath and think ‘this person has struggles, as do I, I hope they feel good again soon’ and feel a sense of love and warmth towards them regardless of what they do, it brings me peace. But thank you for your suggestion because I know that doing this does make me feel peaceful so I think the suggestion is a very good one.

Which brings me neatly to Anita’s response and again we’re getting into things I’ve been trying 😀 Not to say your words are not helpful because they are. I realised that I am compassionate towards others but not myself and that I do not need to ‘think myself into that space’ when it comes to others. For instance, a friend of mine often needs reassurance and help and it often feels like she does not listen to what I say so that we have the same conversation again and again. I eventually felt frustrated and vented to a friend, who said simply: “Well, she’s just going to have to learn how to self-soothe”. Without thinking, I replied: “Well I think that’s rather a tall order. Self-soothing is normally learned at age three or below, we’re talking about someone in their 30s, I think she will learn to self soothe in time but it will not be overnight.” I didn’t feel like I was being defensive and I didn’t feel angry or anything, I was just putting across my personal belief. I realised later that had those words been said against me: “You’re just going to have to self soothe”, I would have immediately thought: “They’ve got a point, I’m not very good at that and I should be better, I’m a complete nutcase and no one should ever have to be around me.” I would not practice the same logic towards myself as I do others.

Trying to give myself the same standards as others, and not expect myself to magically ‘do better’ has been difficult, but I think you are right that I gave up too quickly.

Also, although my shame does not come with words, I had a think about it and decided I think my shame is down to a very abstract concept of not being ‘normal’. I feel that I am not the same as other people and that I cannot be trusted in social situations because I don’t understand how to be a normal human being (so I must be hidden). I feel like I have no idea what normal is or how to behave (although I do not, and have never had, behavioural problems…) I was socially excluded at school until I was 11, so this may be the cause, although at the time I did not find it upsetting (because I saw the other children as ‘not so important any way’ and did not feel I was missing out). I will try to just let that be a thought, or a feeling, and trust that it is not a reflection of reality. And as you say, I will not stop because it doesn’t work immediately 😉

Thanks all