Dear Jason:
I read again all your posts attentively. This is my input:
You read like a reasonable, rational man who takes responsibility for your participation in the relationship, willing to look at what you did wrong and what you can do better. You did put a lot of possible solutions into action, helping around the house, dating, and more. You suggested psychotherapy. You did everything you could to have her stop flirting with the guy.

You did everything you possibly could to help your marriage. There is nothing else you can possibly do at this point, and this is my feeling about your marriage. At this point NOTHING else from you is required. Do nothing, this is what comes to my mind.

Stop trying. Withdraw. Let things be. What else can you do? When you have done so much and “Everything I do just goes wrong”- the title of your post, well…. stop doing.

I would drop the business with the other guy- stop mentioning it to her, stop asking about it. Let it go, at least in outward behavior. Say and do nothing about it.

You wrote: “I need to heal myself though…I need to let go of it but I am scared to. I am not sure why. I guess after all this time, I expect her to be there and it scares me she may not. I would feel like a failure.”

I don’t know much about what you mean in the above. I wonder about your fear, the nature of it. I would write about it- here or otherwise explore your fear. Not with her though, in counseling or otherwise- I will read what you write, if you choose to do it here and maybe help you to take it from here.

anita