Hi Jason,

Married men look to other women even if times are good. Married women look to other men only when times are bad. This guy is giving her something she so desperately needs that she isn’t getting from you. Here is the trick to get her back heart, mind and soul:

Treat her so well that YOU become her lover (or best friend, assuming nothing went on), and that YOU are stealing her away from HIM.

I know you aren’t in the mood to do this, and you want to talk it out, but you will NEVER resolve it through talking alone! In fact, at this point, talk is detrimental!

Someone or Life itself is telling her (and frankly most women) that she’s not good enough. YOU need to compliment her on how great she looks, cook her nice foods, help a little in the house AND/OR say THANK YOU for even the smallest thing she does in the house. Compliment the children when you catch them being good and say that they take after their mother.

She looks to him for a zing of excitement, appreciation, and to get away from a life where nothing she does is good enough. Then, she comes back from a man who makes her feel beautiful to complaints, noise, and drudgery.

Whatever you did all those years ago to win her love, do again. Take her out, dress up, compliment her, sweep her off her feet. When you were dating you never brought up the other guys did you? You are the only one in her world, truly. Time to remind her of that!

Best,

Inky

Dear Jason:
I wouldn’t take the blame for her flirting with another man. Just as you are fully responsible for flirting with other women, when you do, so is she responsible for flirting with another man and for hurting you by doing so. I understand that she doesn’t acknowledge her responsibility in doing so- is that the case? Is there a pattern in the relationship where she blames you and you have to fix it in other areas? I may be off here, so I would need your input here so to go forward with my response…
anita

Dear Jason:
So she does realize of late that it hurts you a lot when she talks to the other guy? And she promissed not to?

DId she express that she realizes that it hurts you before, promissed before not to talk to him and did it anyway?

Or did you have a more insgihtful conversation this last time where she had a new realization?

When you talk, do you listen to each other, applying EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect? How about discussing how to discuss, the rules (such as EAR) as preparation for more effective communication?

WHy does it blow over…Did you enjoy better communication in the past???

If you cannot manage effective conversations between the two of you, you might want to consider or re-consider a counselor, therapist.
anita

Dear Jason:
It is too bad that you are facing this problem, that is, her interest in another man. The fact that she checked out his profile in Facebook just the other day confirms her interest in him. That may have happened no matter what you did differently and it has to do with her desire for excitement, diversion, something new… I don’t believe women’s interest in men outside a marriage is different than men’s, that all women are the same- and I don’t believe she is just reacting to what you are doing wrong.

She is responsible for her participation in the relationship and you are responsible to your participation in the relationship. To what the relationship is- and to the fact that it exists- you are 50/50% responsible. Ask her (have you?) for the nature of her interest in the man, and listen. Really listen so you can figure out the nature of her interest, so that you learn what you are up against… Invite her to share honestly about her interest in him_ what is her motivation? What excites her about him… Be as calm as you can so your can HEAR what is GOING ON. Better get to know what is happening- get a better view of your reality.

After you get MORE information from her, and GET it, that is absorb it before you decide what to do with it- well, first things first. Get the information.
anita

Dear Jason:
I re-read your posts here. I am thinking as I type this; you are in a difficult situation here. She is far from being a good enough partner to you, unfortunatley. She blamed you for her actions for a long time, for her emotional affair with this man, and that wasn’t right. Then she gives you BITS of honesty here and there only to forget about it (about the hoensty) and go back to dishonesty. ANd you don’t believe her- understandably. You don’t trust her becasue she is not untrustworthy. To learn to be a”a more trusting person and partner” as you wrote in the last sentence of the last post you need a TRUSTWORTHY person first. This is the problem here and it is very sad because her lack of trustworthiness in this matter of this emotional affair- is totally out of your control. Obviously you are considering ending the relationship (you wrote you can’t live like this and you wrote “no matter who I am with” in the last sentence above. Then there are kids involved … and there is a business, lesser in importance perhaps…TOUGH.

Make a PLAN, is my advice, if you need advice. This is what I would do, step back and look at the forest, the whole picture, the wider perspective. What are the parts of your life that you care mostly about? The kids, how are they doing, how are they doing emotionally mentally with the two of you as their parents? Will they be better off if you are divorced or separated? What will the business be like? If the two of you are involved in it- how will it be like if you are separated- what will the financial consequences be? And how will your mental health be? Do you feel relief at the thought of parting ways? I wonder what her position on separation is, if you talked about it.

Whatever her position- it seems like she is not much help for you in your search for a better state of mind. In other words, she is not being a good partner right now adn for a whole year on this matter alone. She is not “on your side”- so you are alone, really, having to take care of yourself without her help.
anita

Hi Again,

Don’t do anything hasty. Make sure “This” issue isn’t just an excuse for you to say, “I don’t know if I can take this anymore”, as I’m gleaning she isn’t the easiest person to live with anyway.

It would be a shame if you got a divorce over this one thing. Judge: Reasons? Lawyer: Your Honor, the defendant was checking a Friend’s FaceBook page!

Right? It’s not “him” (he sounds like he loves to play the white knight and be the damsel in distress’ sounding board!). It’s really the dynamic between you now. Even if you called him and said “Get lost, buddy”, he moved or died, you would still have issues with her.

Maybe get off the internet and for a “Date” you take her to couple’s counseling?

What would happen if you talked to him? Most men would back way off, and he would never say anything. And not only that, he would “get it”. Women tend to not give it up and/or it becomes an Issue. Don’t even tell her what’s going on.

Seriously. Call him and say, “Listen buddy, Wife and I are reconnecting and don’t need any outside distractions. Could you not return/lay off the texts/calls? Thanks. Keep this conversation between us.”

Wife would try to contact him and get miffed that he doesn’t return her calls or texts right away (if at all)! Meanwhile, you read and implement the Five Love Languages Book (Google it). Give her gifts, go out, rub her back, have long talks, help around the house. She will get pissed at him and enjoy your attention more.

If she ever figures it out say, “Yes, Friend talked to me and he wants to stay out of our marriage.” This gives the message that it was Friend’s idea to Leave and that he thought he was Treading on Sacred Ground. Hopefully this would embarrass her. (“What?! NO! He knew we were Just Friends!”) But hopefully it won’t come to that. She’ll just know that Friend isn’t around (perhaps enjoying his wife or a girlfriend!) and you are more attentive.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.